To leave my boyfriend over his golfing?

Golf aside I think talking to him till you're blue in the face about anything and he gives you lip service then nothing changes is your reason. He doesn't value you or the relationship. I hate the phrase but he gives off strong vibes of just wanting a mummy I can fuck. You take care of the home and you're there for him when he chooses. The rest of the time he is as free as a bird. That's not a relationship for you.

It's great to have a hobby but men particularly can get tunnel vision. I'm very glad I chose my husband who couldn't give a shit about golf or football.

My DH plays golf
Before kids he played 1 day at the weekend
I did my hobbies,went shopping, had lunch with the girls
When we had DC he played very early so was back by lunch
Now DC are late teens it’s all back to where it was pre DC
All absolutely fine by me, we are not joined at the hip and I enjoy a bit of time on my own
Bot if Op doesn’t fancy that then she should end the relationship

I don’t think golf is a bad sport. It’s outdoors, social, can generally be done locally and the risk of serious injury is low. But each round is a bit long. Golfers with young families tend to get up early and get out on the course by about 7.30am, so they can be back home to their families at a decent hour. Is he prepared to do that?

I was just relieved when my own DH gave up another time consuming and risky hobby. We never had a conversation about it but he gave up of his own accord when we had DC. He was without a hobby for quite a few years and, with a high-pressure job, definitely needs something to focus on at weekends. So golf is quite good all year round. And the chances of hospital visits or death are pretty low!

I suggest that it could be far, far worse, each for different reasons:

Hang gliding
Motorcycling
Rock climbing
Base jumping
Gaming
Sofa-surfing
Religion

There’s also just being a lazy so-and-so who doesn’t do anything and expects you to entertain him.

But it’s your life and at age twenty-seven (probably peak desirability for women in terms of when men want to settle down) you can definitely choose!

OP, what does he actually say when you discuss this?

The Friday evening golf would be annoying but out of interest what else would you be doing weekend mornings? My ex used to play golf every weekend but with early tee times and it would give me the chance to potter around, have a leisurely coffee and read. Sometimes he was back before I had even dressed.

This isn't about whether either of you is reasonable or unreasonable, it's about whether you're compatible - and you're not.

It's OK to be a fanatic about your hobby and to devote loads of time to it - whether that's golf or horses or painting or gardening or whatever.

And it's OK not to want to be in a relationship with someone who devotes that much time to their hobby.

OP is making the mistake of thinking he will change who he is just because she talks to him about it, instead of accepting that's who he is, that's not the sort of relationship she wants, and moving on to find someone who wants the same thing she does.

How many hours a week do you actually spend with him?
I think he just wants someone to pay half the mortgage/rent as he doesn’t want to spend any time with you.

you can leave a relationship at any time, you don’t need a “good” reason, you don’t need any reason at all. You don’t owe him a relationship. This housemates situation isn’t working for you, so end it.

Oh OP. Get rid. Sounds rubbish. You've got all your life ahead of you. Spend it with someone who wants to spend it with you.

I think the initial responses seem to have made up your mind to end the relationship and hope you meet a better man soon.

Then you have your answer.

If he's like this now and you've already asked him to be more considerate and he can't, then don't ever think of having kids with him. You'll be a single parent while he does what he wants.

I bet money on him begging for forgiveness when you say it's over.

Do you own the house is it rented?

Hi OP

There are loads of threads on here from women who had children with someone like this and regretted it. Their husband 'needs' this time for their mental health. They're left doing 100pc of the kids and house stuff. It never gets better as the kids then only want mum because they aren't used to their dad. And the mum never has any time to herself because a. The kids don't settle/ behave for their dad and b. If she did there would be no family time at all, given there is only a limited window when he is around. The resentment kills the relationship

You’re both very young. He’s clearly a sports fanatic and that’s how he wants to spend his time. What you don’t say is what you like doing with your time? Because clearly if it’s going for brunches and to the shops with your partner, it’s definitely not what he wants.

This won’t change and in some ways it should not as that would be the path to resentment. But you are a golf widow and need to decide if that’s the sort of man you want to be with.

What is problematic is if you’re picking up after him in the house - he must pull his weight there. And if you’re home alone waiting for him - you have to nurture your own life and interests.

Does seem as if you're there to share bills, and provide sex and household services between the rugby, the cricket. the golf and drinking with his mates. Plus he could take up cycling at any moment.

Nothing wrong with having a hobby but there needs to be a balance. It sounds like he enjoys playing golf more than he enjoys being with you. I'd dump...he won't change.

He behaves as a single man, and wants a single life but with you conveniently as back up. You’ve spoken to him, but it’s clear his friends are more important.
I’d end this now.

And I was just about to say the same…

@Thepanicyears - if you want to save yourself a lifetime of disappointment and resentment, you know what to do!

I divorced my ex-husband because of his obsession with his sport (cricket, then golf,two club memberships for the golf) and all consuming job. I eventually realised through therapy that he was using golf and his job to avoid me, it wouldn't have got any better even if he'd given it up. He was emotionally unavailable and very passive aggressive. Not husband or father material. Is your boyfriend the same? Mine liked having 'someone at home'. I can't believe the arrogance of him.

I was your age when we married. I wasted the best years of my life waiting for him. I would advise you to leave.

More & more females take part every year in v.time consuming sport e.g. golf, hiking, cycling, endurance events - its healthy, gets them out of the house (nb much less housework) and often rewarding with friendships & social events. Some may not so enamoured of the idea, infact might be totally scared off at 27 & childless, at the thought of staying at home, doing housework, pondering how it all needs to be given up when kids arrive, socials restricted to family events with the lure of plumped up cushions, great TV, reading books & paying off your mortgage early - infact many on here might tell those young 27 sporty, living life females to run ....and don't stop. You may not be suited and have different life objectives but he's not a loser either

@VickyEadieofThigh oh absolutely and the sport is just one element of it - DH had always pulled his weight round the house, been hugely supportive of my career and generally a pretty 50/50 partner. He also knew having DC would require him (us) to change lifestyle massively, so we waited until we felt ready to change.
Now DC are older we are actually moving somewhat back to our previous lifestyle - he’s getting more involved at the cricket club and squeezing golf games in, I’m back to getting up at the crack of dawn to drive pony and child halfway across the county to trot round an arena for 4 minutes 🤣

It's a massive risk, though - isn't it?

Get out now. He's steadily increasing the time he doesn't spend with you. That not a healthy, committed relationship.

This is our life! Luckily DH not interested in competitions, and doesn't stay for drinks afterwards.

I do love a roadtrip challenge, and planning US trips (in the non-Trump years) around golf clubs is always fun.

In our 20s, DH played cricket in the summer, hockey in the winter and golf every other Sunday. I had horses 😊
Then we bought a house, got married and had DC. He has played 3 rounds of golf in 10 years, he gave up hockey, unfortunately cricket persists but only 1 game per week. Some men don’t change but some do!

I'm 22 years into a relationship with someone who has an all-consuming sporting hobby. We live where we live due to his hobby. I could not continue my career properly due to the fact my career was London-based and the commute was ridiculous. We have 2 Dcs one of whom has significant SEN and I am most definitely the primary parent but in the past 5 years or so he has stepped up to that.

Won't lie- I have had several episodes of deep and overwhelming resentment over all of this. I have thought I would leave also several times- but realised that if I left him I would see him even less . Now I am in an easy state about it in that i have my own hobbies now the Dcs are older and I often take them on holidays without DH. He has to come on our big annual holiday, no arguments, but other than that I take the Dcs myself. DH does not like holidays very much and for me they are everything, so I do what I need to do. DH also realises how much we give up for his hobby and he takes care to honour that now and appreciate that and so he will 'make up' for it in various ways. He is very vocal about how much he appreciates that we live where we live, that he is able to do his thing at weekends etc and that in the past (he is now retired) his annual leave was largely hobby-based.

My take on it- It's not ideal. While I am happy now and content and we have a content family life, if DH being around more and doing more with me was a deal-breaking issue then I would have left years ago. We have worked out a situation that now works for us but that took some hard years to get to.

I think only you can decide if it is worth it. For me, yes I think it was worth it. But that's me and my situation. If your partner is not going to step up in any way and prioritise you and potential children then don't goo into that without being clear headed about it.

Good luck!

Thats passive aggressive behaviour and not a good sign for the future if this is how he chooses to address issues in your relationship.