Affair reveal - how to tell him?

DP? not boyfriend? How long have you been together and how serious was it? did you live together?

I would walk away and let DW deal with it how she sees fit!

Brilliant!

Buy 2 fake positive pregnancy tests. Both message him at the same time with a photo of the test.
Both ask to meet up with him to discuss.. Likely he will meet the dw. But you arrive a little later..

You have been involved in their marriage for long enough, just stop now.
And maybe stop referring to him as "DP"

This will all go horribly wrong. Give her what she needs in terms of any screenshots or if you’d be willing to testify in a divorce court. If she wants to do a big reveal she can do so on her own without you.

She might want to publicly humiliate you, it could all be a trap.

If not, as PPs have said the situation could turn on a dime and end badly.

She is probably not engaging with all her feelings yet and neither are you. You have been betrayed but probably feel guilty. You don't need to this for her.

Good grief! Please don't say she plans to film his reaction for her social media too.

Steer clear. The camera may turn on you with the commentary about a scumbag OW.

BTW it's not a reveal - he already knows!

Steer clear. There’s nothing good that can come of it for you.

I was going to say be at theirs having a coffee with the wife and talking like besties when he gets home from work, but a party doing the same would be the nuclear option.

Sounds shite. Sort of fake crap you see on social media.

Get a hobby

Sounds like fun.

Arrange a big family and friends party and both be there when he arrives.

Even if it might be tempting it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Tell the wife that you want to move on with your life and forget about him. Stay dignified and you will never have any regrets.

Why? So he can tell everyone about his crazy ex wife and gf?

Yeah deffo help the wife gain all the evidence and ducks in a row.

perhaps just the simple invite to meal
and be there with the wife

He’s such a scumbag. Don’t give him any more of your time and headspace.

I would want nothing at all to do with that. I’d exit stage left immediately. In most cases I don’t think men have any intention of leaving their marriages so your going to have a front row seat to him dismissing you and focussing entirely in gaining his wife’s forgiveness. That’s not going to feel great.

Seems very clear to me- OP is calling him DP because up until now they’ve been in a relationship. Turns out he’s been married all along and she is the OW. Not sure what else she could explain better.

You are not the wife’s equal in this, they may well bond and blame you. Walk away with dignity while you still have it

There's absolutely no way I would want to get involved in anything like that. I've seen ppl recording affair reveals to then put on tiktok/Instagram. Is that the intention here?

Have her invite 'her new friend from the gym' over for dinner. Then you walk in with a bottle of wine. See how long it takes him to break.

It's for his wife to deal with and you just walk away and end it if that's what you are doing. You don't live in a soap opera so you don't have to do a grand gesture or an intervention

I'm a bit confused by this whole set up, and therefore I don't feel able to offer advice yet. @Accidentalotherwoman would you mind telling us how long his affair with you has been going on, and how you met, and what excuse did he give to you about never inviting you back to his place? Also, how did his wife find out about you? As you appear to live in roughly the same area as his wife, your boyfriend presumably never took you to local pubs or restaurants, didn't any of that make you even the slightest bit suspicious?

You, OP, and I are obviously very different people, as apart from all the things I mentioned above, my OP on this same subject would be totally different to yours, eg. mine would have started something like this:

"Can anyone offer me some very kind and gentle advice please, on how to move on from here, as I am devastated to have been told an hour ago that my DP, who I love, and liked so much, is actually married to someone else!

As if that couldn't get any worse, it was his DW that told me! I don't know how she found me, especially here at my home address, but I think that I was so shocked and heartbroken about the whole thing that I really couldn't take in much else of what she said.

She has left me her phone number on the back of an envelope, and scribbled, can I text her tomorrow to arrange another meet up - somewhere neutral - once I have got over this initial shock? But I don't think I will ever get over it, I had even been thinking that he might be the one... she has also asked me not to say anything to her DH if he contacts me tonight. I am not due to see him for a couple of days, but he usually rings me to say goodnight, so I think I will have to pretend to be asleep when he rings, as there is no way I could speak to him without crying and giving the "game" away.

So if anyone has any friendly advice, I would be very grateful. Many thanks in advance Mumsnetters."

Of course OP, I do realise that we all handle things differently, but you don't seem very upset at all - sorry, maybe you are just better than me at the whole "stiff upper lip" British thing. I do hope that you are coping ok?

Edited to make a correction.

Don’t give him any more of your time. He doesn’t deserve your attention and you don’t owe the wife anything. She is angry with him at the moment and wants to use you as part of her revenge. She is also trying to ensure things between you and him are over so that he can’t go skipping off to you.

Leave them both to it. Neither of them will be any good for you.

Schedule a coffee with him. Give wife all the details. Wife arrives 15mins after but see’s you both together and pretends she knows you as you used to [work together / go to the gym / hairdresser buddies] and wife asks husband how he knows her. But not getting angry, just let him squirm. So you can both see the lies he ties himself up in. Then you can ask him how he knows wife. Repeat.
If you keep it calm and like a coincidence he has no reason to leave. Because it’s just a perfectly innocent coffee - right!?

Is this a separated wife? Also you refer to him as partner so I take it you’ve been together a while. How can he still have a wife… barring the obvious. Can you explain better.