How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

My MIL lived abroad. DH visited her monthly, I'd go one month in three, usually for cost reasons. It was flights and a hotel when I went with him whereas without me he'd sleep on her sofa. I was very fond of her and think I struck gold with my MIL.

I used to go all the time. Probably at least once or twice a week, whether that was for dinner or a quick cuppa (for 10+ years). Also used to meet my MIL independently of my DH. Until one day she just turned on me. I'm now NC, so are our DC. You reap what you sow in my MIL case.

We live 30 minutes drive away from MIL and FIL too. I don't go there very often, 3 times this year I think. Dh slightly more as he will sometimes pop in on his way to/from the dentist.

They come to our house a lot though, 2-3 times a week sometimes, and stay for ages. So I don't feel the need to visit them much.

I wonder if it’s the same too, that’s why I asked when they got married as she also posted about her DiL talking about her own mum in her speech but saying nothing about OP.

See in laws once a week to pick up and drop off kids, I go round and take their dog for a walk some times too when they’re out. Proper sit down and have a cup of tea/ chat is probably about once a week and once a month dinner. I see them a bit more right now as they’re helping my mum move up here. Sometimes when I go down to see my mum MIL comes with me because she loves my mum and also has a sister in the area. I probably see them more than DP as I don’t work so I’ll go round and help with stuff (mainly online forms and the computer).

I really like them and they’ve always been super nice to me. They have done things that annoy me, and yes - she was a bit overbearing with my PFB and I was cagey about handing her over… but after a few sleepless nights I changed my tune. The give my kids way too much crap and sugar, but so does my mum. My children are lucky to have such brilliant grandparents on both sides I and me and DP are lucky to have such great childcare so we can do fun things as well! By the time my mum moves up, we will hardly see them lol!

I know I can be difficult as well because I have ASD, and sometimes at the start that causes a bit of friction. They hadn’t had experience with it so didn’t really get it, but made an effort and are now super understanding. FIL still sometimes finds certain quirks funny but ultimately they are quite funny and he’s not mean spirited at all. Also he’s not precious about me taking the piss out of him.

I think I am just lucky though, I would probably be friendly with them if they lived next door, I like them as people. I’d be really sad if me and DP got divorced and they never wanted to see me again. I have also made an effort with them as my mum always told me to. She said if you’ve got multiple kids and you want a social life, pick your battles and don’t burn bridges about stilly stuff like someone giving your child sweets. She also had a good relationship with her in laws even post divorce.

I think you posted before.

If it’s you, leave your poor DIL alone and be grateful your DS comes and visit you.
As long as she is not rude to you, leave it be. You can’t force her to like you and there is a lot more to this story (if you are the same poster).

I see my MIL a lot (not out of choice). If it was down to me, I'd visit or have her over once a fortnight. She is a loving grandmother and I care for her but we're very different people.

Our relationship completely changed once DS moved out. I can’t tell him she’s rude to me because she isn’t. She just obviously doesn’t like me

So, was this at the same time as the confusion/upset/disagreement that occurred before the wedding? Or, did this behaviour occur when he moved out, and then later the disagreement before the wedding arose?

I remember that poster too. Could well be the same one here.

Is this the same DIL that you have treated badly because apart from a few different details, it reads the same, same writing style etc.? The DIL you blamed for your DS not engaging with you as much, and somehow making it her fault?

I’m not sure how old you are, but guessing in your 60s. Is your disability such you can’t travel independently? Just thinking my MIL was late 80s before she stopped driving and my DM, who became disabled when I was a child and never drove, used public transport until her late 70s / early 80s when she finally got a taxi card - she could have qualified for one years before.

Have you made any effort to get to know her personally, separately from your DS? Perhaps you need to build a relationship with her if you want to have one with your DGC?

In your shoes I would reach out and ask whether she would like a spa day, trip to the theatre, supper with you [adjust according to her interest] so that you can get to know each other. Perhaps suggest that you’d like to be able to offer support to her if she ever needs it and especially when they have children?

You could sound out your DS on this first? Say that you are concerned that they you’ve got off on the wrong foot with that early misunderstanding and are keen to remedy it. Perhaps she has very difficult/conflict filled relationships with her own family and is wary of connection?

My daughter in law visits me with my grandkids but not with my son. I go to see them and more often than not my son is at work. We also meet up with my daughters and their kids. We dont live in each others pockets but we see each other when we feel like it. We also txt each other quite a bit. Your daughter in law obviously doesn't feel comfortable with you. Perhaps that is something you should address.

I visit every time....as we have to travel half way around the world. My DH has only visited once since we go together 15 years ago. And that was only because it was a family event but your DC had just started school so we didn't want to pull him out for 10 days.

My DH comes with me every visit to see my parents. I live 2 hours away from my parents though so its usually a weekend long trip

My SIL doesn't always visit my parents with my brother though and brother doesn't always visit in laws. No children. But they live half hour away so my brother see's my parents regularly.

What Made you think she wants it resolved... I read shes worried about not seeing the children that don't even exist yet.

I have a similar relationship with my mil, but I do like her. I've followed my partner's lead for the most part, as their relationship can be rocky.

However, I've always said that I will spend one on one time with her when the same expectation is put upon my partner to spend time alone with my mother. It just doesn't happen!

I’d also suggest if you offer to pay for it, you actually do.

And how awful it was that the bride thanked her single parent mother during her speech and failed to wax lyrical about the MiL (who had been thanked in the groom’s speech)?

Yes, I was thinking the same.

Why should they come every time they don't have plans? Maybe the plans are to have a rest and see nobody.
Nobody has any obligation to accept an invitation just because they are free. "We're busy" is likely to mean "we're tired".

I’d struggle to be bothered with someone who offered me a certain amount of money towards a wedding and then left me in the lurch. OP might have apologised and said she didn’t want to fall out, but certainly didn’t actually put things right by giving them the money.

If I was the DIL I’d be feeling very let down and feeling that the MIL couldn’t be trusted in future.

Just saying sorry in the instance doesn’t cut it for me I’m afraid. A genuine apology aims to put things as right as you possibly can. So that’s not an “I’m sorry if you thought I was paying for the venue, I actually ment I was paying £x towards the venue”. That doesn’t help solve the problem you’ve caused!

Agree it must be the same poster - all the details are the same.

I think she is using this as a stick to beat me with

This sounds hyperbolic. She isn’t using anything as a stick ‘to beat you with’, she just isn’t visiting you very often. And honestly saying things like that makes it sound like you don’t like her very much, so maybe she picks up on that?

This sounds familiar, have you posted about this before? I remember a poster whose youngest son was due to move out, and poster was worried as son had lived with her a long time and helped her a lot, and had issues with the DI
I agree the best course of action would be for you to invite them out to break the stalemate

Why don't you take her out to lunch? Send her a text or email explaining that you'd like to see her more as you love her. Perhaps lunch or brunch once every 6 weeks?

I'd suggest making every effort to sort this out before the children start to arrive

I'd also suggest organising your own transport

Well yes it does smack of mummy’s boy doing no wrong and that horrid wife keeping him from her.

it’s also very strong/childish language - hates me. Can’t be bothered with me perhaps.