DS accused of assault

If I were you I would make it clear to your son he needs to tell the truth, this is his last chance to tell the truth. Explain that the police will get to the bottom of it one way or another and you can only help him if he tells you exactly what happened and who is responsible. If it’s him and he tells you now, you can help him, but if you find out later it is him and he has lied it will be much worse because not only will he face the legal consequences, you will impose sanctions.

Basically give him the opportunity to tell the truth and face minimal consequences - by minimal I mean he will only be punished by the police/school, and you can move on at home and he will not face further punishment from you. This worked with my DN when he was in trouble with school. Cracked within seconds.

I remember being piled on once, when about 16. It was by friends and everyone did it to everyone else in the group and everyone laughed but I still remember feeling terrified the time it happened to me, and I never joined in on others. It's dark, you can't breath and you have a huge weight on top of you. I'm saying all that not only to describe it but also to say it can happen within a friendship group and not as bullying. We don't know what this is.
What on earth happened by the person who ' got carried away' as you described it, for it now to be an assault. Of course it's possible victim doesn't know who as depending what was done they may all still have been on top while it was happening. It is very distressing to think of it and I hope the child is OK. But what happened him OP? Id hope someone saw something. CCYV may not be useful in this scenario as the others could have blocked the assault without realising, which is a good reason not to be involved.

The OP may not know though.

When I was a teenager all the boys behaved like this, well most of them, with their friends. They all did ‘bundles’ and played rough, so I can totally see why you think it’s normal, OP I sort of would too (I don’t have teenagers) because that’s what i was used to seeing and haven’t been inside a high school since I left, so I think people having a go at you for feeling like it’s normal are being a bit harsh.

That being said, clearly things are not okay and someone has been hurt. It’s a serious allegation. You seem to think your son is hiding something which isn’t good. You need to keep talking to him, telling him that not confessing means he could be in more serious trouble - but calmly, make sure he feels he can trust you to be fair, firm but fair, and supportive. Was the boy hurt someone who was being bullied? Was this a set up? How many other children were involved? Why have none of them come forward with the name of the person who supposedly ‘took things too far’? He needs to cooperate, his reputation and future is at risk here, whether he did or didn’t do it, this ain’t going to go away. This is a HUGE intrusion, but could you ask to look through his phone? Messages? Videos? The truth will likely be there.

You need to make it clear to him that this sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable. As I said, I get it, I do, but clearly I am wrong too because this has happened and there is an outcry on here about it, so you need to discuss with him his behaviour going forward. He cannot engage in this and he needs to speak up. I have little ones and I am on them all the time about how it’s not just about behaving well, it’s about speaking up when we see bad things.

Also, I’d get legal advice.

Good luck, I feel for you.

You need to get him calmed down and in a receptive frame of mind, and get him to be totally honest with you about what exactly happened.

Only when you know what has happened can you take the next step. There may be some serious repercussions for him, and it's best to face up to them sooner rather than later, then you may be faced with the less serious option later.

On a more positive note I would say that many young men end up facing this situation at some point, and IMO (having been through similar situation) that a big shock like this early on can help something more serious and damaging happening when they are older.

You can still support your DS even though you are hugely disappointed and upset, but honesty, genuine remorse and acknowledgment of stupidity need to be a part of the process.

If the attack was mob handed, but one person struck/stabbed another while several others looked on, then all could be classed as guilty of the crime.

It's not a case of 'I was just an innocent bystander' If he was present and part of a group that did it then they'll punish all of them.

All the more so if the victim says they don't know which one it was. Presuming it's because there were several of them?

So even if he didn't actually touch the victim he could still be in trouble.

At school, there may be CCTV. It’s possible it was filmed by another pupil and it’s also highly likely another pupil will tell the truth and name the attacker. Clearly tell your son this. Be prepared that the police may be involved and things could escalate. If your son knows who did it, he should be willing to tell you. And the very fact he let a year 7 be attacked makes him a bully and also guilty. Be prepared for some tough punishment ahead. Stand by him, but make it very clear this is wrong on every level. Let’s hope the victim is ok.

Get a grip there is absolutely no comparison, sport involves a team spirit and technics to ensure no one gets hurt aggressively.
No more minimising this OP.
Young men mess fight daily in school with their mate's, this was a serious incident that will involve the police, no comparison.

I'm sad for the poor lad who is probably traumatised now.

In a large secondary school kids do not all know each other - the OP hasn't said if they're the same year?

Op I went through A bit of a rough period with one of my DS, the shiftiness etc. On the first occasion it was because he knew who was involved but didn't want to say in case he was targeted (fair enough), the other time it was because the school, and me to a degree, handled the first incident so badly - similar threats of exclusion, me being very dramatic about his life being ruined etc - he was completely paranoid the same thing would happen again.

He ended up admitting to something he didnt even do (was proved he had no involvement) "to just make everyone stop and it to go away".

I guess my point is don't overreact until you know what you're dealing with. Posting here for advice probably won't help with that tbh.

I can see how difficult this situation is for you @Distraught2025.

The best thing you can do atm is to let your son know that the best thing to do is tell the truth so you and everyone else can actually fix it.

'Roughhousing' happens, it always has and it always will. Boys (and girls) will fight. Acknowledging the fact doesn't mean that you're minimizing it or writing it of as 'boys will be boys'.

Nobody is going to treat a 'pile on' at school as an assault without some very serious context behind it. Police don't get called for playground fights unless something serious has happened.

From what OP has said, after the pile on, something else did happened which is being referred to as a serious assault and that's what the school are trying to get the bottom of.

We're all just speculating here, but it's possible that the boy knows exactly who 'assaulted' him and doesn't want to grass. If he was on the floor after the pile on and someone has kicked, punched or jumped on him causing an injury, it's also possible that he's being truthful about not knowing their identity.

OP's son has identified who was responsible - he's either telling the truth or throwing someone under the bus. But unless everyone points the same finger, there's CCTV or someone admits it, with a bunch of kids telling different stories you're never going to get to the bottom of it.

Unless this child has suffered serious harm - which it sounds like they haven't - I doubt the police will be interested. The school will likely suspend them all and draw a line under it.

I know , it must be terrifying, lots of people piled on top of you, hard to breathe. Absolutely not funny.

It was a serious assault and your DS admits to being there and being involved with a group of children in the attack.
You say he wouldn't be capable but you know he was involved, and he's not telling you everything.
Doesn't sound like he's been wrongly accused.

I know.

A permanent exclusion would need to be agreed by governors, with a representative of the local education authority on the panel. It's not something the head can decide unilaterally.

If the shoe was on the other foot like hell would you be excusing your son saying oh it was just a pile on and boys play heavily. Your son is a bully and frankly I hope the school throw the book at him. Bullies deserve the punishment they get.

Our school made it very clear that "piling on" wasn't allowed and would be punished due to the risk of real damage from being jumped on by multiple kids ("broken back" rings a bell) This would have been around 1970 so a rather more robust world than today in many ways.

12 is old enough to know better and I'm afraid I don't think you're getting the full story from him OP.

Is there no cctv?

Also do not approach the victims family as this will be poorly viewed by the school. Rough play and rough housing is not tolerated at my school and students have been fixed term excluded and PEXed

A joke, messing around, you're excusing your brute son and his cronies.

So I would say your son and other boy should be fixed term excluded while they investigate. The school should then gather witness statements, cctv review and speak to the victim again. They then will decide on what to do. A PEX (permanent exclusion) might be the outcome if your son is found to have been violent. Also the family and school can involve the police. A managed move could also be explored but the local authority might need to be involved. A PEX can be appealed via the governors.

Is DS the only one school are talking to or are they talking to the whole group involved in the initial pile-on?If only him someone, probably more than one, has named him as the one responsible.
He's admitted to be involved in the pile on, did he try to stop whatever happened next, or to help the victim?

He needs to tell you everything before it comes out anyway.

I understand that you are horrified. I would be too, my DS is 10, much bigger than his peers, I hope with all my heart that he'll step in and try prevent the attack or tell a teacher before it occurs.

My small nephew who is gay was brutalised in school, if just one of the popular boys stepped in to stop it, he would have been saved.

Standing there, with knowledge of the attack is just as bad, as without the crowd, the bully would be powerless.

I would ground my DS for eternity.

Was the assault sexual?