Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family basically falling apart

159 replies

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 05:52

Any advice would be appreciated here as I feel like my family is basically falling apart. I have two daughters, a 17yo and a 14yo. Their relationship is pretty much non-existent, for example at the dinner table they completely ignore each other. Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

They go to the same school and the 17yo stays in the locker room with her best friend instead of sitting at tables with friends because her best friend wouldn't budge but this is another problem and the 17yo wants to change that. I know the 17yo could sit with people if she wanted to, so I am not worried about it.

When that happens, I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly. I would defend the 17yo but the 14yo just wouldn't stop. The 14yo is also routinely rude to me and I have tried everything from screen time to turning off the wifi to taking away her pocket money but the 14yo would not change.

The 17yo has told me that once she has the means to she would cut off all contact with the 14yo. I understand where she is coming from and I just nodded but I did my best with the 14yo.

My relationship with the 17yo has gotten better recently but she can be cold towards me sometimes but is still polite. Their dad lives in another city but he is involved in our lives.

Sorry if I rambled a bit I am at a lost

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:10

Poopeepoopee · 23/06/2025 06:07

I think you're supposed to change the wifi password rather than just turn it off because obviously anyone can turn it back on again.

I'd stick to one punishment at a time to be honest. Either the wifi or the pocket money.

Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

Then stop going out with both of them and go out with them one at a time - and tell them why. Tell them it's to have quality time with each of them and for you to enjoy it without seeing the 14 year old get on the 17 year olds back all the time.

Where do you actually go when you go out with both of them? It should be a relatively easy thing to stop - and if no-one is enjoying those trips, then it's time to stop doing them..

We would go for lunch and during school holidays for a short trip. For short trips I cannot just leave one of them home, as their dad doesn't live with us at the moment.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/06/2025 06:08

When she turns the WiFi back on what are the consequences? What are you doing when she ignores you or swears at you? Is that it then? She gets her own way and you back down? The 17 year old needs to see you have her back. The 14 year old needs to learn not to be horrible to respect you. Right now she doesn't because you're not following through.

Poopeepoopee · 23/06/2025 06:07

I think you're supposed to change the wifi password rather than just turn it off because obviously anyone can turn it back on again.

I'd stick to one punishment at a time to be honest. Either the wifi or the pocket money.

Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

Then stop going out with both of them and go out with them one at a time - and tell them why. Tell them it's to have quality time with each of them and for you to enjoy it without seeing the 14 year old get on the 17 year olds back all the time.

Where do you actually go when you go out with both of them? It should be a relatively easy thing to stop - and if no-one is enjoying those trips, then it's time to stop doing them..

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/06/2025 06:05

Why aren't you parenting your 14 year old?

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:04

GRex · 23/06/2025 05:58

I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly
This is the problem. You are not effectively managing your DD's behaviour. You should have been teaching her why it matters to be kind and thoughtful, not just giving disapproving looks. Try "How to talk so teens will listen" and actively work on her behaviour.

For the 17yo, you know her behaviour is very unhealthy. The best years of her life will be slipping unnoticed through her fingers while she hides away. This needs sorting before she misses out on young adulthood. What are you doing about it while you have that last chance because she still lives with you? You're so very passive here; talk with her and help her with strategies.

I remind the 14yo how important being kind is all the time, but she never listens. I ask her to think about if someone treats her this way how would she feel etc. but she would just roll her eyes.

The 17yo has friends and she just didn't want to leave her then best friend alone, but I have chatted to her about it and she does want to go sit with her other friends and will do so when school resumes.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:01

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 05:58

Your 14-y-o sounds horrible. When she is so unpleasant to her sister and you stop pocket money or wifi, what happens next? Does she behave better for a while?

What happens next is she would go and turn the wifi back on, and she either ignore me or swears at me about the pocket money.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 23/06/2025 06:00

What consequences are there other than a look? Is pocket money and WiFi back despite this behaviour?

GRex · 23/06/2025 05:58

I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly
This is the problem. You are not effectively managing your DD's behaviour. You should have been teaching her why it matters to be kind and thoughtful, not just giving disapproving looks. Try "How to talk so teens will listen" and actively work on her behaviour.

For the 17yo, you know her behaviour is very unhealthy. The best years of her life will be slipping unnoticed through her fingers while she hides away. This needs sorting before she misses out on young adulthood. What are you doing about it while you have that last chance because she still lives with you? You're so very passive here; talk with her and help her with strategies.

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 05:58

Your 14-y-o sounds horrible. When she is so unpleasant to her sister and you stop pocket money or wifi, what happens next? Does she behave better for a while?