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Original poster

Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

138 replies

Ihatebeingme0 · 22/06/2025 23:08

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

OP posts:
ELS20 · 23/06/2025 00:27

Have you and ExH tried counselling? TBH I would try everything you can to make it work for the sake of your child. Maybe there is a chance you can all be happy? If he’s a good man and a good father then it sounds like there is something worth saving. Passion really isn’t the most important thing in life believe me.

Original poster
Ihatebeingme0 · 23/06/2025 00:26

Smailand · 23/06/2025 00:19

Fgs you’re not in love with the ex, stop stringing him along. New partner sounds like he isn’t bothered about you. Having custody of kids doesn’t prevent people living together and getting married when they care about someone. He’s using that as an excuse to string you along.

We are from different areas / kids at different schools etc

OP posts:
Smailand · 23/06/2025 00:19

Fgs you’re not in love with the ex, stop stringing him along. New partner sounds like he isn’t bothered about you. Having custody of kids doesn’t prevent people living together and getting married when they care about someone. He’s using that as an excuse to string you along.

boccaallupo · 23/06/2025 00:16

Surely it’s not to do with how much upset it’s caused- shouldn’t it be more about whether 2 nights is enough for you? It sounds a bit like you’ve already made your mind up to get back with ex

Original poster
Ihatebeingme0 · 23/06/2025 00:05

2 nights doesn’t feel enough when I’ve caused so much upset for it

No I didn’t leave my ExH for him but I likely would have gone back sooner if I hadn’t met new partner after seeing how much pain I’ve caused DS

OP posts:
boccaallupo · 23/06/2025 00:02

I’d say 2 nights a weeks is ideal tbh. Why be in a rush to move in together? 2 nights a week is good for keeping things fresh in a relationship and don’t get sick of each other. I say enjoy the time you have together.

MuckFusk · 22/06/2025 23:54

Endofyear · 22/06/2025 23:44

You didn't leave your marriage for the new partner though - you left because you were unhappy in your marriage. If you go back to your ex, you will be unhappy and resentful, it's a recipe for disaster.

The new relationship has too many obstacles and will probably fizzle out at some point anyway if you don't end it. You need to give yourself the chance to meet someone nearer who can actually be part of your life and be around for you.

Your choice isn't between these two men. You have a 3rd choice which is to be single and open to a new relationship.

Show quote history

This. All the way.

Crinkle77 · 22/06/2025 23:47

Dont go back to your exH because you're lonely. Leave him alone. If you cant face intimacy with him it will lead to resentment and you'll just end up breaking his and your sons hearts again.

Endofyear · 22/06/2025 23:44

Ihatebeingme0 · 22/06/2025 23:20

I love the new partner
Im just so lonely as can’t see him much as can’t let him come to my home as DS says he will leave to live with his dad if he ever comes here
DS hates me for ruining his dads life

So then I think if I can’t actually be with new partner properly what am I even doing all this for?

You didn't leave your marriage for the new partner though - you left because you were unhappy in your marriage. If you go back to your ex, you will be unhappy and resentful, it's a recipe for disaster.

The new relationship has too many obstacles and will probably fizzle out at some point anyway if you don't end it. You need to give yourself the chance to meet someone nearer who can actually be part of your life and be around for you.

Your choice isn't between these two men. You have a 3rd choice which is to be single and open to a new relationship.

Original poster
Ihatebeingme0 · 22/06/2025 23:20

I love the new partner
Im just so lonely as can’t see him much as can’t let him come to my home as DS says he will leave to live with his dad if he ever comes here
DS hates me for ruining his dads life

So then I think if I can’t actually be with new partner properly what am I even doing all this for?

OP posts:
Mountainfrog · 22/06/2025 23:13

Perhaps the new partner is not the one after all if it’s too difficult with distance and circumstances to make it work. It doesn’t mean that going back to ex H is necessarily the right thing either. Those aren’t your only two options. Can you take some time out of dating and amicably coparent your child without giving him false hope that you’re getting back together?

ketchuptomato · 22/06/2025 23:12

Do you think you’re holding back with ExH because you’d like the relationship with your new partner to work?

if I was in your situation I would probably call time on the new relationship. Try going to therapy together & see if you can rebuild your marriage & your family.
I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/06/2025 23:12

No OP you need to break up with your partner and leave your ex to rebuild his life. Stay single and build your own life and coparent with your ex and model good relationships to your son. Your new partner isn’t the one for you as you are looking at another man. Ex isn’t the one for you because you don’t love him. You don’t need a relationship with a man.

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