I make the decisions-elderly parent

You're at your wits end and close to burn out aren't you!

I've been where you are and it's exhausting both mentally and physically. The only advice I can give you is to take a day away from everyone where you can decompress and devote the time to planning your boundaries around work, the family and your DM. For example, if your visit to DM is one evening per week, stick to it and let her know you'll be sticking to it. Tell her you have to do this or you'll be ill because you're juggling too much responsibility.

Don't be available for phone calls if you're busy. There' no urgency for her blinds & furniture so don't be drawn into her timescale. Say no, you can't fit in another visit but you'll discuss it with her on your weekly visit.

I know it's easy to say that you can fix this by being more assertive and sticking to your boundaries but if you don't do something now, the situation will continue (and worsen) and you'll put your health, job, family, marriage at risk.

Good luck! 💐

You say you are still grieving your dad. I am sorry for that and send condolences.
But ... from this I conclude that your mother is grieving too ...

It will be.. I’m sorry, I know where you are. I lost my dad a few years ago, and my long term job, and my best friend. And it was the start of having to do more for my mum. And I really resented her sometimes. I was closer to my dad. And I got grumpy with her. I still do. And it’s not really her fault. It’s me burning out. I don’t know what the answer is. I’m five years into caring for her. It’s hard. I don’t know how, but you have to look after yourself too (not quite worked out how to do it!).
So perhaps just tell her roman blinds in the floral - it doesn’t matter what you say, whichever she sounds to be leaning towards, don’t actually put any serious thought into it.

Keep your chin up.x

I am widowed and on my own and, whilst I do not NEED someone to help over these sort of decisions, it is quite nice sometimes to bounce ideas off someone else and share the choice. It's bloody lonely just choosing for myself, or watching a TV programme with no-one there to chat it over with.
You don't realise how much you will muss these little things......

Hey, I know it’s stressing you, but I think she’s just getting older and losing confidence/wanting support. My mum is a year older and I have to do much more. Some days I end up wiping her backside too. I’d swop with you any day!

My dd is in his 90s and dmum has passed. My friends who I have k own since age 13 all struggle with their parents and decision making. So so stubborn about everything. So so indecisive about everything. All the marital/ personal issues now blatantly obvious…drinking not getting along virtually ignoring each other. my 2 besties are from families of 3 kids/ 5 kids but the locals so all falls to them. All this to say you mentioned needing boundaries…we all need boundaries and boundaries are not permanent but evolving as we and our parents age. Don’t let her live with you. It will be non stop and affect your marriage Hope your bathrooms turn out beautifully Dm is truly making a mountain out of a little bump…Roman or rolller who cares in the long term. As pp said easier to operate easier to clean best price point be your guides

I don't consider that a snotty message.
I'd far prefer to make the decisions for her, it would save so much time rather than back and forth, when she can't.
I'd state what I'm ordering and give her one day to object, then order it.

When my parents were moving to be close to me, I chose everything. All they needed was their furniture. They had never seen the carpets and furnishings until they arrived.

We??
Speak for yourself!

Good lord I could not put up with this. I think I would instigate a visit only once per week (or whatever suits you) claiming to have too much on with your renovations, and then provide minimal input on her decision making- a text such as ‘do whatever you want, I have no opinion’, and that only once per day or every 2 days max no matter how many messages I receive. At some point I’d be brutally blunt -‘mum i’m full on with my own house renovation at the moment, if you can’t decide just stick the money in the bank and forget about it until you feel able to manage it, I can’t help you, I don’t have the time’. Then just keep repeating that message every time the subject comes up. ‘I’ve told you I don’t have time to help, please stop asking.

@Hereforthekickz Come on over to the Elderly Parent board. You are not alone. Lots of us are dealing with parents who have capacity but are making poor choices.

One piece of advice I can give you is that you are not responsible for the choices your parents made. It does not mean you love them any less but you are not wholly responsible for them.

The world we live is in is different. Most of us are still working and dealing with children. Either they accept help e.g. check out your local AGE UK branch University of the Third Age or they have to accept that you will not be on their beckon call 24 hours a day.

@Hereforthekickz oh that sounds very like MIL. Especially the being the best, seemingly low self esteem and the lack of friendships --the latter because she won't put herself out and people get fed up running round after her and being put down.

Thankfully I am only the DIL and she is 240 miles away. Her own daughters buggered off to a different Continent after uni which speaks volumes. I leave her to DH. Thankfully I can.

If I were you I'd stop facilitating her. Put down some boundaries. Mum I do x on x day. You have to do y.

She is lonely and has built her life around you. She probably would prefer if you moved in with her to keep her company. It is difficult for her to understand that this is not going to happen and you are going to stay with your family.

Boundaries are important and can stop you going insane. Also if you need to switch off your phone for a couple of hours, then so be it.

I'm not sure it's old age. My MIL cannot and will not make decisions. She will agonise over buying a blouse, duvet cover, etc., because she cannot make up her mind whether she likes something. My view is if she doesn't know if she likes something, she probably doesn't like it but has bought a cheap version because she won't buy what she does like.

It extends to offering her a drink. What do you want before dinner MIL? What is there? "There's, red, white, rose, g&t, sherry". "Oh well what are you having". It doesn't matter what I'm having MIL, what do you want? "Oh I'll try and make up my mind". It is a complete inability to take personal responsibility for a decision and to be able to then say "well I had that rose wine because Roses said it was what she was having, but I didn't like it". It's a game and a way of blaming others if she makes the wrong decision.

My mother is the same age, she has never done it.

With my mother this is EXACTLY it. In the last few months the DH and I have each had health issues, problems with various parts of our house falling apart etc. yet the majority of convos have been about my mothers preferred shower tray - literally hours! It’s like she’s oblivious to the fact that wouldn’t be my (or surely anyones?) top issue, but needs control as something she is thinking over.

I hear you, I see you I feel this too.

with my mother, I will take it as far as giving a shortlist of options but honestly the dithering and backtracking and second guessing is next level. My DH just knows to throw a tea, wine, cold-flannel, kitten in my direction when it starts again.

I find that not being available until 30 mins before a decision is needed saves the back and forth as we end up in the same place. I also find being clear about ‘do you want an opinion or a decision’ sometimes helps too.

good luck and good patience to you :)

Nah it’s not easy, I get it, and after I posted that I read about the choosing furniture and how she can be manipulative so sending hugs, sometimes life is just absolutely shit and the stress feels endless. I also have a (2 actually) non contributing brothers so it just seems like a never ending thankless life. I keep reminding myself it’s not for ever. X

It is stressful though because putting the decision making on someone else can mean that if it's not right it is then that person's fault. It can be quite manipulative and attention seeking, not just about cognitive decline..