GP displaying family photos, children's pictures dedicated to 'daddy' or 'mummy'

We're ad idem. Unfortunately, women do seem to love pulling other women down whatever the circumstances, and I have met many women who do what you mention. I have been told that starting as late as 30 was the reason why I had to go through IVF - for all we know my husband's sperm was crap when he was 18. Always assumed it's the woman too.

That’s exactly the point I was going to make about a higher proportion of women still trying in their forties being the “ just can’t” section of women who, through no fault of their own, couldn’t have conceived even if they had started at 14. And that does skew the stats.

But there is an increasing attitude amongst some that delaying pregnancy is “ bringing it on yourself” and they don’t want to hear otherwise so I couldn’t be bothered replying.

But if the people I’ve known who delayed for good reason, they got the family they wanted ( sometimes with more trials and tribulation) and it was certainly better than having Dc with the wrong partner or before they were otherwise ready.

I know some who sadly didn’t but they were trying from their youth.

This. A lot of fertility issues are present earlier, but only get identified later on in life. Also, the people still trying in their 40s tend to be the people who didn't have children earlier. For some that's because they weren't trying earlier, but many will be "still trying" so this may skew the data.

No one is saying that it isn't harder to get pregnant in your forties, of course it is, but those who would always have difficulty may skew the data because they - not having been successful earlier - are still trying.

My own timeline was that I started trying when I turned 30. For various reasons we were told not to worry and to just keep trying. We didn't start investigating infertility (beyond with our GPs) until I was 35. If we hadn't even started trying until I was 32, or heaven forfend, 35 I would have been close to or in the "dreaded" 40+ bracket. I had three IVF children (and a couple of losses) in quick succession, because I was aware of my window closing. It took a phenomenal toll on my body. I am now 43 and we are contemplating using our last frozen embryo (I would not go through another full round), but desperate as I am to use it, I am aware this may not be what is best for our family. The other thing that bothers me is that I don't understand what the additional risks are with an embryo "conceived" when I was 38, but implanted at 43 (of course it may well not work anyway, but I would like to understand the additional risks).

I don't think we understand the additional risks or the downturn in fertility properly yet. And I can't help but believe that this is in part because it is seen as a woman's issue (though of course reproduction affects everyone if you think about it).

It’s unhelpful to say a percentage of women “will fall pregnant” without also taking into account the likelihood of carrying that pregnancy to full term.

The risk of miscarriage continues to increase as we get older. At age 40 it’s around 33%. For many, as with the lady OP was referencing, the getting pregnant part isn’t the main issue.

You also have to factor in the higher risk of miscarriage at older ages. Also higher risk of health issues for the baby. And that goes for both older mum and dad.

No one should assume they can get pregnant easily, but especially if you're over 35. Sure that's not everyone, that's what statistics mean, but it's definitely not a sure-fire thing.

That needs to be viewed alongside 55 percent likelihood you don’t get pregnant in 6 months of trying when you are twenty.

Gosh OP, you are getting a really hard time here.

FWIW, I don't think you are being unreasonable. For the reasons you have stated, but also from a safety perspective. I was once peripherally involved in a situation where a very unwell gentleman made specific death threats against his GP. No way would I be drawing attention to my family at work.

Your feelings are valid, look after yourself.

20% is still not very likely is it?

It 80% likely you won't get pregnant with 6 months of trying.

About 20 percent of 40 year olds will fall pregnant after six months of trying. That isn’t 20 percent compared with 100 percent of 20 year olds; it compares with 45 percent of 20 year olds after 6 months. Falling pregnant happens in a window of cycles usually. An “each cycle percentage” misses the point that adding months increases the chances.

Try for longer and it increases.

Twenty percent is not “very unlikely.” Especislly when twenty year old fertility is less than 50 percent in that time frame.

More anecdotally, I know plenty of mums who conceived late thirties and early forties and the women I know who didn’t get there in the end had fertility issues from their twenties.

It is. It's only 25% per. Cycle at 20....20% at 30, It's 5% at 40, and drops to 1% at 45.

So, she's correct, it's very unlikely to get pregnant over 40.

@Calliopespa i know, fancy me thinking they were being flippant!

It really isn’t.

To be fair the goat was unexpected in a thread about miscarriage. 🐐

Her GP can have photos of whatever the fuck they want in their own office!
Maybe she should have thought about having children earlier rather than when pushing 40; despite all the MNs who’ve apparently had their first at 40-47 the reality is very very unlikely.

TBF this whole post began as a friend of a friend type of thing and I’m not sure why the OP posted - sounds like it was just to get a reaction. I’d imagine the poor lady in question is in a bad place right now and feeling all sorts of grief and anger and not thinking straight. I don’t think most people take much notice if family photos in reality - everyone seeing you is more concerned about their own problems. Thanks for doing a pretty thankless job.

Don't worry @DrLucyVanPelt most people in the UK would kiss the ground in gratitude if they saw a doctor face to face. They would barely pay attention to this.

I'm a GP and actually don't have any photos on display, more to preserve privacy than anything. Some patients can be challenging and to be honest some I would not want seeing photos of my kids.

Gently, this is a massive over reaction, and whilst I'm very sorry for this person's difficulties they are not the GPs fault. The doctor having kids and a patient struggling with fertility or MC are not linked, it's not a zero sum game.

Should pregnant doctors not come to work in case someone is offended? Should the surgery ban babies and children from the waiting room is case their presence triggering? Ban posters for the Health Visitor or immunisation clinic?

It's pretty thankless being a GP, getting worse and honestly things like this make me despair.

5 miscarriages. That's horrific. I hope she has already been referred to a specialist and not just going back and forth to the GP. 2 miscarriages and and an embryo loss were more than enough for me to take.
I don't think there's anything unreasonable in something minor tipping you over the edge when you're in the darkest place. I could barely leave the house. I'm sure no one is planning to complain to the GP surgery.

That's not what I said. I said that someone who is personally invested is likely to be unable to be objective, which is just one of the many pitfalls of trying to categorise emotional responses. But if you can't bear to be disagreed with, that's your prerogative and you should absolutely feel free to flounce.

Ah yes, the old “you’re too emotional to comment so your opinion is worthless” post. I won’t be commenting on your posts any further, not because my experience makes me un objective, in your opinion, to comment on MN but because I fundamentally disagree that the pain of infertility and a desire for a horse is equal.

No you can't but other people can, so obviously, it's a point of view, and I would say a valid one, though it's not mine.

Unfortunately I also disagree with you that you - as a person who has very sadly experienced (and continues to experience) infertility - is best-placed to comment on this. Unfortunately, your personal experience is likely to make you less able to consider the situation objectively. You are not in a position to comment objectively on whether your pain is "worse" or "more valid" than anyone else's. Another excellent reason that we stick to managing our own emotions, and not gate keeping those of others, perhaps?

People are too far up themselves now and think the world revolves around them.

What a ridiculous OP. People are just getting offended by everything.

I’m sorry for her loss, but the reality is that there are going to be reminders of the existence children all around her as she navigates the world, so how is this any different?

Should we keep our children covered up and out of sight in case the sight of them upsets her?

I’m not “ashamed of my attitude” but thanks for trying to shame me. I, also live with infertility permanently. No happy ending. Just infertile. So wind your neck in. I actually agree with you about the drs room, albeit sounds OTT and twee, but I cannot equate wanting a horse to living with infertility.