I make the decisions-elderly parent

As others have said as you get older you not only have physical problems but also struggle with the mental side of things, maybe remembering things or in this case making decisions.
My elderly dad is like this, so last week when he had a bathroom fitter visit I went along and made all of the decisions about the new bathroom. Like others I have just gone completely neutral. In the time it has taken to write this thread and read the replies you could have chosen a cream blind and a beige carpet.

This may sound absolutely crackers on my part but I'm going to have a wild stab in the dark about your situation:

Every single change of plan means more contact with you. If this doing up her home situation ends, well then, she's all set, she'll be on her own. As it is, you've got a project together.

If she has her carpet or her blinds or whatever the hell else done, she's at a loss to know why she needs to talk to you.

My mum, (85) is like this with sending me completely useless bits of rubbish through the post. It gives her something to focus around. She can't just shoot the breeze.

Lastly, (and this could be absolutely off kilter) Does she have a bit of a longing that perhaps she could move in to your house?

Anyway, Elderly Parents Board on this website might be more helpful than posting on AIBU.

You have my greatest sympathy as somebody who has just wasted several hours of her life in the late hours of the evening this week trying to explain why I don't want a pair of Hotter shoes orthopaedic trainers in brilliant silver and in the wrong size and how, if she wants to talk to me, she needs no excuse.

Not sure if I am coming across as unsympathetic - I'm anything but, just trying not to yabber on too long. I do get that it feels you're drowning in this right now.

Is it a way of getting attention I wonder. I have this a bit from elderly MIL. Fixating on details, getting me to order her things, etc

SIL was also getting it and has withdrawn a bit I noticed, after getting involved in a an online purchase when something wasn't 'right' and had to return it etc, maybe this is why I am getting it instead!

I recommend the website called Out of the FOG online

But if you're painting you can't get to your phone... can you? And you shouldn't have asked her for the day off, you should said you couldn't go because you were decorating.

Look up transactional analysis. You need to be engaging with her adult to adult - beware of slipping into a parent/child dynamic. I wonder if she is sometimes adopting a parent persona and sometimes child, which pushes you into the corresponding child or adult, which you would naturally resent. I think you might find it helpful to read up on this and research ways to move to a more adult to adult dynamic with someone who resists this.

End of pop psychoanalysis from me 😂 . It's advice I have received myself and found very helpful.

“Hi mum, roller as easier to pull up and down and no tangled strings, also cheaper, you can get blackout and they wipe clean”

xx

Oh OP, you’re getting a hard time here but I totally understand what you mean.

I’m going through similar with my 81 year old mother who is getting her bathrooms renovated. Endless conversations about which type of taps, shower tray to choose, and dear god the decisions about the tiles…

I think it’s because they don’t have much else going on in their lives, so it becomes all consuming. I have some patience for it, but like yours my mother seems to want me to make decisions for her. It’s frustrating because I know her well enough to know that I’ll be at the receiving end of criticism if it ends up being something she doesn’t like.

It’s like learned helplessness or something I dunno, I find it draining.

Just taking those messages out of context I would say you're being reactive and it doesn't require any more than "happy to advise but it's still your money and your decision". But I get it, all the baggage makes it much more complicated than that and unless you have experienced the manipulation it is difficult to convey the impact.

Decision making can get incredibly difficult at times - I have experienced that with depression myself and I can easily imagine old age could do it too. I wonder if the fact you gave her the money makes it worse, like she feels she ought to get your approval on how she spends it. And maybe she is used to having to agree it with a partner.

I think I'd go with trying to squash the decision support into as small a box as possible rather than trying to hand it "back" to her. If you push her to decide she will probably umm and ahh for so long it'll still bug you. You could try to ring fence the choice by using a formula like cream or white with her favourite colour, keep mainly to plain fabrics with one patterned one in the room, stick to off the peg rather than bespoke curtains, and saying you'll come and advise on the day but refuse to spend any of your own evenings researching paint colours etc.

Blinds will be fine in cream or white. If she wants to pick up another colour in the room, going for a lighter shade of it would be more forgiving than trying to match exactly, and more current. But I do appreciate you are really looking for parent handling rather than decor tips.

With all due respect, she is 83 years old. I know it is tough going for you but it is what it is.

I really don't see your issue here. Choose something bland or plain for your mum and tick the box as 'done and dusted'.

I also don't see why your husband isn't contributing to decisions on his own home.

I have the opposite problem with my own mum, who has extremely specific ideas about what she wants, none of which are affordable or doable - she held out for years for an antique-looking brass dustpan, and used tatty sides of cereal boxes as makeshift dustpans instead.

I understand, OP. I suppose that it is easier to know for a fact that he won't help at all further down the line, when the inevitable starts to happen with your mother. All I can advise is to try to get out of her what kind of future she wants for herself if she should become incapacitated I can guess already what her expectations will be. Just be prepared for her to have a fall or something, and suddenly you will be needed a lot more. Have a plan for yourself in terms of what you will and will not offer her in the future.

edited because I missed out a word

Have you tried to liaise with your brother about your mother and her demands? Your set up is sounding depressingly familiar, OP.

I absolutely understand it's irritating, but it's due to cognitive decline. She can't help it.

I have just given in with mine. I choose every single thing. The key is to put minimal effort in.
Blinds? Neutral colour. Carpet? Beige. Paint? Off white? Shopping for the week 7 random ready meals and 2 bottles of wine.

I would go make the designs and see this project thru to completion. Then don’t take on any more. Make very neutral choices in terms of color and style for carpets and blinds as surely she can “decorate” with other not so long term accessories. Then no more money or help with decorating. It is frustrating in both your brother won’t help and your dm has decided to have you do both the physical and mental work of the redecorating. If you are doing both houses you can get burned out making decorating decisions I too experienced this. If she complains anout the choices in the future say….how ungrateful of you dm. You were asked many times to choose what you liked best and refused to make a solitary decision I did my best for you. And remember narcissists are rarely grateful or appreciative (IME)

Choose the most ridiculous, exotic, bizzarre, horrible stuff you can find.

She'll soon stop asking.