Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

@Ihatebeingme0you are 6 months into a new relationship and having thoughts about moving in together and blending families? Waaay too fast. Feeling lonely because you can only spend 2 nights a week with him, so much so that you are thinking of going back to your ex? After 6 months? You are really not in a good place.

As a PP noted, have you ever been single for a period of time? How were you feeling about the split before you met the new man?

Why are you thinking about living with someone who you have only met 6 months ago when you both have children and you’ve hardly seen him due to distance?

@Ihatebeingme0 I think you would really benefit from therapy to explore all of this.

Get yourself some individual counselling. Your thinking here is really out of kilter, and a good counsellor might help you see how erratic your decision making is here. And your poor ex deserves better than a wife who isn’t in love with him!

But you can’t OP. So are you going to prioritise your son for right now or yourself.

You sound very needy. If two nights isn’t enough then it sounds like you have just jumped from a non affection relationship into another to fill a hole.

You are speaking to your ex because he is local and around all the time.

It always really saddens me when women think they need a man to be happy. Your relationship isn’t your priority but you are making it that and hurting people in the process.

Time to be single, learn to be independent, work on repairing the relationship with your son and stop prioritising another relationship.

Let your son live with his dad and you move in with new man and his children

Has anything changed about your ex husband since you split with him? Does he know/acknowledge what the problem (from your pov) was? Is he willing/able to work on changing those things?
Are there things about you that he would like to change?
Does he miss you or being in the family home/with son?
Have you had a serious discussion about any of this?
If not a reconciliation is a non starter.

Always hated the “you deserve to be happy” line. The only people who deserve to be happy are kids. As adults we all want to be happy but there are more complex dynamics in play especially when children are involved. “I deserve to be happy” is unfortunately overused as a catch all excuse to break up an otherwise happy home. As an adult you have to weigh up pros and cons of any decision and the impacts on all those affected and then make a difficult choice.

OP you are most definitely currently not happy. But you’ve made your decision and now you need to learn to live with it. Most especially you need to learn to be comfortable on your own and learn how to live outside a relationship. You also need to help your son accept the new reality and rebuild your relationship with him. Drop the new man, set boundaries with your ex, and focus on you and your son.

You need to learn how to be single. Some time on your own will allow you to focus on supporting your child to come to terms with the break up of your marriage and on building a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. At the moment you are playing with everyone's emotions as you assume responsibility for trying to fix them, it's essentially self sabotaging for you and cruel to your ex. He will not move on if you give him hope. I sincerely hope your child knows nothing of your dilemma or that would be cruel too given how much he is struggling.

You are not trapped, you are refusing to make a decision and stick to it. For some reason you think everyone else's happiness depends on you. Have you considered you are not that powerful? If you work on finding contentment for yourself you will cause less angst for the people around you.

Everything you have written suggests you are very co-dependent. I'd look into CODA.

codauk.org/

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends outside relationships? I think 2 nights a week is fine if you really like the chap and 2 nights with someone you click with is better than 7 nights with someone you don't.

I think the issue is really guilt you feel and suggest you get counseling for that. Also look to build friendships to address the loneliness. Is it difficult because you are remote?

Maybe it’s time to book a GP appointment to discuss your mental health? It’s been 18 months, your reaction at this point could be a sign of depression, or maybe anxiety. You aren’t trapped in anything, the break up was a while ago. Neither relationship makes sense at the minute, just focus on yourself

You do not love any of the two. How can you not see this? None of them is your guy. Just stop messing up with your child's father and your son's feelings with this pick me dance.

You’re not trapped. You have choices - many of them.

End both relationships (you’re stringing Ex along, which will hurt him more in the long run, and clearly aren’t happy with new partner if you’d consider getting back with ex) and get therapy.

DS will be best off with happy parents, that doesn’t necessarily mean ‘together’ parents.

Dump them both, get therapy. Learn how to accept you can't make everyone happy.

Your son will probably come around. Maybe get him therapy too.

Am I right in thinking you’ve been with new partner since Xmas 2024? 6 months? Still very early days if that’s the case

Going back to exh is not good for your child (or either of you) if you arent in love with each other and treat each other well.

2 nights a week should be enough with new guy. I would make it work until the kids are older if I loved him (or it was heading that way). No situation is perfect but with new partner it is working towards a lovely life together just need to be patient while you both prioritise your children.

End things with your new partner
Do not get back with ex

You don't love your ex... getting back with him would be for the wrong reasons (your son) won't make you happy and would actually be cruel to your ex as you dont love him or really want to be with him

Focus on having a positive co parenting relationship and spending some time on your own. You son will get used to you and his dad not being together.

You need to work out what you want.
I understand you must feel guilty splitting up with your ex but you did it for a reason and that likely hasn’t changed. You can’t force yourself to love and want to be intimate with your ex.
If you are only going back as they want you to then it feels like it would be difficult to make it work.
I completely understand re your relationship with the new man. I’m in a similar situation & feel lonely at times. But I know it would be the same with anyone I dated as I have limited time around my own DC & work. I don’t want to move anyone in and disrupt my DC’s lives (I know many people do & I don’t judge that but I know it’s not what I want for my life).
I know it feels selfish but work out what you want then find ways to make others & you happier with this situation.
Your ex needs to move on & stop blaming you.

Ultimately while you say your ex husband was a good dad you also say he lacked emotion and affection. Those things are pretty important in a parent for a child as well as in a partner.

If you’ve spent years building up resentment about how your ex husband behaved towards you in terms of lacking affection but had limited attempts at talking with him about what you needed, didn’t do any kind of counselling and split up without really exploring any ways to fix it then maybe there could be something salvageable in your relationship. In that case it’s going to take a lot of work and you both being honest about what isn’t working and if there is a possibility to change that.

If you’ve tried all those things before and ultimately you are just incompatible at a fairly fundamental level as he can’t/won’t give you something you need then there seems to be no point trying again.

I don’t think you can go back to try and keep your son happy. I also don’t think it would work even if you tried it.

You need therapy OP.

I suspect you have since 17 pretty much be in a relationship and you don’t know how to be alone

then you need to work on understanding you can’t make everyone happy and going back to your ex isn’t going to do so either

yiu are trapped in a trap of your own making. Lose the partner and set clear boundaries with your son and ex and work on yourself

putting yourself first and not being trapped in a marriage should make you feel guilty

Have you posted this before OP? I'm not post hunting or anything but it sounds extremely similar to a post a few months back. The self diagnosed ExH, the son who dotes on the dad and constantly pushing for a reconciliation, even the details about being lonely because the new partner is miles away and housing situation, expect its missing critical information about a DD who is ND and relieved dad is no longer in the home because he was often quite cold to her.

If it is you then the advice still stands, your DS's and Ex's feelings doesn't trump pushing everyone getting back into a very unhappy situation, your ExH hasn't changed and a self diagnosis won't make any difference expect provide an excuse for his behaviour. Has he actually done anything to prove that things might be different this time around or is he simply just banking on your DS and the "ASD" diagnosis to change your mind? You don't love this man or want to be with him.

If it's not you then the advice above still stands and neither of these men are the right situation for you. Take sometime out from dating, you are obviously not ready for the dating world yet, and perhaps get some counselling for you and your DS. You can't pin your life on a coin toss of what would make your DS happier. Us as parents have to make difficult decisions at times, our children don't always like it but they aren't the ones in control of big life choices. If anything it is unfair to both of you that DS is your only reason to go back to this misery.

Be by yourself. Anyone that loves you would wait. Put your son and you first.

It's easy for the new partner to seem like the love of your life when you're only seeing them 2 nights a week. You barely have any idea what they're actually like. They could be very different to actually live with and be with properly.

Perhaps suggest your ex take you out on dates to see if anything could be rekindled. You said it was the lack of affection and intimacy etc. Tell him that. Leave ball in his court.

Reliable is very, very hard to find.

One of the first things you need to do is accept and understand that you cannot fix everything for everyone. You also have to think of you own happiness - You cant keep everyone and yourself happy!!

You left because you were not happy and it wasn’t working. If you go back only you will still be unhappy and the marriage still won’t work
you did not leave for your new partner and ok it’s difficult at only 2 nights a week but that relationship still makes you happier than your marriage

You can’t fix it so that everyone is happy.

If you honestly want to rekindle your marriage you need to put some honest work into it - which means exploring what was missing and why, and what might be different going forward. If there’s still love there, and you can rekindle some passion with him it may work out but it needs to be a determined, active decision on both parts to do the work. If loneliness is the issue though there’s nothing more lonely than a bad marriage.

The new partner - who knows if it will work out, I wouldn’t be too quick to to move in with someone anyway where kids are involved - you must have known it’s not as straightforward when kids are in the mix. Being lonely is hard, but it’s not the worst thing in the world and there are other ways to build a life than moving on to a new partner.