Family basically falling apart

What format do you take at telling your 14yr old to be more kind? It sound like there is a lot of conflict already in the house so you saying this just winds he up further which isn't going ot help.

She sounds amazingly unhappy and she is therefore making things really unhappy for you all. You need to get to the root cause of this, have you taken her out for the day and asked her about her life? I find asking to my 14yr about whats going on in a neutral place like a cafe or restaurant a good place to talk, mainly while he is eating a burger as I think he feels more special this way.

OP, I have no advice, just wanted to say I’m in the same boat - also a lone parent and youngest DD treats her older sibling like shit. Sending you a hug

Helpful🙄

My 14yr old is a complete law to himself at the moment. One minute he's an angel and the next he's vile. I have been very worried about him and I am working very hard to help him. School are involved, he does a lot of activities outside or school which helps and I spend a lot of money taking him out to lunch to talk about healthy behaviours and his frustrations. He does have a good relationship with his sister but even she has enough of him sometimes.

Was there relationship always like this or is it more recent? Does your youngest one feel jealous or think you favour your older one. We are having difficult conversations like this atm, it takes my son a lot of reminding of all the nice things he has in his life like his sister has in hers.

Many siblings adore each other, other's dislike each other.

OP's household is not normal behaviour. I have 3 Dsis's we would squabble, argue, drag our property back but never be so hurtful and cruel as DD2.
As adults we're all good friends.

DD2, 14 sounds like she has a serious mental health problem or she is just a nasty person, fight fire with fire.

Do you realise you're arguing with everyone?

Kids want and need to feel loved and having one on one time is the most important thing you can do for your relationship. At the moment it sounds like you only value time as a unit rather than them as individuals which may be why she is acting out.

Focus on that and you may start seeing positive changes in your 14 year old.

They probably all need to lie on the school psychologist's couch if she treats them like she treats her sister.

Then you cannot go out for lunch together as a family. Your 14 yo is out of control. A veto on family lunches out is simply a consequence of that and should be the least of your concerns.

Sounds like not having to spend time with her sister would be a blessed relief for the 17 yo anyway.

What happens next is she would go and turn the wifi back on, and she either ignore me or swears at me about the pocket money

Why on earth are you not changing the wifi password, so turning it back on will not result in wifi for her (only for yourself and 17yo who have the new password)?

If she swears at you about the (lack of) pocket money, then that’s another week gone. And another.

14 year olds are not horrible. It’s not a rule that they are all like that.

It’s this kind of passiveness and abdication of responsibility that lets parents become doormats. 14 year olds are only horrible if you let them cross boundaries when they are younger.

Well, no, you can’t. Because one of your children is absolutely horrible.

Turn off the WiFi completely and remove the phone completely. Stop catering to her behaviour and if she escalates - escalate back. Lock stuff in the attic if you have to and make her earn it back.

People don’t change this kind of behaviour until they hit a ‘come to Jesus’ moment. You have to create one.

And your 17 year old needs to be the one getting attention and treats.

Hi. Iv got a middle child who has become a 14 year old d#ck to be quite honest.

We have come down hard on any unkind words to siblings and tone. Omg the tone. That now gets consequences too.
Grounding - made to stay in room, every device locked in a cupboard. WiFi password changed.

We are seeing glimmers of him but omg he is a bloody pain in the ass

agree. If this is real then those two children are effectively being parented by a child.

Permissive parenting.

Can sometimes be when the parent (mum) has been raised in an overly strict or even abusive home. Could also be due to a passive personality. OP has basically handed over authority and power to her daughters. The 17 year old isn't abusing this but the 14 year old is.

I don't believe being a bully as the 14 yo seems to be is always due to ND, sometimes people like that are simply extremely intolerant of others and if they perceive them as beneath them they bully them. Not all behaviour is communication, some behaviour is simply abuse of power.

It's a good idea to talk things through, feelings, behaviours, options and consequences. But if the 14 yo can't stop herself, someone else has to stop her. Ideally her parent but may be someone stronger and more nasty or the police. Time will tell. The better option would be if OP found her voice and came down like a ton of bricks.

I do not believe in meek parenting. Show understanding, show options, talk it through but if her attitude doesn't change, find you anger and show your dd who is the boss. While you pay for her upkeep and are responsible for your home, bills, health and well-being of your family you are the boss OP, not a teenager with a chip on their shoulder.

And telling a 14 tear old be kind is ridiculous. You speak like the with a toddler or pr-schooler. It's completely ineffective with. 14 year old.

Also I don’t think it’s as bleak as this poster makes out, jeez!!! Have you never met a moody teen?!

14 year olds are mostly terrible. Me and my mum had a really difficult time when I was around 14 - 19. I was so moody!! If I had a sister I’m sure I would have taken it out on her too 🤣

BUT op needs to nip this in the bud. No matter how bad I was feeling, I never would have swore at my mum or disrespected her. I was too scared of the consequences. OP’s ones are not working and she is too passive.

That’s why my solution was change the password AND take away the data plan.

I know there’s a wider issue here but the mum needs an immediate consequence. Swear at me? Fine no wifi or data for 2 days. Swear at your sister? Fine, 2 more days.

The mum threatening this and then the 14yo just switches it back on is laughable really.

All these women who write on here 'should I give my child a sibling (even though I am happy with one child) because they "might be lonely"' need to read this.
Some siblings just hate each other.
How sad OP. Your poor older child.

But you can for a day while you are out with the other obe

That is a nightmare. Start being mean to DD14, a warning isn't enough, I would go to war with her.

DD17 is not the problem.

Why are the consequences for DD14 actions so limited? No events, no rewards, no fun, no screens - only school and home until she does better.

Make her see that shit behaviour means you get excluded from society. At the moment, she chooses not to be part of the family. Give her the consequences. Every eye roll needs to be explained.

Stamp it out before she's an adult - and as it sounds like you're in the USA, before she starts driving. No one needs an antisocial risk taker on the road.

Perhaps one of those troubled teen boot camps you have there might help...

Your 14 year old is being a PITA. Unarguably.

However, are you entirely sure your 17 year old is completely innocent? Is she winding up her sister? As an older sister I certainly knew certain buttons that could be pressed very effectively.

One of my sisters is 4 years younger than me, without specific details she was very mean and just not a nice person at all. Her behaviour was crap from even younger than 14, she also struggles to hold on to friends. I don’t live near my family as moved away from work. She is incredibly manipulative, she also used to steal as a child.,

Fast forward 3 decades and our Mother died. It was quite an easy decision, the last time I spoke to her was at our Mothers funeral. Her behaviours remained awful, negative, mischief making, she did something to our older sister that was shocking. She has a genuine cruel streak. The entire family cut her off. One other sister had cut her off years before, to be honest I wish I had.

I used to think that incidents had to have happened to have caused children and adults to behave badly and they do but unless somethung happened to her that I don’t know about then to me she was just born bad.

Sorry not what you want to read but our Mother was a bit weak willed with her as she was such a strong character and so dominant even as a small child. Think Mother was a bit intimidated by her. I would take her privately to see a child psychologist. My sister must have some sort of undiagnosed MH issue. She positively enjoys hurting people.

This could not be more true.

Complaining and moaning about a situation entirely within her control and then excuses excuses excuses.

How many bloody holidays does OP think a 14yo needs? Why is she getting wifi access or pocket money reinstated if she’s not changed? Why isn’t OP absolutely terrified that other parents think her DD is mean and can’t keep a friend for long? Why is this child still in the possession of her phone and going on camps?

other girls parents say she is mean, is she thriving? I’d suggest throwing into the mix that you’ve done all you can and you think you might look at changing her school. See what she thinks of that.

The behaviour of your 14 year old is going to take some time to change. Plenty of suggestions on here - I would also suggest reading ‘Get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town’.

You can also do some things to deal with some of the behaviour.
Get a lock fitted on the door of your 17 year olds bedroom so your younger daughter can’t steal from her. Depending on where the WiFi hun is, you could do the same there or get a contract that allows you a controlled connection (sometimes you can do this via a mobile phone).

I strongly recommend that you confide in your trusted friends and regularly invite them round. Teenagers usually behave better in the company of guests, especially if they appear oblivious to the situation and show an interest in them. The upshot can be that your 14 year old gets practice being civil and the more this happens the less alien it becomes.

Also try and step back from your situation and try to analyse dispassionately the behaviour with an ‘I am wondering…’ hat on. The more you can make sense of the route of the behaviour, the more you can address it. Your 14 year old could, for example, be profoundly jealous of your relationship with your elder daughter (she may not even realise this herself).

Good luck- the teenage years are tough!