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AIBU?

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AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

254 replies

olafandme · 21/06/2025 11:35

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/06/2025 14:47

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:12

When someone is shouting and screaming at you I don't think you should be expected to be kind to them, I'm not saying you have to scream and shout back because obviously they're a child but if you're teaching them that they can shout and scream and be met with kindness I don't think that's a good lesson, or in any way realistic.

The words also aren't irrelevant in my opinion.

But do you agree that it would be helpful to be neutral, in a sense of sort of "being the bigger person" ? I just think that meeting rudeness with a harsh or stern response has a tendency to escalate rather than de-escalate a situation.

Essentially, the behaviour a lot of people are looking for from the child is for her to put her own feelings aside (if she's annoyed by her mum or frazzled by school or whatever) and be polite or neutral, which is a form of kindness. I think it helps if the adult can model the behaviour that they expect, otherwise they are holding a child (with less maturity/development) to a higher standard than themselves.

I don't mean that words are always irrelevant, there is a difference between e.g. shouting "I've had a horrible day and I hate school" vs "I hate you, go away" but I think whether she is objecting to ice cream/an umbrella/a chocolate/whatever else is irrelevant/a red herring, and not the thing to address. If you disagree, I would be interested to know the reasoning.

Adrinaballerina · 21/06/2025 14:46

olafandme · 21/06/2025 12:05

Thanks so far.
To the “take a snack” crew - can you guess what happens if I take a snack? 10 points to whoever guessed I get screamed at (no matter what it is).
Once her friends granny gave her a snack and she snatched it and said “ I hate chocolate” to the poor granny. Another 10 points to those that guessed that she loves chocolate.

We’ve spoken about this (manners, being grateful etc) all so much. I’m exasperated and fed up.

To those who have said about school pick up being particularly difficult - you are absolutely right. She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me.

You really need to strip back pick up to nothing, just you, minimal communication or other stuff and the walk home. Don't engage, she's too overwhelmed by her day to engage properly.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:45

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:37

Oh Dear.
Why do play dates matter so much to you?
A lot of DC (especially those with ASD) couldn't give a flying monkeys about playdates. They'd rather be engrossed in their hobbies.
Did you know that eye contact is actually painful for some people? It's not something that should be forced.
Heaven forbid a child isn't popular.

I was replying to a poster, but feel free to take posts out of context.

And I am glad that my children are popular and have big groups of friends and playdates, thanks.

There are enough threads on here from parents in despair because their kids don't get picked or invited, or that everyone find excuse to decline when invited, not many threads that kids are invited too much.

Regardless, I wasn't making general comments anyway about the popularity, again, I was actually replying to a poster.

Branleuse · 21/06/2025 14:43

I think that another possible solution is to come prepared after school with a drink and snack.
Its such a small thing, but they come out of school, hot, bothered, thirsty and unsettled.
The shop across the road was always busy, and it was hard to choose something nicely when already in a bit of a mood.

My stress would be elevated by this point.
A bottle of water or squash and a biscuit was enough refreshment to get home without killing each other

OhSolero · 21/06/2025 14:42

Tell your dd the as she was very clear she doesn't like ice cream, you won't be offering her any but if she ever would like one, she can ask for it. To keep asking if she wants and ice cream would be weird, like you didn't listen to her at all, she said she doesn't like cold things.

But in my opinion, there must be more behind your dds behaviour, do you have a blended family, new step dad, siblings or any radical changes in your family life? Because the way your dd is acting up isn't typical of a child who is feeling safe and happy. Or of course, there could be SEN.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:41

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:40

If you know you child can’t cope with things like that after school then it is pushing them unnecessarily. It doesn’t matter what the offer is if you know your child can’t process it in that moment.

you can teach them when they aren’t in a state of distress. The OP has already said the vast majority of the time she is lovely and able to cope a lot better so the OP needs to address her own expectations for this short part of every day.

Ok well I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 21/06/2025 14:40

Yes it's a totally psycho thing to do. But also, I have that same 7yo and have often had those same thoughts (to be fair, I think my own mum might say that she also had that same 7yo 35 years ago....)

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:40

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:36

I'm sorry but offering your child an ice cream is not pushing them. And she will learn a whole lot quicker if she's actually shown consequences to her actions. There are lots of abusive adults out there who go around treating their "loved ones" like absolute shite because their parents never actually taught them how their words/actions affected others and just allowed this kind of behaviour to continue and excused it with reasons like "they are hot/tired/don't like to be asked things"

Edited

If you know you child can’t cope with things like that after school then it is pushing them unnecessarily. It doesn’t matter what the offer is if you know your child can’t process it in that moment.

you can teach them when they aren’t in a state of distress. The OP has already said the vast majority of the time she is lovely and able to cope a lot better so the OP needs to address her own expectations for this short part of every day.

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:37

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:30

Why does not making eye contact equate to not being invited for play dates with your children?
It's not the making eye contact as such, it's having a very careful behaviour so different and that you can't reasonably expect from anyone else. It's encouraging your child to expect what is not reasonable.
Other parents won't do it, which means your child won't be picked up by someone else.

she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home.
We've all done school runs. Is it not fair to say that children who are seen behaving like this don't tend to get invited by other parents?

I am not attacking you, I am just pointing out that parents are already dealing with their own, they generally don't have the energy or will to spend time and efforts on other kids for a playdate.

Oh Dear.
Why do play dates matter so much to you?
A lot of DC (especially those with ASD) couldn't give a flying monkeys about playdates. They'd rather be engrossed in their hobbies.
Did you know that eye contact is actually painful for some people? It's not something that should be forced.
Heaven forbid a child isn't popular.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:36

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:31

And she will learn that but the moment she is a 7 year old and she doesn’t have all those skills yet when stressed. That’s why her mum needs to respect the boundaries so she can learn as she matures.

you are expecting a 7 year old to change the behaviour when in this case it’s the parent who is pushing the child when she knows it causes issues.

I'm sorry but offering your child an ice cream is not pushing them. And she will learn a whole lot quicker if she's actually shown consequences to her actions. There are lots of abusive adults out there who go around treating their "loved ones" like absolute shite because their parents never actually taught them how their words/actions affected others and just allowed this kind of behaviour to continue and excused it with reasons like "they are hot/tired/don't like to be asked things"

GFBurger · 21/06/2025 14:36

Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 21/06/2025 14:13

Ok, I'm out. Was trying to be helpful and I'm being ridiculed.
I have a neuro diverse son who found the transition between school and home difficult. Keeping it very low key helped him.

I get it totally… I was agreeing with you.

I do find it funny that I sometimes can’t even smile at my daughter, because that implies I want her to react in a certain way!

But only funny internally of course. 😆

I just offered lunch with a ‘I was thinking it might be lunchtime’ and had to laugh (internally) at how that’s normal now.

You just don’t know til you know.

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:31

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:27

And there is a way to assert your boundaries and shouting/screaming at someone is not it.

And she will learn that but the moment she is a 7 year old and she doesn’t have all those skills yet when stressed. That’s why her mum needs to respect the boundaries so she can learn as she matures.

you are expecting a 7 year old to change the behaviour when in this case it’s the parent who is pushing the child when she knows it causes issues.

Okiedokie123 · 21/06/2025 14:30

To me she sounds tired and overwhelmed after a full day at school. So rather than help her deal with her emotions. Your plan is to torment her instead. Great way to ruin the bond between you.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:30

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:59

@RichHolidayPoorHoliday I invite you to find out about the neurodivergent experience of society and how being forced to learn to behave in a way that is only acceptable to neurotypical people leads to burnout, being out of work, not coping.

To answer your question, many many people are not coping as a direct result of being expected to behave like you suggest.

Why does not making eye contact equate to not being invited for play dates with your children?

Why does not making eye contact equate to not being invited for play dates with your children?
It's not the making eye contact as such, it's having a very careful behaviour so different and that you can't reasonably expect from anyone else. It's encouraging your child to expect what is not reasonable.
Other parents won't do it, which means your child won't be picked up by someone else.

she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home.
We've all done school runs. Is it not fair to say that children who are seen behaving like this don't tend to get invited by other parents?

I am not attacking you, I am just pointing out that parents are already dealing with their own, they generally don't have the energy or will to spend time and efforts on other kids for a playdate.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:29

Northerngirl821 · 21/06/2025 14:25

Her behaviour needs work but “punishing” her by withholding ice cream later in the day is not the way to do it. The consequence needs to follow the behaviour and she needs to he given the opportunity to rectify things.

That consequence is literally following the behaviour 🤦 she's not 2, she's not going to have forgotten what happened within a couple of hours.

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:28

OP have a look at Dr Naomi Fisher's podcasts. She is brilliant at looking at the reasons behind behaviour and using strategies to prevent issues arising in the first place.
If your DD does have a degree of neurodiversity then punishment and sanctions is not the answer. Learning coping mechanisms is the way ahead.

Sahara123 · 21/06/2025 14:28

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 14:02

Not smiling at pick up is among the very easy parts of parenting an ND child. I'm glad this thread has shone light on some of these things.

ETA: not sure that makes sense. Not smiling is easy compared with the million of other things we have to do to eg. keep ds in school.

Edited

My child has learning and physical disabilities, I get it. Apologies if I hadn’t quite understood your scenario.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:27

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:17

It’s teaching her that at a time you know someone finds stressful it’s good to respect their boundaries.

the child is making it perfectly clear this is a time she struggles with so it’s reasonable for the adults to make very simple adjustments to avoid the trigger point.

And there is a way to assert your boundaries and shouting/screaming at someone is not it.

SENNeeds2 · 21/06/2025 14:26

“ Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least.?”
Rather over the top and dramatic? A bit like how she behaves?

Northerngirl821 · 21/06/2025 14:25

Her behaviour needs work but “punishing” her by withholding ice cream later in the day is not the way to do it. The consequence needs to follow the behaviour and she needs to he given the opportunity to rectify things.

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:23

If she is ND and I'm not saying that she is, she may have been struggling with sensory issues all day (esp in the heat). She may have been masking all day (because that's what society expects people to do, just "fit in").
Coming out to you and then having to start communicating, fitting in with your plans, waiting around for an ice cream......is just the straw that broke the camels back sometimes.

My ND daughter (who also has demand avoidance) used to just do a thumbs up or down coming out of school and was sometimes too burned out to speak until she had an hour in her quiet room, playing her piano to decompress.

It's not personal.

BertieBotts · 21/06/2025 14:19

olafandme · 21/06/2025 12:44

It’s jokey in a way. Mostly- I am exasperated.
But I don’t think it’s “roundabout” to not offer ice cream to someone who has screamed at you that that hate ice cream in response to being offered it. It’s literally what she asked for.

Sorry, only just noticed this quoted response.

I get the exasperation - my DS (nearly 7) is similar. He is diagnosed with ADHD. I do not think this is typical after school pick up behaviour. I don't think ADHD is the only explanation, just mentioning that because that's one factor in our case. We got a diagnosis fairly early because we have family history and because he's generally struggled in childcare/education since he was 2. Sometimes the stress behaviours came out in the setting and sometimes they just come out at home. But he is a much clearer case than my older son, who only displayed stress behaviours at home. I am explaining this because with both DS1 and DS2 I posted a lot about their behaviour on MN and would frequently receive these confusing split responses where half of the posters would say oh it's normal, he'll grow out of it, he's just tired from school etc. And others would suggest it was caused by being too soft and we should convert to some kind of boot camp - it was odd.

Anyway, I think it's important to give the context that it's not typical behaviour, because especially with DS1 I thought maybe his behaviour was typical for much longer than I should have. He was my first, had no close age siblings and I had nothing to compare to.

The reason I say it is roundabout is because the behaviour is not refusing ice cream. The behaviour is shouting and knee-jerk refusal of things and it is incidental what she is refusing. It sounds very impulsive and probably not something she is able to logically think through otherwise she would probably be biting your arm off for ice cream.

If you were to take the "look at the cause" approach you probably wouldn't be looking at what caused her to no longer like ice cream, because you are aware that she does actually like ice cream. You would probably look at what caused her to be so shouty and oppositional. And so I think if you're taking a behaviourist response, that is what you ought to target too. I wrote a longer comment replying to someone else with a more detailed explanation.

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 14:17

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 13:36

But again what is that actually teaching her? That she's fine to ask for something after school but if her mum dares to offer something she's fine to completely fly off the handle?

It’s teaching her that at a time you know someone finds stressful it’s good to respect their boundaries.

the child is making it perfectly clear this is a time she struggles with so it’s reasonable for the adults to make very simple adjustments to avoid the trigger point.

IAmNeverThePerson · 21/06/2025 14:15

when you pick her up from school don’t ask her anything, talk to her or make eye contact. Just get her and go.

She clearly needs a few moments to decompress and has formed a habit of yelling at you to do so. Give her no ins to shrieking.

given she is generally well behaved and polite she will probably hate that she’s lost it as much as you do and it is just escalating.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:14

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:12

When someone is shouting and screaming at you I don't think you should be expected to be kind to them, I'm not saying you have to scream and shout back because obviously they're a child but if you're teaching them that they can shout and scream and be met with kindness I don't think that's a good lesson, or in any way realistic.

The words also aren't irrelevant in my opinion.

Also, to add, not allowing ice cream doesn't have to be in anger, op could be perfectly calm and matter of fact about it.