Family basically falling apart

Your 14 year old needs parenting, fast. She’s walking all over you and turning into a horrible person by the sounds of it.

Why not over to dad in the school hols then?

I bet half the people on here telling you what you should and shouldn’t be doing with teenagers haven’t even got teenagers! They probably think they are doing so well because their sweet little angels are in the top sets at primary school!

My sweet little, top setter became an obnoxious older daughter. She didn’t used to get on with the younger daughter ( 6 year gap). Older one is 25 now and they get on well and I never thought it would happen.

You obviously are trying your best because you are here, asking for help. Keep communicating. Keep providing moments for them to communicate. Eventually with that they start to lose some of the angst. Yes you need boundaries but also keep reminding them both that you love them.

Nobody is asking you to leave them alone for a week but you don't have to take them both out together.

Get locks on your and your 17 year old doors.

I'm sorry, you can't leave your 14 yo home alone because otherwise she will steal from you and your eldest? How and why have you framed all this as a family problem, you have one problem and it's your younger dd.

A 14 year old can very much be left alone. Similarly a 17 year old.

It would probably do your relationship with each of them good to have time spent alone with you too. If you have that basis of a good relationship where you like each other, their behaviour should improve.

I agree with pp that the 14 year old does not respect you as you don’t follow through enough. I see this with my kids and their Dad. They run rings around him as he makes threats, or tells them to do something, but does not follow through. You need to put in the hard tough work of going through the kick back and unpleasantness from the 14 year old but holding firm.

You are probably exhausted parenting alone. I really feel for you.

A two pronged approach of spending time alone with each of them, doing whatever they would like to, and holding firm on consequences will hopefully help.

Something is going on with your 14yo.
Have you sat her down and ask her what’s going through her head? If she won’t talk ask her to write it down?
My mum use to sit on my bed for hours until I spoke to her. Proper teenager torture 😅

So basically your family has fallen apart?

Can one go and stay with their dad for a week? Or stay with a friend for a few days and then 1-2 days at home. Depends how much you trust the 14 year old.

It sounds like their relationship is broken beyond repair at the moment, so I would focus on salvaging your relationship with both of them which means having solo time with them.

Time for tough love with the 14 y old. She gets away with treating her sister and her mum like crap so she has the same behaviour outside of the house. You need to set an example so that she understands that her behaviour is not allowed.
First warn her that things are about to change. Next time she's rude she won't have any pocket money. She continues: she's not coming out with you for lunch- make sure there are stuff for her to make a sandwich. She continues- change wificode and ignore her tantrum. You need to show who is the boss: for your sake, for DD1 but also for your 14 year old who is growing up to an antisocial young woman if you don't nip it in the bud.

And my best advice. Get councelling so you understand your role in your family falling apart and what you can do not to let it happen.

Wouldn't it be nice for your 17 yo to go out with you without her sister and have a nice day?
Why keep them together?

They’re 14 and 17, why can’t one or both be home alone?

Wrt the 14yo, I would tell her that as long as she’s horrible she won’t get any nice things- no WiFi, no trips or new clothes, no treats. Access to the WiFi is contingent on her behaving in a civil manner.
Then I would follow through. Make it clear you love her but you won’t tolerate being sworn at and disrespected and you won’t tolerate her bullying her sister.

You need to step up, do some parenting and not excuse a 14 yo. I feel for your 17 yo and she might end up going no contact with both of you. I wouldn't blame her.

I'm sorry if I'm missing something here but why can't your 14 or 17 year old be left on their own?

Your 14 year old is an obnoxious teenager- she still needs parenting.

That includes teaching her that she can’t pick on people who are different from herself. People who have different values ... wear different clothes.... and so on.
Home in for both girls how important family is, try and find some common ground the girls have and nurture this as much as you can!
At their ages, they should gang up on you and have their own secrets!

We always had a rule there is a way one talks to their friends and a different way of talking at home.... that might be a good starting point.

Then the problem is not really the relationship between the sisters, but the fact that you have a badly behaved, out-of-control 14-year-old. She needs to understand that you are the one in charge and the one who pays for everything, so she has to follow your rules.

Change the wifi password and don’t tell her the new one. If she swears at you, she loses some of her next pocket money. Are there any other family members, e.g. grandparents, who will give you support? It must be very hard, but it sounds as if she is growing into a thoroughly unpleasant person. She needs to realise that actions have consequences and she can’t go through life treating people badly but expecting them to be nice to her.