MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

If you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, I think you need to let this go. The co-parenting relationship can be difficult, and he could see this as you criticising his mother, not him, and get very defensive.

You do need to think about some non-negotiables for you though, and discuss with him - for me it was corporal punishment and ear piercing.

It's really hard when your child is out of the country with their other parent, as a PP said, this is possibly making it seem worse. She'll be home soon!

People want men to step up and parent and be more of a sperm donor yet when they do something the mother doesn't want it is 'the child is mine'

This is how you end up in court

I could not get worked up over this, a haircut is not a milestone. Maybe your more upset then you would be if it had happened at home becuase you’re missing her?

Did she just trim the sides a bit where her hair was falling into her mouth or eyes, your mil shouldn't have done it unless dh gave her permission, what did dh say

This. Also, I think people vastly overestimate (1) how charming their children’s messy hair is and (2) how much of a milestone a haircut is.

Curly hair needs a lot of care, stating you don’t do much with it and it’s a wild tangle suggests it isn’t be cared for appropriately, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a trim was needed to remove bits that are too tangled to brush when wet.

Then don’t have a baby with someone who has family overseas and then have a healthy enough relationship with them that you want your child to benefit from seeing their extended family.

Cut it a bit is nowhere near having a full hair cut, if it’s wild like you say, it was probably trimmed to help manage it. My MIL took it on herself to take both my boys to get their first proper Clark’s shoes, although I appreciated her buying them, I was a bit put out but didn’t say anything.

You didn't even notice it and your ex had to point it out to you so it's hardly the drama some posters are trying to turn it into. Based on your vague answer, I think it's highly unlikely you would have consulted your ex if you'd decided to trim her hair. I think you are more upset because it had dawned on you your DD has another parent who is allowed to make decisions about her care.

A (presumably amateurish) hack at the sides of curly hair sounds like she's going to look like she's been run over by a lawnmower when you actually see it IRL.

Save yourself until then. Your argument is that you can't "just neaten" curly hair and you'd like to come to an agreement with him about her hair. Firstly it needs to grow.

Make it about MIL overstepping, or a first haircut being a milestone, and you lose the argument. (Though I'm with you on both counts.)

Your MIL didn’t just go off and do it though - your DC was in the care of a parent who gave permission.

It would piss me off. But at least it will grow back, potentially thicker ?
But You need to ensure there will be no ear piercing without your permission !

My MIL did this too! My husband and I were away on holiday, tbf, so she was doing us an enormous favour. I was briefly devastated but my daughter looked so cute with a fringe (and was better able to see!) that I got over it eventually. Now it's just a funny MIL story.

I don’t think it was deliberate probably more that by 3 years old your MIL and probably ex assumed she’s already had loads of haircuts. Is she lives abroad she misses out on so much anyway how would she know? Most kids including mine have haircuts in the kitchen by mum for years as not needed for a proper style.

don’t make your ex walk on egg shells thinking what he is or isn’t allowed to do. It’s not like he’s giving her prime for breakfast! Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be if he had to phone you for permission before doing normal daily activities?

Sounds like she’s just given it a little trim to tidy it up - and you didn’t even notice it to start with so it can’t be that bad!

For me, it would really depend on whether grandma was a hairdresser and knew what she was doing or not on how annoyed I’d be. If it looked shit I’d be very pissed off. If she legit did a good job and my child was happy I’d let it go.

How does her hair actually look, OP? Assuming your MIL hasn't butchered her, I'd let it go. But you would not be unreasonable to politely request that they do not do anything like that again without checking with you first.

My two year old also has curly hair that grows in all directions, and she had a little trim which actually helped her curls pop.

This exact thing happened to me. I was raging at the time but I think that was because it was just another thing in a long line of MIL trouncing all over boundaries.

My DS is 18 now, it’s long in the past & doesn’t bother me a bit but that’s the benefit of water under the bridge & the fact that she has zero impact on my life anymore.

I can understand why you're upset, but her dad is as much her parent as you are. His mum did it with his knowledge and permission. He should have spoken to you first, but I wonder if you actually would have spoken to him first before doing this yourself? The fact that you're not even sure yourself is quite telling.

People are really over-invested in their children's hair.

I don't know when mine got their first haircuts. Or who did it. You can choose to consider it a big milestone and something you've missed out on or you can choose to let it go and realise it's not important

First big milestone ? I have absolutely no recollection of DDs first haircut - I think you are a big overreacting

A lot depends on other things. Are they normal? Is the child well cared for? Is relationship with ex good? How often are they with MIL ex.

Have a chat but choose the battles.

Reading your message reminded me of a conversation with our next door neighbour.
She is in her late 60’s and has a rocky relationship with her DIL. Once she told me that their latest fall out was because she hadn’t used a car seat for her grandson who was 2 at the time. Reason being that her car was considered a classic and therefore seatbelts etc aren’t required. As a newish mum myself, I did point out that it’s about keeping him safe and not the legal exemptions for her age of car.
It’s one of many infuriating conversations I’ve had with this woman over the years. How DIL puts up with her I have no idea!

Wild gorgeous tangle is code for bit of a mess.

she’s with her dad. They neatened it up. It’s hair, it grows back. I agree with others that this isn’t a big deal.

by your own admission, you say you think you would have checked with dad first but you’re not sure, so you can’t really complain he didn’t check with you.