How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

Once a week now because she looks after my son after school. Pre-kids maybe every few weeks for lunch etc.
Don’t understand DIL’s that don’t want to involve their MIL’s

I like my MIL very much. I don't go every time my DH goes (live in same city) but often do and she comes to us too. I am not possessive over the kids so if he wants to take them and I can't go/want to do something else, that's fine. Same goes for my mum.

You're being vague. Which I understand, but also sounds like you know it's worse than you're making out.

Without knowing what the incident was it's impossible to know if this was the cause, or is justified - but sounds like it was.

I see my MIL more than my husband does, and he rarely sees his parents without me (although he does sometimes).

Don’t blame your DIL. Ask your son why he never invites you over to his house. Ask your son why they always make excuses when you invite them to yours.

I was in a relationship with or married to DH for 12 years before his mother died. I never met her, even when we lived 90 mins away and DH went to visit.

I finally met his father last year (parents were still together)

What small confusion?

OP are you the poster whose son was her carer but has now moved in with his DP and you constantly post complaining his DW treats her mum better than she treats you?

you really need to try and get over this toxic hatred of your daughter in law as you will lose your son over it

I go pretty much every time unless there's a reason I just can't, I love my MIL. I didn't go recently because DS had an inset day and DH was off work and it was FILs birthday so they went up stayed overnight and went out for the day, I had work training I couldn't get out of. I was really disappointed not to be there!

Never. But they live 5 hours away and we have two young children, both of which have been exclusively breastfed

My DH visits his parents more often without me than with me nowadays...it's usually just special occasions I go with him now. There are a few reasons for this in honesty:

My DH and PIL's son are different people...as soon as we step into their house he goes from being my husband to their son. I like him less and have very little respect for him and his mum loves it because it's like having her teenage son back in the house and she panders to the it. I can't stand it.

I find that my MIL undermines me where the DC are concerned when we're at their house and it feels like a constant battle and I can't be bothered with it anymore. Unless it's a special occasion, I will only see them in my house or somewhere neutral (meet up somewhere) and she does not get to undermine me.

My DH wants to see his parents more frequently than I do.

It boils down to a choice of I could go with him and the kids and have to deal with the above or I can have some time to myself. The latter generally wins.

But it sounds like your DIL is still at work when your son visits you, it’s not like she’s actively avoiding you, she has a job with longer hours than your son 🤷‍♀️

Also, from some of your later comments it sounds like your “mistake” that you apologised for before the wedding may have caused a break down of the relationship.

Obviously we don’t know if this is a very simple mistake, like getting the name of a family member wrong, or more of a “I called my DIL a gold digging whore, but have since apologised and don’t understand why she won’t forgive me” mistake.

In some situations an apology will never be enough to fix a relationship.

What actually happened? I am asking because my MIL also doesn't understand why I keep my distance from her. She thinks she did something minor but actually, it really hurt me. Could this be a similar situation, perhaps?

What was the minor confusion before their wedding? You’ve cited this as her reason for hating you, but given no information about what happened.

Do you have plans to move closer to them all? That would probably make more sense if they're all close together but far from you

I always go to visit my DiLs. If I showed up on their doorstep, unexpectedly, (I don’t) one would panic, she hadn’t hoovered or tidied (her house is always immaculate) but would still welcome me, put the kettle on and then hoover; while the other would give me a hug then start changing her bed linen (she doesn’t have a spare room)! I live 3 hours away from one and 4 from the other!
I adore them both and they both like me 😀

I think you know you have said or done something to upset her

I thought i had a good relationship with my MIL, soon found out I was wrong. So now I visit occasionally (Christmas/Mother's day). Make polite conversation and be polite

I think you have to accept the situation

I don't see my MIL as much as my DH as he works close enough to go and visit or stay the night, he commutes so it is easier for him to go on his own.

I probably see her 5 - 6 times a year as we live over 120 miles away and go as a family during school holidays for the day.

You said you didn’t want to fall out? But did you actually apologise?

People seem to have real form nowadays for seeing saying sorry as backing down and come up with all sorts “I’m sorry I upset you” or “I don’t want to fall out”. They then think they’ve won as they didn’t have to admit they were wrong, but are then surprised when the other party backs off heavily.

Your opening post asks how much is normal for a DIL to see in-laws, there’s obviously no right answer. But actually here there is more of a really relevant back story. Because you say your DIL hates you, there’s obviously a reason for that that you are aware of, and so the only advice can be you need to put that right.

My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later. If you wait until kids appear, she will see that as the motivation for the olive branch rather than a genuine attempt at reconciliation and it will backfire.

I do see my son, she just doesn’t come with him. He will pop in after work and I also ring and WhatsApp him regularly.

I think you are the lady who posted about what you considered unfair about Mother's Day and how both mothers should be treated exactly the same.

I also think you mentioned that you ring your son very frequently indeed which also causes friction between everybody.

You got a lot of valuable advice on your last thread but it seems you are here again posing the same questions.

It sounds like your DIL works long hours, maybe more so than your son?

There’s nothing stopping him coming to yours in the evening if your DIL is still working, would you be happy with that? Or do you want them both to come to yours together?

Also, does your son drive?

She doesn't have to like you, I'm afraid. As long as she isn't actually rude to you, you can't complain. She may not actively dislike you, you may just not be her kind of person. Don't nag her or your son unless you want to see him less than you do.