My dad hurt my son

You say that your dad was a good parent. I agree with others - he saw a male child about to do something violent and went into protective/ stop-that mode. So please cut him some slack here.

In his position, I'd be worried that my DD was raising a son, soon to be a teenager ( my teenage DGS is over 6 foot and built) who hasn't yet learned self control.

Edited to add: talk to him, recruit him as an ally.

I wouldn't ignore your instincts, but I would also keep in mind that he may not be able to judge the danger as accurately as you do with your son, or be as experienced in reacting calmly. You will get more information for those instincts as you talk it through with him, and will either feel more confident in your niggles or more reassured. If he was actually trying to frighten him he will struggle to come up with a different explanation. It might well be appropriate to raise his experience with caring for vulnerable adults but I'd do it carefully and let him do most of the talking as though you're simply curious to understand. Was he trained in restraint and was typically dealing with bigger and stronger people? Or was he left to muddle through in unsafe situations? If you yourself are not trained in safe holding you may actually want to be, before your child gets bigger and this is something where you can include people in your support system.

Perhaps a different view given my family’s experience of this but.. i am wondering if your child cried in shock at landing on the bed, or being prevented from throwing the item? As your son gets older he will have more ability to throw larger objects or cause harm - you and those around you will need some strategies around this.

I would calmly try to both get the facts and determine what to do in similar situations. Eg ‘Dad - I was a little upset after yesterday. Clearly DS behaviour is worsening and I am anxious he could hurt himself or others. Could you explain what your intentions were and let’s see if we can agree an approach that might work better?’ Do you have any SENCO support around moving/handling/ deescalation/distraction?

I agree, however I also have a son who can have these outbursts albeit he is 7. I have accidentally hurt him before and felt awful but it's been grabbing him tos top him throwing a chair or last week he went to lash out at my 3 yr old in the buggy, I threw my arm in front of him and he headbutted my elbow.

We used to have a lot of throwing and hitting and we always immediately stop, remove items, remove child and stay with them. Throwing and hitting can't be allowed to happen. You need to find strategies to manage this and your child's behaviour.

If he's deliberately hurt him as punishment my answer would be very different

Your son was throwing a chair in GP’s house with other people around
I think your Dad responded by instinct.
What happens when your son gets older & stronger ? He can smash up anything or anyone …
Your son should apologise to his Grandfather

I think its much more likely DS is getting bigger and stronger and he was about to throw something largish at you and on instinct he tried to protect you and maybe was just too strong/forceful.

He let go when your son was hurt and gave you space when you asked for it.

I think he just moved to fast and either overestimated DSs strength and resistance or underestimated his own. But id talk to him to understand and agree how to respond firmly but gently in future

Hi OP. This sounds really tricky for you. but also think this kind of behaviour is really hard to see for other people when it's not your child especially when that behaviour is affecting your actual child, you. I think give him a second chance before saying anything, I don't think you'll regret that.

If your dad is usually gentle towards children then I would think he was attempting to remove the risk of your child hurting you but had gone in too heavy handed. 10 year olds with Learning Disabilities/Autism can be incredibly strong, your dad may have just reacted to fear that someone was going to be seriously injured.

My first thought going from what you’ve said was that your dad reacted on instinct because he thought that his baby(you) were going to get hurt. It’s a difficult situation OP.

Hi there I am so sorry for you, I can imagine how torn you must feel.
Could you start by having a conversation with your dad?
The way you describe him it might be worth finding out how all this came together. Maybe he feels just as torn. Maybe there is more going on.
Good luck to you, hold strong.

I think you need to talk to your dad. Say this, dad you hurt "OP son" and I'm worried why?

Maybe he saw him about to throw a chair and overreacted attempting to remove a missile? Maybe he meant to use a hold to diffuse him but misjudged it? Maybe he was worried he would hurt you or your other children and just reacted too quickly?

To a casual observer the facts are sons behaviour has been worse recently, he was going to throw a reasonably large item that could hurt someone. Dad saw you go to get it, grabbed his grandson. When grandson cried he let go. And when you asked for space to deescalate he gave it.

I dont think this was great but i also think the injury could have been an unintentional incident. But it's reasonable you're upset. Your dad's been your support system for years so for me the obvious thing is talk to him and reaffirm boundaries for handling DS