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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a little unfair although I can see the reasoning!?

42 replies

Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 20:33

I am moving in with my partner. I live in Ireland and I get a small amount of benefits (less than €50 a week) I also have an element of extra tax credits so my pay is a little more than If I wasn’t single so I think the difference is about 40per week.

I am moving in with my DP (not dc’s dad) and so because of this I will loose about €90 per week. I know I know…i get the reasoning but it’s still hard to take a bit.

I will take home about 3100 per month (I can do OT to top up also) and dp’s is about 4100, he is very kind and we are paying pretty much half of everything except a few bills which he will pay so it will even it out. I can see I’ll be better off. But he’s not their dad and what if he wasn’t so kind about money? I’m sure there’s men out there who are not!

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ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/06/2025 23:13

Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 22:53

Well the initial realisation was…that’s a bummer I’m not gonna lie, but on looking at it no I don’t actually want/need it, I’m fine with it, it was there when I needed it and I don’t anymore so I won’t be claiming it anymore.

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So…. What’s the point of this thread?

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 22:53

DoYouReally · 22/06/2025 22:44

If you decide to live as a two income household, why should you get benefits that apply to a single income household?

It sounds like you want to gave your cake and eat it.

Well the initial realisation was…that’s a bummer I’m not gonna lie, but on looking at it no I don’t actually want/need it, I’m fine with it, it was there when I needed it and I don’t anymore so I won’t be claiming it anymore.

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DoYouReally · 22/06/2025 22:44

If you decide to live as a two income household, why should you get benefits that apply to a single income household?

It sounds like you want to gave your cake and eat it.

whitewineandsun · 22/06/2025 22:32

You're sounding a bit too grateful for what is essentially practical because he gets what he wants (living with you) and not really anything to do with being kind. Presumably there's a win here for both of you. Why else do it?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/06/2025 22:13

Stupid to say ‘he’s not their dad so what if he wasn’t nice about the money’ your relationship is optional, if he was an arsehole that didn’t want financial ties then you wouldn’t need to move in with him. It’s irrelevant to everyone that he’s not the DCs dad when you are moving in together, these are your life choices and it’s a positive change that’s totally fair. You could equally choose not to live together.

Swiftie1878 · 22/06/2025 22:05

I genuinely do not understand this thread.
Good luck with the house move etc. Hope all goes well!

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 22:01

TruthOrAlethiometer · 22/06/2025 21:59

How are you worse off?
You’ll be splitting bills instead of being solely responsible for bills. How are you worse off?

That’s why benefits go down/are removed and calculated differently for two adults, because you’re sharing the bills and you’re not solely responsible. If you met a man who expected you to pay for everything then you obviously don’t move in with him 🫤

Well yes I wouldn’t…but unfortunately you read these kind of situations on here all the time. I’M not worse off, but I’m sure some people are.

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TruthOrAlethiometer · 22/06/2025 21:59

How are you worse off?
You’ll be splitting bills instead of being solely responsible for bills. How are you worse off?

That’s why benefits go down/are removed and calculated differently for two adults, because you’re sharing the bills and you’re not solely responsible. If you met a man who expected you to pay for everything then you obviously don’t move in with him 🫤

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:56

Hankunamatata · 22/06/2025 21:47

So you lose around £300 a month. But your dp is going to pay a bit more as he has bigger wage?
What's your advantage? Bigger house, nicer area?

Bigger house, new house, my own house so not renting.

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Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:55

OoohYes · 22/06/2025 21:54

And I’m guessing you’re not including child benefit in your income calculation. It’s €140 a month per child, not capped or means tested.

No I didn’t include that.

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Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:55

OoohYes · 22/06/2025 21:41

Irish taxpayer here 👋

You seem very grateful to this man, but not grateful to the system that has subsidised you.

You’re in a home that you own with a net income of close to €90k a year. What more do you actually want?

I am very grateful to the system, I literally said about that in a post above. I’m extremely grateful that it was there when needed. I’m grateful to my DP in lots of ways, as is he to me.

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OoohYes · 22/06/2025 21:54

And I’m guessing you’re not including child benefit in your income calculation. It’s €140 a month per child, not capped or means tested.

Hankunamatata · 22/06/2025 21:47

So you lose around £300 a month. But your dp is going to pay a bit more as he has bigger wage?
What's your advantage? Bigger house, nicer area?

DontReplyIWillLie · 22/06/2025 21:43

I will take home about 3100 per month

You poor thing 🙄

OoohYes · 22/06/2025 21:41

Irish taxpayer here 👋

You seem very grateful to this man, but not grateful to the system that has subsidised you.

You’re in a home that you own with a net income of close to €90k a year. What more do you actually want?

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:35

MuddyPawsIndoors · 22/06/2025 21:21

Ok well, your gratitude over his 'kindness' is a bit of a worry as it comes across as though you have quite a low bar.

He wants to live with you and your children and needed a solution to make that work.

He's not showing 'kindness' so don't feel as though you and your kids are beholden to him.

I most certainly do not don’t worry

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GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:27

I do get what you’re saying OP. You’re saying you as a couple are now moving in together, but it’s not like he’s suddenly going to start going halves with you on school trips, uniform, snacks, presents for school friends birthday party’s etc. If he is then, great! But it’s an awkward conversation to have ‘do you realise you are now expected to provide for my children?’ All well and good most of the time but I imagine there are men who won’t or will be resentful. That said I do agree with the system, otherwise single mums who don’t have a partner would be worse off.

CopperWhite · 22/06/2025 21:25

But he’s not their dad and what if he wasn’t so kind about money? I’m sure there’s men out there who are not!

Mothers should avoid moving in with these men then. A child’s risk of abuse increases significantly when they are made to live with a step parent.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 22/06/2025 21:21

Ok well, your gratitude over his 'kindness' is a bit of a worry as it comes across as though you have quite a low bar.

He wants to live with you and your children and needed a solution to make that work.

He's not showing 'kindness' so don't feel as though you and your kids are beholden to him.

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:16

MuddyPawsIndoors · 22/06/2025 21:15

I wasn't worried.

But since you mentioned it, how old are they?

And would they really be likely to be heard if they said no?

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Old enough to have an opinion and yes they were heard. They are always heard.

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MuddyPawsIndoors · 22/06/2025 21:15

Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:11

My dc had a say don’t worry…

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I wasn't worried.

But since you mentioned it, how old are they?

And would they really be likely to be heard if they said no?

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:15

Pessismistic · 22/06/2025 21:13

If you split up and had to move houses, schools dc gets used to dp then he’s not there. Have considered any of this.

Would have to move house yes but not school. Of course I have considered it.

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Pessismistic · 22/06/2025 21:13

If you split up and had to move houses, schools dc gets used to dp then he’s not there. Have considered any of this.

Psychologymam · 22/06/2025 21:13

Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:05

I can’t opt out of the pay rise, it’s automatic. And you’re right they were great when I needed them…I don’t really need them anymore so it’s ok. I just worry for others who don’t have the same kindness in a dp etc I suppose

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But again - why would anyone move in with someone who wasn’t kind and if the move made them less well off financially? It posts a picture of financial abuse and overt control and really that would be the problem, not the benefit structure. Well you could give up work and then you’d get more in benefits?
never really makes sense to try be less well off does it. Although your honesty is commendable because I think a significant proportion of people lie about it.

Original poster
Inheritancequery1 · 22/06/2025 21:11

MuddyPawsIndoors · 22/06/2025 21:08

I just worry for others who don’t have the same kindness in a dp etc I suppose

Why do you keep talking about 'kindness' like this, it's starting to come off as a bit strange.

He's met a woman with DC, he wants to live with this woman and her DC, so he has to make that work.

It's called finding a practical solution, not 'kindness'.

There's no need to keep worrying about other women like they don't have minds of their own.

If you're going to worry about anyone, worry about all the kids who get no say in who their parents choose to live in their homes.

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My dc had a say don’t worry…

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