My dad hurt my son

Did you talk to your dad OP? Did things work out?

I appreciate this was probably very unpleasant but you have known your Dad your entire lifetime. If you know his character then I would be careful not to make a mountain out of a molehill.

I would gently explain that’s neither an acceptable or effective way to deal with your son’s behaviour.

If he repeats it then I’d have a more serious reaction.

If anybody else was at risk of harm then a physical reaction would unfortunately be appropriate.

I agree you don’t parent a child with fear but nothing in your post suggests this is what your dad is trying to do. Is it possible your own mental health issues you refer to are making you read more into this incident than you should? On the face of it this is a situation in which a caring man with based on your account a fantastic history of parenting steps in and slightly overreacts - nothing suggests active malice.

I think your Dad reacted on instinct, he saw your child about to throw a plastic chair, and you stepped in to try and stop your son. Your Dad saw his daughter potentially being hurt by a chair being thrown by his grandson. He grabbed your son, to stop him from hurting you, his paternal instinct kicked in, to protect you. You need to think about what strategies can be put into place to help your son. He's getting older, and he's also getting bigger and stronger. He clearly can't regulate his emotions and doesn't like it when something he's enjoying has to stop. You not only need to keep him safe, but equally yourself, your son's siblings but also other people. You need to talk to your Dad too.

You are your dad’s child. And it was his house. He may have reacted to a pre teen child smashing it up and hurting you in the process.
This opens a conversation about what you are going to have to do when your violent child is too big to be restrained easily. Not easy op.

in the nicest possible way you need to better manage your sons behaviour, and make sure that all adults in the family are aware of how best to manage when he gets distressed.

ive been in your fathers position and while I’ve never put my hands on a child in the family, it’s really upsetting not knowing what best to do to prevent the risk of harm to them and or others

Another website which might be helpful

https://www.newboldhope.com/

Not defending or excusing your Dad's actions, but it could be that he automatically / unthinkingly reacted to protect his daughter

Hi

Apologies if this is inappropriate, but is it stinking hot where you are and was everyone just generally struggling? It's not an excuse, but could provide an opener to a conversation.

I actually think your dad responded appropriately if your DC was about to throw a chair - he could have seriously harmed someone. Your Dad prevented that

I post this link maybe once a week on this site, this organisation saved me and my DC. I’m sure they could help you, they are specialists and offer a different and imo much more helpful perspective/ parental coaching to deal with aggressive behaviour

https://capafirstresponse.org/how-neurodiversity-affects-child-to-parent-aggression/

I also agree. You need to teach some consequences. It’s not his fault or yours about the challenging needs, but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

I agree with this. You need to be teaching your son what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable. Throwing a chair is not acceptable.

I think it's more likely that your Dad used more force than necessary because he was in protective mode and the adrenaline was pumping rather than that he was trying to punish your boy. My learning disabled son can be violent and I know that my Mum really struggles when she sees him go for me. I have also occasionally found in defending myself or DD that I have inadvertently hurt him. Although he would also blame me if he hurt himself trying to attack me. Fortunately these episodes have become less frequent. Hope that things get easier soon and be kind to yourself

Intent to hurt and intent to frighten are two different things.
I think frightening / shocking into pausing or stopping a harmful action in a safe way (sounds like this was fairly well calculated given your child landed on a bed) is sometimes necessary. Intent to maliciously hurt is clearly not. From time to time there may be scenarios where some physical overpowering done in a safe way may be needed, but this is not the same as intentional physical harm or hitting as a punishment.

I suspect the problem is in those moments of impulsiveness when dysregulated previous consequences rarely change the outcome. It's gradually learning to manage it.

I’m thinking along the same lines as this to be honest op. Of course you know him best and were there to read the situation but it doesn’t sound like purposely hurting kids is in your dad’s nature generally.

I think you should be more worried about your sons behaviour then your dads response

Your dad came in to see someone about to hurt you and restrained them.

If he is normally calm and gentle then it does come across as he was trying to protect you.

I have a child with autism and I have absolutely grabbed his arm and moved it behind his back to prevent him lashing out at his siblings. He may not be able to help lashing out but I do have the responsibility to keep the others safe from harm.

This.
He can't just expect no consequences. Your dad was protecting you.

What will you say when your son beats you to the chair and throws it and it hits you? What will you do in a couple of years time when he is bigger and stronger than you? Autism isn't an excuse, he's old enough not to throw things and to remove himself from a situation when he can't handle it.
I think your dad wanted to avoid anyone getting seriously hurt.