MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

It's massively inconsiderate but at least it seems to have been done neatly.

My MIL decided to cut DS1s hair which had never been cut. It looked like it had been hacked with a butchers knife. I was horrified. I had to get the clippers out and give him a grade 4 buzz cut to make it look OK again.

Oh goodness - didnt spot he was an ex.

Even worse this will be about ownership and territory marking by xMIL who lives abroad and obviously out of the day to day life of her DGD.

It's so inconsiderate to do this but it's surprisingly common.

It's even more rude because although so many think it's not a big deal I'm sure that they also know that for others it's a very big deal, and they go ahead anyway.

No dont. Your feelings are valid - they are about being protective and you experiencing an intrusion, take-over, control and an underhand criticism of your ways.

My MIL was obsessed with her mobile hairdresser and wanted her to cut my 4 year olds hair - I made excuses for ages and relented. My 4 year old had a gorgeous side parting fringeless bob which had taken years to perfect. I agreed to a trim and made it very clear to her 'no fringe' (she has a round face) - my DH took her over and you can guess what happened - this hideous bulky fringe chopped in. I was viserally upset. My MIL was a narc and this was about control.

Your feelings are valid and your boundaries reflect this.

It wouldn't bother me, and I think it would be unfair to make a big deal of it unless you had previously clearly stated that you intended to make a ceremony of her first haircut, because not everybody does.

My mum gave my son his first cut. I didn’t care. Didn’t realise it was something to get upset about

Lack of consideration to who? The Mum. Yet again a mum putting their feelings first in a situation that involves their child.

The only consideration in this situation should be for this child who the OP openly admitted had hair that was a wild tangle. That’s not ok and is verging on neglect.

The child in question has TWO parents who can make decisions for them and this child clearly needed a haircut to help managed their hair and stop them looking unkept.

Where does your angle on this end. Should the father never cut his child’s toe nails if they’re over grown and unkept because he hasn’t got permission from the child’s mum?

Should he not bathe the child if she was unwashed and unkept because he hadn’t got permission from the child’s mum?

The child in question needed their hair seen to and the mum clearly wasn’t going to do it.

The child wasn’t taken to get a tattoo or a piercing. It’s a haircut.

Nope wouldn't bother me 2 out of my 4 had there first cut with there father and unarranged and that's his right to. Besides there's bigger deals to figure in life than making a scene over something small

You are not being unreasonable. My granddaughter who’s three, my daughter’s child, has lovely curly hair, but I feel it needs a bit of a trim but would not dream of even mentioning it! Certainly not cutting it without my daughter’s permission. She would be so upset. I mean actually heartbroken.

That would irritate me too but if you go in all guns blazing because you will seem like you are overreacting.

If he were my DH I’d send a message to MIL like “hi looks like you are all having a wonderful time! just wanted to say please don’t cut any more of her hair off because we have been waiting for it to grow past the short/ messy curls stage so we can style it better. I know it can look chaotic at the moment but as soon as it grows out a bit more it will be more under control. Looking forward to seeing you when you’re back!”

HOWEVER, since he’s an ex maybe you just need to let it go. Unfortunately it’s part of co-parenting that you can’t control what happens on the other parent’s time. I wonder if this is also part of the bigger picture which you are struggling with?

Why?
what happens when the OP wants a summary holiday abroad, does the ex have to come along, he is also the child’s parent

If you leave it in a tangle, she might have had to cut it to get mats out! I have curly hair - it needs looking after properly, a good conditioner and finger-combing as it dries will stop tangling while not breaking up the curls into frizz. I recommend Aussie 100 hours hydration serum just on the ends while it's still damp - look out for it being on a three for two offer in the supermarket as it's sometimes priced ridiculously on its own.

How is a child’s parents taking the decision to get their haircut because it is tangled anx messy an over step?

If anything the OP leaving her daughter’s hair to get into such a “wild tangle” is neglect. Curly hair needs properly caring for.

Women moan that men are useless Dads and then also moan when they step up and actually parent the child! Children are not objects that you possess. The OP is acting like a 5 year old who’s Dolly was stolen and had their hair chopped off.

The child in question is a living human being who deserves the right to have dignity to not be walking round looking like they’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. The child in question has TWO parents who should both be equally able of making decisions for the child’s autonomy.

^^ 100% this , it’s certain that the OP wouldn’t wouldn’t checked with her Ex about this, or any other made up bullshit “milestone”, so why does he need to check ?

A father asking his mum to give his DD’s wild hair a trim isn’t a ‘total overstep’. It’s called making a parenting decision for the benefit of a child. Little kids with longer wild hair in the heat just end up in a sweaty mess. No matter how cute they may look.

I think you are being unreasonable. You and her sad aren't together. I imagine there are lots of first that he has missed. My H and I are together and he missed loots of firsts as well because he was working. He dad got her hair cut. It doesn't matter that EX mil did it. He's her dad and he agreed. He get to make decisions for DD justice you do. He probably didn't even realise it'd her first hair cut or that you'd be bothered by it.

Totally get it. I would be put out. I’m surprised they didn’t consider that. Not much point in saying anything

It was the MIL who did it.

It’s not ‘contact time’ it’s a parent parenting.

I would have hit the roof. It’s a total overstep and I would have been furious.

A wild gorgeous tangle? Come on now, I know she’s your daughter and you’re biased but a wild tangle isn’t gorgeous. If she has curly hair you need to be looking after it properly.

Washing, heavy conditioning and brushing through and then using specific products to maintain her curls so they don’t become a “wild tangle”

she probably looks better for having it tidied up. It’s a haircut, she didn’t take her to get her nose pierced.

Your child has two parents, that means her father can make decisions for her wellbeing as well as you. Ask yourself if you would let her father know that you were taking her to get her hair cut….the answer is no you wouldn’t. You don’t own your child and the haircut has probably done her a favour. Look after your child’s hair and don’t let it become a “wild tangle”

I would be pissed off. My daughter has a natural side parting so I never gave her a fringe. When she was 3 her hair was a bit annoying cos it got in her face a bit as I was growing it so it would be able to tuck behind her ears. It was only like it for a few months. I spent those few months on high alert in case my mil or worse, fil cut her a stupid fringe when she was at their house. Luckily they never did but it was a real fear of mine. Instead as soon as my back was turned mil would put my daughters hair in a high ponytail, the sort my daughter hated

Could be worse. My MIL butchered all 3 of my son's hair on the morning of our wedding & I had no idea till we got to the venue & they'd all got fridges half way up their foreheads & the 3yr looked like he'd been given a short bob 😂

I remember when I bought my friends daughter a coat, she was about 18 months old and my friend went loopy saying it was a milestone and she should be the one etc. we are not friends now but all these milestones seem nuts to me. However, with curly hair, you really need a hairdresser who knows their stuff so I would not be ok with this.

Why is it not acceptable? Is a father not allowed to get his child’s hair cut? Is it just a mother’s role? I really cannot understand this obsession with hair - it grows. It needs cutting. Fathers can make decisions as to when that happens.