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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disappointed in DH's reaction

245 replies

Roundandround1985 · 21/06/2025 17:12

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 26/06/2025 23:17

Why are you even asking his permission? Just crack on and get started. He doesn’t check with you so no need to get his approval. You have your hobby too now.

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 26/06/2025 22:50

'Family time' only counts when he has to be there because he can't escape to football/pub/friends and wants you there too to deal with the children.

He's an arsehole.

I'd be out of there.

outerspacepotato · 26/06/2025 22:31

It's time for you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online. Rename it something neutral.

Start using private browsing for mumsnet.

Do not reduce your working hours. He wants a maid and cleaner, he can pay for one.

Do you have a support system? Let them know he's starting to sabotage your work equipment and trying to keep you from doing things outside the home.

You have some real abuse concerns here.

I missed your update where he verbally abused you in front of the kids. It is time to let your support system know he is abusive and he's doing it in front of the kids. Check out lawyers, again, use private browsing. Set up a new email that he has no access to and cloud storage and start copying financials. Know where your important papers are and be ready to secure them. Make copies to leave with a trusted person

PithyTaupeWriter · 26/06/2025 21:48

Betty1625 · 26/06/2025 21:34

Also he tried to tell you toreduce working hours. Do you think this was because he wants to reduce your career and earning possibilities?

100%! He wants to make sure she’s well and truly trapped

Betty1625 · 26/06/2025 21:34

Also he tried to tell you toreduce working hours. Do you think this was because he wants to reduce your career and earning possibilities?

Betty1625 · 26/06/2025 21:32

I think his behaviour constitutes to gaslighting. Tries to convince you that you are the issue when its him that's the unreasonable one

LurkyMcLurkinson · 26/06/2025 21:05

Roundandround1985 · 26/06/2025 20:03

I am starting to realise that I am possibly in an abusive relationship...ironically dh says I a use him in the way I speak to him (I'm not and barely raise my voice to him) that because the children prefer me to do bedtime I have turned them against him (they're worried he will shout at them all the time for small insignificant things) he's tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety when a therapist i saw assured me I was just a slight anxious first time mum but nothing out of the range of normal

Does any of this wheel ring true?

Disappointed in DH's reaction
nomas · 26/06/2025 20:06

I’m glad you are starting to find your anger, OP.

ScribblingPixie · 26/06/2025 20:06

I'm really sorry, OP, but you clearly are in an abusive relationship. Please do some hard thinking about how you move forwards.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 26/06/2025 20:04

He’s a total arsehole on all points.

Original poster
Roundandround1985 · 26/06/2025 20:03

I am starting to realise that I am possibly in an abusive relationship...ironically dh says I a use him in the way I speak to him (I'm not and barely raise my voice to him) that because the children prefer me to do bedtime I have turned them against him (they're worried he will shout at them all the time for small insignificant things) he's tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety when a therapist i saw assured me I was just a slight anxious first time mum but nothing out of the range of normal

OP posts:
Petitchat · 26/06/2025 19:09

Roundandround1985 · 26/06/2025 18:14

Sorry for late reply, its been a week

Dh still isn't backing down. Still thinks its a ridiculous idea. Tried talking monday but he had messed around in my wfh space (i was in the office Monday) and broke some of my cables so I was a bit snappier thwn I should be so he got a in a strip and we have barely spoken since.

Tried talking Tuesday again he wasn't interested

Interestingly he has decided to go and play football tonight for a few hours. Out at 7 back at 10. So ok for him to go out and miss out on family time but not me.

I was in an abusive relationship once.
It's very difficult to recognise it when you're in it.

OP, have you grasped it yet?
Going by your last post, I really don't think you have.......

LurkyMcLurkinson · 26/06/2025 19:06

What does he say when you point out the double standard of him having unlimited time for his hobbies?

PithyTaupeWriter · 26/06/2025 18:35

So angry on your behalf. Maybe next time you have an office day, just stay out late afterwards. See what he has to say about that

outerspacepotato · 26/06/2025 18:21

So he's sabotaging your work as well as your outside activities.

I think your husband is borderline abusive. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic, negging is abusive....

I would stick to your plans.

Original poster
Roundandround1985 · 26/06/2025 18:14

Sorry for late reply, its been a week

Dh still isn't backing down. Still thinks its a ridiculous idea. Tried talking monday but he had messed around in my wfh space (i was in the office Monday) and broke some of my cables so I was a bit snappier thwn I should be so he got a in a strip and we have barely spoken since.

Tried talking Tuesday again he wasn't interested

Interestingly he has decided to go and play football tonight for a few hours. Out at 7 back at 10. So ok for him to go out and miss out on family time but not me.

OP posts:
PithyTaupeWriter · 24/06/2025 07:24

Codlingmoths · 24/06/2025 01:02

He’s not feeling insecure, he’s just a nasty asshole.

Show quote history

Exactly! I’m sick of women being expected to coddle these ‘poor insecure men’ and tiptoe around their feelings. He’s just an AH. OP shouldn’t have to minimise herself just to preserve his fragile ego

Polecat07 · 24/06/2025 02:03

He doesn't like you doing things for yourself.

LTB, etc.

Petitchat · 24/06/2025 01:24

Roundandround1985 · 21/06/2025 17:12

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

No, your DH does NOT have a point...

Why are YOU putting the washing away?
Why do YOU have to tidy the cupboard?
Does he have no arms and hands?

When do you have YOUR trips away with mates for 4 to 5 days?

You do know he is massively taking the piss don't you?
Sorry OP, but he really is....

Pickled21 · 24/06/2025 01:16

Any activity that requires training or significant time away from the family unit in my view should be discussed. However he does this already and you just get on with it. Why are there different rules for the both of you?

I have recently taken up running again and am doing a local park run at the weekend. I've lost 3 stone and started running again in preparation and my dh has been nothing other than supportive. He bought me new running shoes, sends me encouraging videos and memes. He takes an interest in my timings and is supportive which is what a partner should be.

Your oh is not a partner in any sense of the word. He's a dead weight that at some point you will need to shed yourself of. The name calling is unacceptable and you deserve better.

Codlingmoths · 24/06/2025 01:02

SingleMamma40 · 23/06/2025 20:00

It appears you've put your self last in this family. DH is just feeling insecure, don't ask why. It's a man thing. Get your self together, get fit and go do your marathon. Good Luck!

He’s not feeling insecure, he’s just a nasty asshole.

Michele09 · 23/06/2025 20:33

What does he do outside the football seasonon a Saturday? He could look after the children whilst you train.

SingleMamma40 · 23/06/2025 20:00

It appears you've put your self last in this family. DH is just feeling insecure, don't ask why. It's a man thing. Get your self together, get fit and go do your marathon. Good Luck!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/06/2025 19:55

LurkyMcLurkinson · 22/06/2025 17:17

Well there’s no doubting he is abusive now. Verbal abuse, threats (that you’ll somehow not have a marriage or a family if you start running), the silent treatment in an attempt to make you comply. Have you ever done the freedom programme? That would be a good place for you to start and you can do it online. You should also read why does he do that.

Taking up running will ruin your marriage?
No. He is the one ruining your marriage.
I won't repeat all the reasons people have already mentioned. but you know he's in the wrong.

Michele09 · 23/06/2025 11:21

Have I missed something? You cook on Sunday and your husband cooks on 2 to 3 nights. Who does the other 3 to 4 nights?