Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

You need to make a complete and clean break with your exh. The damage is done to that relationship and “family life” with him - the upset to your DS has been caused and won’t be undone by going back. In fact you’ll just make it worse. You need to give DS a sense of stability in a family of two, just you and him (and exh create a similar sense in his household).

The new man - either you can end it, or accept that you’re only going to see him two days a week.

Moving new partners into a child’s home is rarely a good idea tbh - I sincerely hope this wasn’t your plan on splitting with exh!

Edit - where you’ve been unreasonable to exh is in making him think there’s a chance of getting back together- that was very unkind as you still don’t love him.

You can't play with your ex's feelings because you're feeling lonely OP. It's not fair to either of you, or your child.

You are not trapped, you're just hesitating.

Let the ex go, he needs to rebuild his life and letting him stay in your house for contact isn't going to work and it won't spur him on to sort out more appropriate accommodation if he thinks he can wait you out. Have that chat and end this LD relationship, it's not meeting your needs.

not possible

It’s not your job to make everyone happy. That’s a trauma response - you need to sort out your people-pleasing (which almost always stems from parent-pleasing in childhood). You’re likely subconsciously creating this drama as a means to work through your trauma.

Neither man is right for you and you know that.

The best thing you can do for your child is work on your issues and get comfortable being alone. Get some therapy if you can, it will help.

Leave you exH to move on. It is cruel to carry on with him when the feeling isn't there. Let him find someone who feels for him the way you feel for your partner.

And where are you?

yes you have children with competing feelings but what are yours?

because they need I think to win here.

and to be honest I have an emotionally sensitive DS and it can seem that giving in and letting him have his own way is the right course but it isn’t. It is the easy wrong course.
teaching him that life isn’t always going to give you what you want and coping with adversity is a good thing.

learn to be alone OP with neither man

Grow up.

Leave the ex alone.

I feel sorry for him to be honest, kid gone, home gone, relationship gone.

So you have a daughter who doesn’t want her Dad to come back, you who doesn’t want to get back with him and a son that does?

were you taught that as a woman your feelings aren’t valid and that you sjoukd
defailt to me. You have removed your DD from this because she is relevant yet she is

therapy and working on yourself as a single woman

The op said she had a child and how much this business affected him!

OP- I got back with my exh when I felt similar to you. This was after two years. It was absolutely without doubt the worse decision I have ever made in my life.

I lost my loving partner who I hurt terribly when I ended it with him.

I limped on with my ex for another 4 years but it just was the same as before. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him and had sex just out of duty as little as I could get away with. It all fell apart again when I had an affair.

please do not go backwards when you don’t have those type of feelings. It’s an absolute recipe for disaster.

Will you go for therapy?

If it wasn’t for your son would you still consider getting back with your ex?

Why do you think it's your job to "maintain everyone's happiness"? Another thing to explore in therapy. Because the fact is, it isn't your job. Other people's happiness is their own responsibility, not yours. Step back from trying to fix others emotional states for them.

You sound like you've got a "rescuer" trait going on. It sounds nice, but is actually unhealthy both for the rescuer and those they try to rescue. It can lead you into toxic or unhealthy situations in life, which you then try to solve, instead of extricating yourself from at the earliest possible chance.

This helps nobody, not even you and is another sure sign you need therapy. If you hate yourself for how you're behaving, you've got a conscience, you're not a dickhead, but you're behaving in a way that's harming yourself. You're not a horrible person you're just struggling to make good choices in life and you could use some help to work out why and what you can do to change, so you can be someone you like.

For one thing, take a look at why you married someone so cold and unaffectionate who doesn't fulfill your needs. That wasn't a good decision for you and ultimately hasn't been a good decision for him either.

His reaction to all this is interesting. He isn't asking himself WTF went wrong and how can he fix it. He hasn't googled how-can-i-be-more-affectionate and started putting it into practice to win you back by changing himself.

Instead he's googled why-am-i-not-affectionate, he's made this relationship breakdown all about him and understanding himself, not about you and your needs at all.

He's looked for an explanation that could excuse the way he is ("diagnosing" himself with ASD. Which you can't actually do, by the way. "Self-diagnosis" doesn't exist, it simply means "think I might have", his choice of words is to make it seem more important, more official, something you must pay attention to and make allowances for. It also excuses him from the effort of seeking an actual diagnosis, making it seem pointless since he's "self-diagnosed". ).

Has his realisation that he may be autistic also made him realise he could be unintentionally sabotaging his relationships with others? (His marriage breaking down without any third party involved would be a massive clue). Has it seen him signing up to attend therapy to learn more about himself and how to have better relationships with others? Or is the underlying message one of -
"hey I think I'm autistic, so we must assume that's true regardless of whether it is. It means you need to put up with any behaviour from me that you can't stand, no matter how much it destroys your own emotional health and mental wellbeing, because I can't help it".
Because that's a pretty toxic and selfish stance to take, to try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do by using a health condition to play victim. It shows zero care and consideration for you and is just about him getting what he wants (you back with him and tolerating his behaviour as before).

I also wondered if this was the same poster, in which case the information about the DD who had a difficult relationship with her dad is quite a vital piece of information that has been missed out.

Apologies if this was not you @Ihatebeingme0 but it sounds very familiar.

Sorry but I think if you have to choose, then it’s NEITHER. If you can’t decide then neither one are ‘the one’. You’re a bad person, you can’t be stringing people along and giving them false hope either. You obviously get a thrill over the fact that men want you but with that mentality you’re going to hurt people in the process. Maybe sit there and reflect the impact this has on others and not your own selfish needs

You’re not trapped! Just cry off men for a while and be single. You’ll find your way and be happier as a result. You just need to realise you do have choices and your happiness isn’t dependent on being with a man.

Why? For putting yourself first for once and not being trapped in a relationship.

or something deeper

Start by fixing yourself. Leave others out of the equation. Once you're secure in yourself and confident you can make good choices in life, everything else will fall into place.

Another poster made a good point. You were single for a year before meeting the new guy and were fine. Now, even though you're with the new guy, you're so lonely you're thinking of getting back into a relationship with your ex. Take this as a sign that the new guy and your relationship with him isn't actually any good for you.