MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

The child didn’t need to get haircut in short time they’re away. And hair is NOT the same as toe nails. Or washing.

you’re being deliberately disingenuous to suggest this.

hair is part of people’s, even children’s, self perception and identity. Their appearance is defined by it as much as height, colour of eye. People don’t cry when they loose a toenails…they certainly get very distressed if haircuts get wrong o4 god forbid they are affected by hair loss.

the dad here sounds in frequent contact with mum. If he was so bothered by daughter’s hair he should have discussed and done something before he went away on hols. It is MORE than a coincidence thst this haircut was done by his mother when on a short holiday.

it’s not about child’s parents having rights, it’s about MIL stepping over a boundary the mum sees, and most mums would think is so blinking obvious they don’t need to spell out.

I have grandchildren, GDs (18 months) hair is growling more on one side, very fine and sparse still and flaps into face. But her mum (DIL) likes to clip it back with little bows and clips. I have the decency and respect to keep my gob shut that I think it’s daft, and I would never dream to cut it or trim it whilst she was in my care. How can any mum or mil have the entitlement to do that.

and sorry, in most marraiges/partnerships it’s mums who make decisions about haircut timing by default until kids, specially daughters, reach teenage years (when some rarer dads suddenly start to obsess over daughter moving away form their pretty princess styles)

it’s not the same as washing, or toenails. If it is to you that’s fine ..maybe you don’t go to hairdresser, or don’t care about your hair..but most people do. Even men.

The most important point is, was having a first haircut a big deal for the child. No, they did not think “Wow I’ve just had my first haircut what a huge deal.”

The only person thinking that was the Mum and therefore she’s putting her own feelings first in this situation and is kicking off because SHE feels a certain way about this situation.

If she was putting her child’s feelings and wellbeing first, her reaction would be “well that’s great she got a haircut because it was looking a bit messy and tangled.”

The child’s well being comes first not the mother’s feelings of thinking the child is her possession and the Father is just someone she’s lending the child out to. This child has two parents who can make decisions for her wellbeing. The mum doesn’t need to sign off every tiny action just like the mum wouldn’t think twice about buying the child’s first pair of shoes or anything else they saw as a “milestone” without asking the father.

My MUL would have done this if I'd not been with DH 15 years when she was born because she used to be extremely controlling but now she knows I don't put up with any nonsense
Curly hair really needs a hairdresser with curly hair skills so it sits and falls correctly, tell her to keep away as you'll be paying for a professional cut

But you are still married to him and that makes all the difference

this is an ex MiL and the Dad was there - co-parenting is a tricky thing to navigate none more so than decisions like this.

things such as haircuts shouldn’t be joint decisions because it over complicates things and is a small decision. Joint decisions need to be about big things such as schools.

there is every chance that the Dad didn’t realise it would be the first haircut and it made sense. Because the chances are he does default to his mother on his time and that is actually his right

so the question is was there any discussion about a first haircut

Come on. You would have just cut it and not thought to say anything.

I think it's a huge overreaction - but then, I don't consider first haircuts as a 'milestone'. That made me cringe. 🙈

Yep, I think this is a MIL boundary thing…if dad had been fed up with DD hair and asked mil to trim it a little to ensure he could manage it on hols, that’s one thing..still a bit of a “meh” , and he should just have checked in with mum too before, or better sorted it out before he left with mums input. but this seems like a overreach by MIL. Definitely in realms of “claiming” authority of child over mum

If I was married even and mil did this whilst my kid was on hols with her for just a few days, I’d see it as something unacceptable and be furious. It’s not mild job to change kids hair, even if it does always grows back. Hair is something different, not like changing clothes or cutting nails. And it’s never an emergency unless it gets glue in or something. It’s part of someone’s identity, children themselves also need a reasonable say in this when they’re old enough to express it…like saying if they want longer or shorter hair. I was forced to have short hair as a child and was made fun of at school…it’s not on even for parents to not take into account others views on hair. My own youngest hated short hair (boy) so it was longer (acceptable to school) right up till early teens when he decided to go proper short

however it’s done. I think op needs to sit amicably with dh when he gets back and agree to some rules about things like these including future haircuts, any body changes like piercings, going to doctors for routine stuff, behaviour stuff, (vs emergencies when parents should have plan in place anyway for contacting each other immediately) etc etc. all the small shit that maybe op assumes is her domain as it often falls on mums in marriages/partnerships to do this. But becuase of the separation there needs to be more comms.

and that includes a don’t ever either of your mums or dads or any relative make any body changes to our child . it is something they as parents handle only. And agree between them that in future they will discuss up front about who does anything that is needed (eg which hairdresser going to, mum or dad doing it themselves etc) . Op certainly needs to be discussing future haircuts and offering him accompanying as well if she sees as big thing. He has that right too if she considers it a milestone to acknowledge he may too. Once kids style settled on then just agree who takes and when, and any future changes to style as per DD input.

I see it as the xMIL taking control.

I told my MIL directly 'no fringe' - my DH wasnt there - he dropped her off for the afternoon with her DGM.

In my case it was absolutely a controlling and boundary pushing incident.

My DD is 24 next month and I have been on MN since day 1. There have been many many threads over the years of both MIL and DMs overstepping and doing this and causing great shock and distress to the childs parents. Do a search its common and hurtful and always done by CFs.

How is your relationship with ex and his family? Do you think this was done to spite you or did they just not see it as a big deal?

I’m generally a very sentimental person, but I have never really cared about first haircuts etc. I can see that someone else might not realise the importance others may place on it. Are they British (as I’m assuming you are) or is your ex’s family from a different country? Perhaps it’s not something they’ve ever come across as being a big thing in their own culture?

I wouldn’t be annoyed at missing their first hair cut, but I can see myself feeling angry if I felt it was done with bad intentions. But there’s every chance it was done in innocence.

@okydokethen there is very much a point to mention it because op will have years of this
If her ex is weak and has a domineering over bearing mother.
Usually the two go hand in hand.

Op can just say I loved nt daughters curls it's not for you to decide what's messy or not different generations have different ideas pleaae do not take such decisions upon yourself again.... Obviously to mil. Seeing as ex was a bystander.

Make it clear to ex he needs to manage mum

Some responses are hilarious.

They are not taking into account a mil stepping into a child's mother's role because they are demanding something and their son worn down by years of demanding just goes along with it

Had the op said. my partner took dd away and decided tk cut her hair... whilst upsetting there is little issue as long as it was nt dramatic.

This isn't the child father making this descion it's the child's grandmother.

She had no right to do this and it's territorial.

She should have asked first.

I would have been heart broken - it’s not a big deal to anyone else but as a mum that will hurt.

As a woman I suspect MIL will know this. There’s no point in saying anything except for that you were sad to miss it.

I understand why you are upset but did your mil know she had never had a haircut? She may not have realised.

This is madness.

The child was with one of their parents who obviously gave the ok for his own mother to give her Grandchild a well needed haircut.

Your child is not your possessions. They have two parents who are capable of making decisions for them around their well being and autonomy.

The OP said their child’s hair was a wild tangle. Why is it so insane that the child’s father would want to sort this out?

If you as a mother wouldn’t let your child’s other parent know before you got their hair cut why should the father do the same?

You saying that by the father doing this is “taking over ans controlling” shows that you see a child as your possession and not equally the mother and fathers joint child.

@MummaMummaMumma o never ever understand how any one can have such confidence (arrogance) to decide what they think looks good trumps over someone else's taste when it's a parent.

Op likes her child's curls they don't last long they are beautiful op likes them
It's simply not for anyone else to decide she's messy or needs a trim. Unless it was in her eyes, no

You are in a relationship where your daughter can be taken away from you for 8 days to another country.

A lot of posters would be shaking their heads at that. It's inevitable that the MIL assumes she is loco parentis in this situation.

Also, as a pp has mentioned , 'wild gorgeous tangle' may have become unmanageable and annoying to both child and those looking after them.

"I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it."

I bet she knew exactly how big a deal it was.

I can see why you are annoyed. Obviously not cutting her hair meant a great deal to you but they are acting like you let it grow as you could not be bothered to get it cut

@Soontobe60 yes but unfortunately many sons can't seem to parent without mum, mil..

At 3 her hair would look so much better with a little trim.
Does he even know it has never, ever been cut? Or how you felt about it being done with you?
If it's just a trim he probably didn't think it'd be a big deal.

My mother, who was normally a rational person, was for some reason obsessed with my hair. She had straight, very thin hair, while I have thick wavy hair, so I think she lived a little bit through my hair. She did get me a haircut until I was way to old and really needed one because she loved it long. Growing up I had a lot of feelings like I always had to make sure hair was up to her standards. In the end not a big deal and I eventually got over it, but I would recommend not getting to attached to her hair.

YANBU to be quietly gutted about it, your feelings are valid.

Unfortunately as you obviously already know, it is just one of those things you can’t demand.

It sounds like you have a good approach to coparenting, wanting to be amicable and collaborative. So approaching it gently without anger is going to be your best move. I’m glad to hear it doesn’t sound like it was done with malice.

I love how thoroughly dismissive people are about this, many of whom would hit the fucking roof If their husbands came back from MILs with their child having had their first haircut having not discussed it. I guess the subtext there is that because you’ve separated you have no rights to even feel sad about stuff like this.

I wouldn't take it as a MIL issue here. She was with one of the parents, not making decisions on her own.

Just tell your ex nicely. No need to go into a huge fight, say it was a nice idea but because it's a milestone for you, you would have preferred to be around.

What are milestones for you are non-events for others, and there will be many to come, it's the problem with co-parenting.

Her dad supervised a haircut. What’s the problem?

I could have written a near identical post, only difference is my husband and I are still together. My in laws live in Europe and would kindly have our kids for a week every summer. MIL cut my daughter’s hair, cut her lovely curls very short. I cried, didn’t say anything but still 23 years later I look at photos and can remember how upset I was. I got over it, her hair grew and now I think it’s funny what little things can upset you when they’re young. Wait for the teenage years, they are much more upsetting firsts then.🤣🤣

Let it go. Not worth the agro. And as you described it as a wild tangle growing in all directions, she probably needed it.