DH and neighbour weird situation

You're jealous of your neighbour, and don't trust your husband.

Not sure there is much future in each relationship really.

Had that happened to me, I would have spent the evening laughing about it with my OH, impatiently wondering what the next BBQ would reveal. But then I trust my OH.

I drew the parallel at first because I thought it was the same. So I thought OP was unreasonable. But when OP mentioned the neighbour was describing outfits to her DH, that's when the line was crossed IMO. My friend and I were describing the things we'd do to men because we were fed up with the online dating scene and we thought the idea of becoming dominatrices (is that the plural?!) was hilarious. But it sounds like OP's neighbour had started to cross into a more sexualised conversation. Just my 2p anyway!

2 wines sounds like a boring bbq tbh. I agree that her and her deceased husband had probably had a funny conversation once upon a time.

I recall when moving into our village, a story in the national press about another village at the other end of the country applying for a licence to run a festival weekend, for swingers. I jokingly said at the bar, I may have to do that or make our excessive land into a swinging campsite. And watched all the local farmers choke on their whisky.

Your dh was probably just trying to make her feel comfortable tbh, especially if she doesn't normally drink and was feeling tipsy.

So you and your drunk friend joking about setting up a dominatrix business, including what you would do during it, isn't the same as the likely slightly tipsy neighbour joking about setting up a phone sex business and what she'd do during it?

The misogyny displayed by the OP is mind boggling. Women can only have a joke with other women?!! Most men and women are perfectly able to joke about things with regards to sex. The majority I would say view sex lines as a bit silly, women talking dirty whilst cleaning the bathroom, sad men paying money for something stupid. It sounded like they were both joking, but if you don’t think your husband was, then he’s outed himself as one of those sad men. I don’t think your neighbour has done anything wrong, but your views on women (especially those who happen to be widowed and therefore single), are pretty disgusting.

I’m sorry but “slightly fiddly” made me laugh!

At first I thought you were being unreasonable but when you said she was speaking about what she was planning on wearing during the sex chat, it does feel like crossing a line. My female friend and I once spent a pissed up evening laughing our arses off imagining setting up a dominatrix business, all the things we would do etc. but it wasn't sexual, it was incredibly funny to us - which is what I thought your neighbour was doing here (or at least recounting the joke), but it appears that it's a bit more serious than that.

As for the sad widow thing - that's ridiculously simplistic. She is probably devastated at the loss of her husband, she no doubt really misses him feels lonely. But that doesn't give her the green card to flirt with someone else's husband ffs 😂I was at a kid's party on the weekend where I was talking with a dad that I really clicked with - I actually really fancied him and wished he was single - I'm a bit sad and lonely sometimes, as I came out of an 11 year relationship at the start of this year. BUT I didn't flirt with him because my desires/sad singledom don't trump the fact he has a family! If she's that lonely and single there are many more options than flirting with the neighbour's husband.

Reminds me of Anne Hathaway in I think it's Valentine's Day where she's working in an office and occasionally takes sex line calls

I think it’s irrelevant if other people would have been uncomfortable with the comment. You were there and were. You acknowledge that this is in part because of issues you have with your husband that you need to address. You now know that she is an over sharer and whether her intentions were innocent or not it makes you uncomfortable. This isn’t a friendship you should foster as you are obviously different people. You can be pleasant and see her from time to time but I would reject the bbq invite and make an excuse. You can perhaps hang out again in future once you have had time to process and tell your husband if there is any inappropriate or sleazy comments again then it will be the end of hanging out permanently.

You've happily latched on to others who called her desperate and suggested she was "sending out feelers" I've read all of your posts so don't try and backtrack now - you've been incredibly unkind to somebody who clearly considers you as a friend...which is in far poorer taste than her mentioning a silly idea she had in the past.

Just because she has other friends doesn't negate her believing you are also friends, we don't get a limited amount of tickets to only allow us a certain number of friends.

You keep deflecting on why the issues are with your husband and continue to blame this poor woman - and she is a poor woman because she's lost her best friend, no amount of friends or dinners out is going to resolve that.

It doesn't matter how many people tell you that you're wrong and you should be looking at your husband and leave her out of it you are stubbornly digging your heels in and refusing to acknowledge and accept that yourself and your husband are the issue - frankly you should be honest about your issues with him and seek advice on how to thrash that out rather then projecting on to an innocent bystander - because she is innocent, she's done nothing wrong and, unlike your husband, she is not responsible for your comfort or your prudishness unless you have set a clear boundary, which you had not.

This is brilliant.

She wouldn’t have worn it though, she’s on the phone, she would have told the punters she was wearing it. You’re really taking this way too seriously, it’s just a funny, risqué anecdote that involved her husband. If anyone did anything wrong it was your husband, but no doubt he was only joking too.

@anotherglass I would feel pretty much the same way as you OP - it does feel inappropriate. And to add to the chorus of what you've already been told and already know - your DH's OTT reaction is the primary problem. However, you asked how to navigate this now she's asked you both back over for a BBQ at hers and this is what I would do: accept the invitation (having marked DH's card first). Go to hers and see how she behaves. She could be feeling absolutely mortified that she over-shared, wishes she hadn't and has invited you back to show her previous behaviour was an aberrant one-off. Or not. Only if you get together again in a social setting will you find out. If she starts up a similar conversation, you just say "Sorry neighbour, but our previous conversation about this made me feel uncomfortable and I don't want to repeat it if we're to remain on good terms." (Or something like that.) I really don't see how you can just go cool on her, which would make neighbourly relations just as uncomfortable.

If you feel uncomfortable, then politely decline the invitation and do not issue a return invitation. Be busy every time she does invite you again.

And be very very clear with your husband that he crossed your personal boundary in responding in the way that he did, and that you do not want to socialise with her again. That it gave you the ick. You do not have to socialise with people unless you want to, for whatever reason.

But yes, your husband's response was off for you, he needs to know that.

Better kick him out then.

As you said, you're not convinced he was actually joking that he'd use her sexual services.

And keep an eye on that massage parlour!

As someone with a student friend who did put herself through a master’s degree partly via working for a phone sex line, I was occasionally in the room while she worked. She would be purring into the phone about removing items of underwear and being wet, while peacefully making pasta sauce or taking notes, wearing jeans and a jumper and these big knee-high knitted socks with leather soles. In fact all my associations with her phone sex work are really cosy, of winter evenings and people coming over for dinner and talking.😀

But she is not you

Is that clear?

I'm not a prude but don't really like sex chat with friends or neighbours so I'd feel a bit uncomfortable and a bit wtf about this. And I'd be telling my husband not to make comments like that as its embarrassing and a bit cringe, Infront if his wife and other neighbours. I'd probably choose not to socialise with the neighbour if that's how they are as its not my cup of tea but I think firstly you need to discuss with your husband.

But you've posted on a message board called Am I Being Unreasonable? A majority of the vote (though by no means all) think that you ARE indeed being unreasonable. Yet there is no sense that you're taking this on board and if anything, just becoming entrenched in your view.

By all means, don't have her round again. OR, you could attend the invite to hers, and avoid all conversation about sex-related issues (no more discussing of the massage parlour). See what happens then. if she continues to bring topics of discussion up you are uncomfortable with, then you can make a more informed decision. But I wouldn't bin her off for a single indiscretion when she was (probably) in her cups. And yes, two glasses of wine can and does make some people giddy.

I think you’re being prudish and humourless, op. We don’t live in a Victorian society anymore, we don’t shame people or force them into secrecy. We have rejected that kind of fear of sexuality.