Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

Please go for therapy, you sound very confused, and while you say you want to fix things and make everyone else happy that's actually not healthy. You can't turn the clock back, you can't undo your past actions.
You do need to understand your own motives, and explore why you felt lonely in a relationship, lonely when you are single, and why you feel its such an unbearable emotion.

You don’t have to choose between 2 men.

press pause. Stand on your own two feet. Live without a relationship and focus on your son. Enable him to maintain a good relationship with his dad.

let things settle and in a year or two have a think about what you want your relationship with your ex to be - stay separated but with a good amicable situation, or get back together (assuming he still feels the same at that point and hasn’t moved on). But don’t rush.

Option 3.

Going back to the Ex Husband when the underlying issues are still there is daft. The new bloke is clearly not right either.

Strikes me that you are more afraid of being on your own then anything, this is leading you into poor decisions.

Having done this myself. You dont love new partner you love the feeling of being wanted and loved when your marriage was cold. Dont live with him why do you want his bad habbits etc. Twice a week is nice keeps the msyery. Dating is different to being married remember that. Id get rid of both and learn something new. Ive started doing small trips. After having a 2 year hell relationship after my separation from ex husband. Im healing now. Ive got lake garda booked soon and a trip to venice. Im also going skiing next week. Focus on yourself not men.

I agree with this.

I think you will absolutely destroy your relationship with your son if you pursue this new relationship anyway. It’s not worth that.

You need to be happy on your own.

You aren't going to miraculously fall back in love with your ExH again just because the new relationship isn't going anywhere. How about just getting used to being a single mum and making the best life for your son before you start looking for a man again. You are really making this all about you and what you want. It is possible to survive for a while without a man.

Is this the partner you fell pregnant to?

I think you need to be single, let your ex heal, let your son heal and work on building a happy life for yourself without 2 unsuitable men.

OP, just own your decision. Let both men go and be there for your children. Take responsibility and stop saying you're trapped, you're not.

Jesus Christ, it’s not a choice between one of the other. How about you choose yourself….

“But I love him…” - actually it’s more likely you’re afraid to be on your own. It’s a rebound, not to be taken seriously.

2 days a week is plenty, the other 5 you get to focus on you and your son by being a present mum.

I left my husband last year as he made me fucking miserable after 24 years together and it was disconcerting being alone. But, you adapt and get to focus on what you want.

I have a son the same age, I didn’t dangle the prospect of me and his father getting back together. I was adamant and I think it helped him to know there was no going back.

I also promised him that I would never inflict a “step dad” on him or allow a man to move in with us. Right now I’d rather set myself on fire than date but even if I do in the future, he won’t be involved in my children’s life.

I don't really understand why you couldn't keep dating your ex..

A year is too soon to be planning on moving in together anyway, and he doesn't need to meet your child for a long time yet.

I have only just moved in with my boyfriend and we have been dating for 4 years. Up until now, we had been living 2.5 hours drive away from one another.

look plenty of children deal with 2 households and are just fine. Stop wallowinf about it all you did was end a relationship that was t working

Not sure why you’re getting a hard time. You did the right thing and left DH. Most men have an affair and then leave their wives, but when a woman leaves she is still expected to think of her ex.

Don’t rush into anything. Enjoy being single.

Why do you have to have either?

You say you left - but it sounds like he had to move out of his home & is now renting a flat. If you wanted out then why didn’t you move out? Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like he got the worst deal out of the separation. DS is probably gutted he can’t see his Dad every day.

My partner and I have been together a decade and still do not live together. We see each other 3 nights a week but for the first few years it was 2 nights a week with no children around. Our children are in separate schools etc. There is no need to live together.

Get your son some counselling, stop stringing your ex along, and find ways to fill your time.

@Ihatebeingme0 I have been in a similar situation to you. Broke up with my exDH 18 months ago - there was no affection, intimacy, he used to get angry a lot - he's also now self diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I couldn't live like that any more, I felt like I was slowly dying, so instigated a separation. My dc were upset, so was my exDH.

I then met a guy who seemed to offer everything I'd been missing in the marriage - love, care, fun, intimacy etc. I was blown away as it had been so long since I'd felt desired or cared for. We weren't in a relationship, just dating, but slowly I realised that there were other issues with the new guy (he lives a long way away, different lifestyles etc) which meant that it wasn't perfect.

I felt so guilty about breaking up the family and a few times almost went back to my ex, but luckily talked myself out of it. Even though I felt like I loved the new guy, I also felt like I still loved my ex in a way, and I so missed the family all being together.

I stopped dating the new guy (we are still in touch as friends) as I realised I just needed time on my own. I needed to grieve the end of my marriage properly, and start to rebuild myself and my new life with the dc. I started therapy which has been really helpful.

I now realise that I don't want to get back with my ex at all - we are now too incompatible. It's sad for the dc, but I keep reminding myself that families come in all shapes and sizes, and actually they are now spending more quality time with their dad than they used to when he and I were married.

I'm actually starting to enjoy being on my own, whereas for over a year I was feeling so lonely, desperate for love, and thinking that my only options were to get back with my ex or stay with the new guy. I think the ending of a marriage especially with children is such a huge thing, it really does take time to grieve and come to terms with everything.

I found it helpful to realise that I could give myself time to see how things pan out and not rush decisions - your priority now is looking after yourself and your dc, and taking things one step at a time.

Stop stringing ex along.

Either except you can only see partner a couple nights a week or finish that too.

He's being a responsible father. What is he supposed to do? Up sticks to move 2 hrs away, when his partner can't even have him in her house? He is not making excuses, he is putting his children first. Good for him, he's hardly stringing her along.

OP, this is your third thread on this at least..you need to just make your mind up

The newness and passion probably won't last with the new partner and DS is never going to accept him or probably any other man. Your DH is nice dependable, loves you and your DS, there are many much worse reasons to be with someone. I agree with marriage counselling see if you can get the spark back into your marriage. The relationship with the new partner seems doomed, too many children involved, too far apart and why is he separated? Is he a nice, dependable man or did he dump his wife and kids? You are looking for some ideal, a cross between your, in many ways, great Husband and the passion of a new love but also someone your DS will approve of. Two out of three's not bad.

Your son is not going to forget all that has happened & going back will not “fix” any feelings he has about what has happened.

Split up from your partner, it’s obviously not the relationship for you. Spend time with your son, work through his feelings about the separation & build the relationship with him. He’s young, he isn’t happy about the split but when he’s older he’ll look back with a bit more understanding hopefully.

If you go back & it blows up again I’m not sure your relationship with your son would come out without irreparable damage.

Focus on him, if you’re lonely look to fill that gap with relationships - it doesn’t have to be romantic.

I think you need to slow down here. Your exH clearly is a good man in some respects but it sounds like both physical and emotional intimacy was missing for you. He has self diagnosed with ASD which may or may not be correct. I think the new man no doubt is exciting and seeing him only 2 days a week for 6 months means it holds all the promise of something wonderful. But the reality is, you are not long out of your marriage and I think it takes a fair bit of time to emotionally unpack all that. It may be you are getting something from your new man right now that you were craving but it doesn’t mean it will necessarily work out in the long term due to practical and valid obstacles. If you feel there is no chance of your relationship with your exH being something that you actually want, rather then something you do out of guilt, then I think you should be clear to your ex about that. You need to focus on building something stable for your son and a solid co parenting relationship with your exH. To be honest it sounds like the new relationship is just creating pressure for you as you feel that whatever comes next has to be amazing to justify leaving your ex. But I don’t think life works like that. You understandably sound a little fragile and I think you need to work on yourself maybe with therapy to better understand your choices and how you will move forward. Best wishes x

You are creating a recipie for more pain for everyone