Affair reveal - how to tell him?

I'd keep my dignity rather than playing out some grubby reveal scene because his wife wants to shock her straying husband. There is nothing uplifting for you in going along with this scheme. Just block him on everything and move on. Personally, when I was single I always asked on the first date if they were married and whether they had any children and I can say the answers were sometimes illuminating.

The wife is just using you, don't be daft and get sucked into the drama.

Distance yourself from her and him. Dont forget she can turn on you in anger at any stage. There's probably an adrenaline rush at the moment but that can change,

As if it isn’t humiliating enough without playing any more part in their dishonest relationship. A big reveal is making fun of a very serious issue and it won’t end well for you. It’s their issue to sort out, not yours.
Your relationship with him was over the second you found out you were played by him. Have no more to do with them. You are the outsider. You can’t trust him to have your back and they may both turn on you.

Take time well away from them to reflect privately and get over the shock.
Walk right away now, with as much dignity and as little drama as possible. Keep your business to yourself.

Remember it’s none of your business how they go forward now.
Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into any of their aftermath problems as you would never come out of it looking good.
He has used you now she wants to use you too. There’s no way it could end well for you OP if you allow yourself to play a part in her revenge drama. Being the OW can never be a glorified part.

You owe them nothing but privacy and respect to sort it out how they want, that’s between them.
Don’t get caught up in any of it.
Be thankful that you now know and are no longer the OW.
It’s over.
Put it all behind you. No seedy reveal for you.

What would be 100 times better than a reveal would be for him to not understand what going on. She needs to gt ducks in a row wvidenfe of all finances and have divorce proceedings ready. U go radio silent on him, she ups and leaves. Or u go radio silent, break up if needed he will want consoling she can be distant and cold and divorce papers at the ready. Or another idea play him along u both start chatting about how u met a woman in some class or put shopping etc got talking u and her partner are like two peas in a pod we've exchanged numbers and got talking I've organized dinner for her and her husband her names (his wife's name) watch him squirm. Either way this rat to be honest I dont think would care about a "big reveal" hes stringing u both along showing he has no feelings or empathy so the only way you can both target him is financially

Oh and OP get an STI test, you probably aren’t the only one he’s slept with.

Agreed, they are not in Eastenders. If wife asks for screenshots send them, otherwise block and ignore them both.

I probably wouldn’t want to be involved in some theatrical reveal that will be thoroughly anticlimactic for both of you where you’ll be left with a devastated crying wife who wishes to trauma bond with you whilst you want to get the fuck out of there.

PS shes a high school friend from years ago, I only know this because she did a Facebook caption explaining the origins of the friendship on a picture of the third anniversary lunch so sadly I don't know many more details that that!

Why would you give him any more of your thoughts and head space? Do you really think doing something would actually be beneficial to anyone?

My friend was an accidental OW, there were actually 2 other OW as well! She was the first discovered and her and the wife made a WhatsApp group and found the other two and they all confronted him together.

They're all friends to this day (must be about 6+ years ago now), and have a lunch together on their reveal anniversary! Bonded over their shared scumbag, we love to see it.

Yes, that’s another risk.

If the wife is planning to end the marriage, I suggest the big reveal be that he comes home to an empty house. She can take her time and work with her solicitor to get the divorce set up and find a new place to live. Then one day while he is out she just leaves. No chance for him to throw a fit.

Maybe get a cake made and iced so that, when you cut into it, the words "you cheating twat" are baked into the sponge?

Idk, I've never been to one of the reveal parties.

I can imagine for that OW the moment the ‘reveal’ was over, and orchestrated dramatic effect achieved in a matter of moments, both the DW and the cheating DH would want the OW as far away from the kitchen table situation as possible. As in can you get out now please , you are surplus to requirements, get your coat and shut the door on your way out.

Utterly humiliating

What long-term outcome does she want, beyond the big reveal? I can see why she wants this emotionally but as PP have said, it may go badly. She needs to think about what she wants in the long run and the best way to achieve this.

There was another story on here about a woman who found out her husband was cheating. She didn't do a big reveal, just said she wanted to divorce, played it all amicably so she got the settlement she wanted, but kept a good relationship to the point where they agreed to send a joint email to their friends and family explaining they were divorcing. Then she edited the email before sending to add that they were divorcing because of his affair.

That wife thought about what she wanted and resisted the temptation for short-term satisfaction - but still got her reveal in the end.

Walk away and let the DW deal with his revolting behaviour.

if you really had no idea I imagine you are devasted and for that I’m truly sorry.

Work on healing yourself and let the cheating twat face the music with his DW in however she sees fit.

He will soon be aware she knows about you one way or another, you don’t need to be part of that and certainly don’t need to be there. I mean think about it seriously - how nuts would that be.

Focus on yourself as you have been cheated too.

And watch out next time for married lying dickheads who tell tall tales

All the best x

The older I get the less I want to involve myself in other people’s drama . I would just want to let them carry on coz I wouldn’t want to be dragged into it . Tell him you’re done and hold your head high .

On another thread a poster described a friend’s “reveal” where the husband came home to find his wife and mistress sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and laughing together. I can see how that could be satisfying (possibly for both of you). Especially if she has her ducks in a row and hands him the divorce papers and his stuff bagged up.

But the trouble with reveals like this is they may not go as planned. He might become violent, or just shake his head and refuse to engage (or leave). She may change in the stress of it all and turn on you as well as him. It’s very unpredictable.

Best advice for her would be to keep her cards close to her chest. You end things on your side and block on all platforms. She sees a solicitor. Gets everything arranged. And then just tell him it’s over. You could give her a channel to stay in touch so you can confirm anything she tells him about knowing about you if you want to. But you are a victim too in this. You don’t have to put yourself in a hugely uncomfortable situation if you don’t want to.

She can do a “big reveal” in whatever way she chooses, you’ve been inserted into their marriage quite enough. Time to step away and let them get on with it.

How long have you dated him? And how did he manage to hide having a wife?

I wouldn't get dragged into that mess at all. You honestly have no idea how either she or him will react at this 'big reveal'. And who'd want to be stuck there if it all kicks right off? 🙄

This - it’s her problem now.

Don’t be part of her revenge plans. Just walk away. She’ll probably take him back anyway.

I strongly advise against doing this until she's spoken with a lawyer

It all sounds a bit fucked up to be honest.