GP displaying family photos, children's pictures dedicated to 'daddy' or 'mummy'

When people are in the midst of the crisis they can lose perspective. The DIL is at the GPs specifically to talk about her fifth consecutive miscarriage. That is the difference for her from seeing kids in all the other aspects of her life. The GP should be allowed the pictures, of course, but cut the DIL some slack. The majority of people do not equate the loss or lack of a very dear and beloved pet to multiple miscarriages and the fear and grief of never having a child.

How is she going to cope walking down the street and passing a family? Eating out at a restaurant and seeing parents feeding their kids? God forbid this woman ever go to a park…

Yes, it might be legitimately upsetting when you’re in that very specific vulnerable spot but you have to take responsibility that it is their own upset. It is not the responsibility of everyone around them to stop being parents because it makes them have sad thoughts.

It sounds like this poor woman would benefit from therapy. I can’t imagine how hard it all is, but you can’t expect people never to have photos of their children in their office.

Fair enough. I didn’t think it was flippant.

Not for you. Not for me, as it goes, but is it beyond the bounds of your imagination that different people have different motivations, and can feel strongly about things you don’t care about?

I have been infertile, I have watched other people have children, I have visited places with children. Have I wished I was in their shoes? Absolutely! But I find it hard to accept that so many people are so self-obsessed that they actually think their misery is greater than another’s or that it should curtail another’s joy? You should be ashamed of your attitude and of the attacks you’ve made on me simply for expressing a different opinion.

5 years of unexplained infertility and 5 rounds of IVF enough perspective for you?

My point is this: either we all have to accept that we may see things that upset us by reminding us of something we lack that we desperately want, or we have to live isolated to avoid that. You can’t gate keep other people’s emotions. So we have to accept our own and endeavour to live with them and not let them impact those around us. That includes not expecting a poor GP who spends most of their days away from their children to not keep pictures and mementoes of them.

I was FAR into the post thinking you meant grandparents!

Now it makes much more sense!

I thought she was drawing a really flippant parallel for the sake of argument. I apologise if I have that wrong.

Here's the thing - and I've had plenty of grief in my life including miscarriage and adored parents - our grief is personal and it's about us, our sadness and our pain and loss. It's not about anyone else and no one else is responsible for it. I know some friends like your DIL who were always looking outside of themselves while going thru IVF, raging at friends repeated happy pregnancies, unhappy about photographers displaying happily pregnant women. You're just displacing your grief, it's not about them, it's just another way to be mad at the world, which of course is human. But our pain is ours to bear, hopefully with love and support of our closest people. Thinking this way will help, I think.

Infertility does not relate to wanting to buy a horse. Just when you think you’ve seen it all on MN.

You really need to get some perspective

That wasn’t a joke. My colleague had PTSD after her horse died unexpectedly.

How do you know?

For this poster it may be exactly the same. And that is why really the OP is a bit unreasonable. People’s deepest, most painful regrets vary from person to person so it is not possible to manage them all.

What an unnecessarily unpleasant comment. Just why?

People are driven by different things. Why do you get to gate keep grief?

Don’t be so dismissive. I’m horsey and have suffered infertility. I think the comparison is not a bad one. Maybe it is you who lacks the ability to understand how deep emotional drivers go for other people.

She’s not joking. Horse people feel intensely about horses.

Or someone who has sadly lost their goat.

Not only has your attempt at humour fallen flat here with this obnoxious comment but it’s missed out the very crux of the matter- the doctor patient dynamic. I do hope you spend more time with horses than humans in future for the sake of us all.

My GP had to take a call from her child minder during my consultation a few years ago. And go and get her car seat from her car to give to the child minder. I’m sure most mumsnetters would have been horrified by this. I didn’t mind one bit.

You and the DiL are being ridiculous.

In no way is wanting a horse the same as living with infertility.

I do, actually. Lost two babies. But you just carry on...

Oh for goodness sake. Way to go at dismissing a very painful, long lasting, unrecognised grief. You have absolutely no idea.

I would desperately love another horse (I no longer have one) and I can be mildly upset by photos of people with their horses and enjoying them. Even someone riding past can make me temporarily sad.

But this is on me absolutely and I have no right to insist that everyone sells their horses (to me) to enable me to feel better.

And yes, I know pregnancy and loss aren't the same thing, but the feeling of sadness and desire to try to control the world around me so as not to feel upset are the same.

When my son was fighting for his life in PICU, I had to walk through a corridor full of pictures of now healthy children with thank yous for saving their child's life to get to his room.

I could've let the pictures offend me but I read as many as I could and told myself that my son's picture would be on that corridor one day and now it is. The pictures gave me hope and I'm sure it reminds staff working in such a difficult place why they do what they do, especially on days they can't put a child's picture on that wall.

It can be both at the same time. GP’s work with some very complex individuals and should bear that in mind in the environment they keep.