DS accused of assault

OP said he has named the person he said did it

Exactly the point that I made in my post.

A girl at my primary school ended up in a full torso cast with a broken back after a pile on. Everyone was getting up and a lad who had just missed it ran up and jumped on her. They were younger and it clearly wasn't malicious, so no punishment from the school. His parents made him look after her when she returned to school (she thankfully made a full recovery) and they ended up being good friends. Very lucky.

You sound like you are minimising this…

Not to say that school are wrong, but my DD was accused of being responsible for a fight in her classroom.
The boy and girl involved said she had hit the boy and kicked the girl while the teacher was out of the classroom. Neither had a mark on them.
What actually happened was DD was repeatedly kicked by the boy while the girl held onto her arm, and then punched in the gut. No one else reported because the two thugs involved were feared
What made it worse was because DD wouldn't admit their story, a male teacher took her out of a class, into a class on his own and she said he interrogated her, threatening in her face that the school didn't like liars

In the end it was the bruising that came up on her that proved them liars but DD had already spent a day in isolation and been kept in after school until 4pm- I wasn't even told about this until she failed to come home at her normal time and I panicked and rang school.

We got an apology from the headteacher but I demanded the male teacher be dealt with, he was suspended for two weeks which I found to be a cop out but he then left at the end of the year.

If the child isn't sure who attacked him,the school believing your son is shifty isn't proof, he could well be scared of the others involved.

Retired teacher here. A girl started getting abusive towards me. I de-escalated as best I could, including walking backwards out of the classroom door so I could give her space yet still observe the class. She came out and sprayed cleaning fluid on my face: this was recorded on CCTV. She was given a one-day exclusion. I reported it to the police. I don't think anything happened; the officer said he'd pursue it but I think he forgot.

@Distraught2025 : chances are, even if your son is involved, this won't go very far. If he was involved and you're a decent parent, which I'm sure you are, you should give him the bollocking of his life and ensure him that, if this happens again, he'll be going to a different school.

It’s not rough housing it’s assault. You are still minimising. Like the phrase boys will be boys. The person involved could have suffocated and died.

He needs to tell them what happened.

He needs to give the name of the person who did hurt the boy and give as much information as he can.

I would worry that much as you want to help him you are not and it might be better to leave it to the school. He obviously knows you have a certain view of him and struggle to consider any other view. I think you may inadvertently be making it harder for him to tell you.

Make an appointment with the school and get everything they know before you talk to him again.

Im so sorry, you must be devastated. Have you watched 'Adolescence'? Of course it features a murder but it also features a boy saying he didnt do it, and yet he did. Might open up some conversations with your son.

My nephew caused plenty of trouble at school - nothing violent but he was accused of stealing. And he did the same at our house. And even though I knew he'd done it, you would have sworn he was innocent, he was that good. And nothing would make him admit to what he did - nothing.

I would suggest you look into some kind of therapeutic support for your son regardless of what happens. It sounds like he is at best a follower who wants to be in with the gang and at worst.....so he could benefit from some input. Equine therapy if he won't speak to a counsellor. Good luck.

If he was there, the law of joint enterprise applies if it can be prosecuted.

Doing something dangerous/ upsetting to someone else just because "it's fun" "everyone does it" doesn't make it ok. The victim will still have been scared and could have faced serious injuries. It's for the school and/or police to investigate, assess the effect on the victim then assign overall blame and punishment (though all involved in the assault should also face consequences at home) but those saying that it's ok cos they've seen it done or that 'everyone' does it for fun are irresponsible idiots. It's not ok or fun for the victim. Not everyone does it because most people know better.

Boys and girls, of that age, often fight. No need for massive dramas. 🙄

Yes there's quite a few limits that are advised now and that's one of them. It's not a sneaky check but a quick scan through every now and then, just so they know you're keeping a good eye and you care about online behaviour. Unfortunately, it's said now that children need more supervision online and less in real life. Smartphones really aren't built for children.
Sorry to derail OP. I don't think he hasn't told OP what's happened, just that she's not shared it here as yet. You've surely been told what the action was if he's accused of assault.

You sound like you’re doing all you can OP. How do you feel now given your update, do you believe him? I hope it’s the truth. How stressful for you.

Hardly anyone thinks their loved ones are capable of heinous things - just watch any true crime documentary and you'll hear that said. Teenage boys' frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet, they sometimes do things without really being able to think through the consequences. It's very possible your son did it but it sounds like you are doing the right things until you know for sure.

The pile on at DS’s school years ago broke the kids ribs. Can be very serious if you’re the one under it.

Is it? I didn’t know this, as o say I’m not there yet. I think it will be on his phone if he has one - video or threats from the perpetrator or possibly evidence that he is the perpetrator. His WhatsApp will show it all

He really needs to start opening up and saying who because otherwise hes hping to get enthralled in joint enterprise. I've seen/heard of lots of people being sent down for just merely eat himg or recording/organising and for not expelling en reporting it!. You need a solicitor if its a bad assualt

It's insane to me that the OP thinks that 'roughhousing' is ok.

What that word actually means is 'violence where you don't leave incriminating marks'.

OP, you seriously believe that children who are 'roughhoused' are A-OK with it? Have you literally not read a book or seen a film about school that was produced in the last 60-odd years?

We need to teach boys that hurting people is toxic and morally wrong - whether physical or psychological. Because it is.

Sorry you're going through this. If you are still not sure exactly what happened, I'd focus on this before any talk of consequences etc which might make him clam up further. I'd get him to go through it in detail by asking neutral questions e.g who was standing where when it started, what was said beforehand, what was said in response, who moved first, who was next to him in pile on, what he could see of what was happening to the victim, how the pile on ended, when he got up, when victim got up, who was standing where at this point etc etc It's then easier to spot inconsistencies but I wouldn't point these out until he's got to the end. And I would be VERY firm about him doing his very best to recount it all if he wants your support - no vagueness, no I can't remembers. Hopefully you'll then have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

At that age “piling on” was an extremely common thing for the boys to engage in for fun. They did it all the time.

It is possible that your son was doing this for fun. It is also possible that this was not something the victim was enjoying. Someone, then escalated this (kicked him? Held him down? Something extra…) and this may have been your son.

The fact that he seems cagey and not telling the whole truth, is I assume why you felt the need to ask for help.

I would do as others have suggested and keep reminding him that you can’t help unless you know the whole truth. He should think about what will happen to him if he continues to behave in an anti-social manner. He should apologise if he has done something wrong and you will find a way forward.

He admits to piling on top of the child as a joke.
This sounds like bullshit, something horrific has happened to another child and not only does your son know exactly what happened but is refusing to tell you and is trying to get away with.. I thought it was just a game and the boy liked it.. It’s what they all say.
I would not be telling my son I’d stand by him regardless, he should be in his room.. No phone, no iPad, no anything. He needs to understand that he needs to help fix whatever has happened to another child because it’s clearly something horrific before the police turn up at your door.

This is a HUGE intrusion, but could you ask to look through his phone? Messages? Videos? The truth will likely be there

I don't think it's a huge intrusion at all. The advice now is to regularly to checks on your child's phone and make sure they're aware you will do this. Good idea too, to check it.

If they've ambushed the other child as a target, they'll surely all be seen as involved.