Is this grumpiness, early dementia or abuse?

You do NOT have to give him half the equity of the house just because you've lived with him a couple of years. Nor do you have to pay him back exactly the amount of money he contributed to the house. I appreciate that you want to pay him something and that's fine but do not clear yourself out to assuage your guilt. How much cash did he actually spend on improvements, what were they, how have they actually increased the value of the property? Forget the monthly payments he's made as they can be considered rent.

Has he paid rent? I would seek legal advice first and factor in rent owed.

could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened…. @GrannyJJ

I can't say it's not dementia but I do recognise that pattern of abusing someone then acting as if nothing happened. It's a very common abuse tactic and it's not because they've "forgotten".

You can leave the relationship for any reason, I know you want to define what is happening but will that make it any better for you?

Pp can be grumpy without being abusive but your do sounds abusive.

It's a pattern of abuse over the last 10 years and it's escalating.

You deserve better, is this really how you imagined your retirement?

If you swither, ask yourself this - do you want to nurse this man through his final years? Say it is dementia. It would be hell. Look at what he’s like NOW. And if you get ill, how would he treat you? I don’t mean flu, and I hope you both stay well, but just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’ll go first. Looking after a very sick/dying person is, as many of us know and you might well too, stressful and tiring and dreadfully frustrating at times. Doesn’t sound like a person I’d want to be vulnerable around or depend upon. He has already displayed contempt for you. He’s already bullying you now. I don’t think you owe him £80k morally, you certainly don’t legally. it’s up to you but please don’t disadvantage yourself. He’d be your husband soon if it wasn’t for his shocking behaviour. He’s the one who’s abusing you and apparently it’s all justified to him. More than one person has said he speaks to you in an unacceptable manner.

Be careful how and when you break it to him though, he sounds like he might be the type to erupt in spite. Maybe not to the extent of hitting you but threats and maybe property damage.

OP, I think that what you said about his daughter keeping her distance probably tells you all you need to know, ie. it's likely he's always been grumpy, and hard to please, but because when you first posted. you weren't feeling very sure of yourself, you were trying to find a reason for it. The fact that you split up previously, also tends to indicate that this relationship hasn't been a good one for quite some time. So bearing that in mind, I certainly wouldn't be considering standing by him, if he has got dementia, as people who suffer from this awful disease, can become extremely violent as things progress, and it seems he already has a tendency to be that way, so while it may sound hard, it doesn't sound like he deserves you putting your own life on hold for someone who has clearly treated you with disrespect for a big part of the time you've been together. As a matter of interest, do you know why his previous relationship broke down?

As far as the money side of things is concerned, I think the fact that you feel that it is morally right to give him his money back, is very commendable, but not necessarily the wisest move with regard to your own future, particularly as you say that he has enough money from the sale of his previous property to start over. I would definitely get some legal, and possibly even financial advice, before you give him anything, because as previous posters have said, it does sound like he's lived with you for all that time without necessarily paying his fair share, or doing his fair share around the home, so please don't rush to make financial settlement offers until you know where you stand legally and personally.

I would also fill your son in on the fact that you are planning to end the relationship. You don't necessarily have to mention what has happened this weekend, unless you want to, but at least let him know what's going on, so that he can support you, and be there for you should you feel you need protection when the time comes.

OP, he doesn't do it because you 'allow' it.
He does it because he's an abusive shit.
He wouldn't threaten his mates because they could probably kick his arse / because he doesn't feel entitled to their subservience.

Before you give him any money, please calculate the fact he's been living in your property rent-free for X amount of time so he 'owes' you for that if you 'owe' him for home improvements. Which I don't think you do, by the way.

Kindly, please leave him. You don't have to live like this. X

When time is right you could respond to his behavior with:

“Grumpy, you don’t seem happy. I’ve been noticing for a while that you don’t seem happy. (Long pause wait for his response … just wait because he needs to start talking … yes or no )”

If he’s unhappy, ask what HE needs to change.

if he says he’s happy, you need to say his behavior is damaging to your relationship.

only HE can make himself happy.

I haven't had the chance to read all of the responses but I've read all of your messages, OP. I couldn't not reply.

Please get away from this man. Having been in a similar relationship (different circumstances though), he will suck the life and spirit out of you, and become more abusive.

I understand what you're saying about wanting to buy him out but I would avoid as much as you can, as I doubt he would do the same.

We women are so shaped to please men - what do they want, what do they need, considering their feelings etc. Well all I can say is f*ck that. He is not considering YOU. No amount of apologies or therapy can make up for this. I bet if you were abusive to him, he would be off, and not considering if you had a health condition.

Please do be careful too. Men like this ramp up the abuse when they suspect or know that you are leaving. Grey rock him as much as possible, where you don't tell him anything about your plans etc, so that he knows nothing. Document as much as you can too.

I’m another who thinks you would be better off without this unpleasant man in your life. And no way would I be giving him any money! Morally he doesn’t deserve it - he should have treated you better.

People will be pleased you’ve split, trust me.

The money towards bills you shouldn’t return to him as it’s the cost of living.

The 80k he put into the house I’d return so that you could cut contact completely. I wouldn’t bother getting house valued or giving him a percentage of market increase. Sod that.

When someone hears about an isolated incident which in their mind appears out of character they may give a crap response. It’s also typical for the victim to minimise the bad behaviour, because they still feel protective of the partner and the relationship, and can feel shame about their experiences. Had you said to that friend that yes he may have been stressed but it’s typical for him to speak to me very critically, to put me down, to make me feel bad about myself but only to do that when there is no one to witness it, do you think you’d have had a different response?

Life and soul of the party.

"Street angel, house devil". more like

My DF has dementia and it manifested in the early stages as not being able to complete fairly simple processes - ie not being able to follow directions and exiting on a slip road, locating his keys from remembering where he put them, not being able to serve himself from platters on family style meals etc.
It didn't manifest as being a nasty bastard to specific people he wanted to keep in line

Don't pay him ffs, that's idiotic.

You have no idea if you will be able to keep working as long as you anticipate. Do not remortgage because you do not know if you can service the loan for as long as you anticipate. You could end up having very little to leave your kids if you make this knob end such a generous present.

This is awful. It really must be quite bad if people are commenting about the way he talks to you. It takes a lot for people to do that. It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of the way he treats you- adhd, dementia. It’s normal to try and frame it and understand it but ultimately he’s out of order. I do hope you find the courage to leave.

You’re right to try and extract yourself before you marry this man. He is abusive and the fact he only behaves this way with you tells you that he has far more control of himself than he would like you to know. Looking forwards be mindful abuse escalates over time so it will only get worse. He’s also not going to change unless he recognises he’s abusive, is very committed to addressing it and is willing to engage with specialist services to do perpetrator work. This isn’t a situation where couples counselling would work, as it’s not recommended that people in abusive relationships engage with couples counselling. You therefore either need to accept this is your life, tiptoeing around an unpredictable, abusive and angry man, or get him out. It sounds like you’ve made your mind up so now it’s time
to take action. I would highly recommend as a starting point you confide in someone, even if you don’t share the full details. Telling someone he’s been verbally abusive and you’re asking him to leave will hold you accountable to your plan but also offer additional emotional support, as well as helping to keep you safer at a time when domestic abuse risk increases substantially (when ending a relationship).

Don't waste these last good years on him. No-one is guaranteed good health. Don't assume that you can keep working, or you've got time in the future. End it quickly and make plans that suit you.

OP, I work in dementia as a mental health nurse. This guy has been an asshole for three years. He doesn't have memory problems, he's just a piece of abusive shit.

Dementia a progressive decline of memory and functional ability. Even with things like FTD, which causes significant personality changes, you will see a functional and linguistic decline. After three years, you would know if he had dementia.

I'd get rid of him sooner rather than later, and I certainly wouldn't be giving him £80k to go away!!