MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

Honestly not every first is in anyway significant. Your daughter is not going to be upset by you not being there for the first. Nor will it bare any significance to all the other firsts coming up. Let it go and pick your battles in life.

What a load of absolute tripe
, kids getting their hair trimmed is absolute non event , the father was there present and clearly a parenting choice was made, not every little choice needed to be agreed on , you and these parents are not married

I’d be pissed off too, but why shouldn’t a dad have his child’s hair cut? Would you ask his permission before you got her hair cut?

Men really can’t win. Women moan that men don’t parent enough and everything is left down to them yet when the men do parent they’re told they’re out of order and should have checked with the mother first.

and yes I am a woman!

But MIL presumably checked with the child’s father if it was ok. Why does it need to go through the mother. Both parents can make these decisions.

I doubt the mother runs every decision through the father when it’s her time solo parenting. It works both ways.

Then you need to actually discuss what each of you consider to be a first.

Unless first haircut is a social/religious event it really doesn’t matter much - its not worth making a big deal of if you have a good working relationship with your ex. You won’t both see every little first and nor will you agree on which firsts matter. Many of the “firsts” will be forgotten in years to come and barely noticed on the next children if you have them.

In 10 and 20 years time you will honestly wonder why you thought it mattered.

It's a milestone for you but not your DD, she won't remember.
When she is 5 take her to the hairdressers and make a new milestone for the both of you.

If she knew it was a first haircut it's not on and YANBU to be upset. However at 3 years old there's a decent chance she had no idea it was the first cut?

It might be worth visiting a hairdresser with her to get a small tidy up and you can keep a little ringlet of her hair. I have relatives who have been attached to their kids hair and the kids were so straggly and scruffy, they looked brilliant after a little even out by the hairdresser.

Ps this isn't to minimise your feelings now, but in a couple of years you'll look back and this won't feel like a big issue like it does now.

Issue as MIL didn’t check if you minded
That's only an issue if she also didn't check with her son who was right there. And there's no suggestion she didn't. I wouldn't expect MIL to check with me about something as unimportant as a haircut if DH was right there any more than I'd expect my mum to check with DH if I was right there.

I'd wager a lot of those saying OP is right to be pissed off that she wasn't consulted wouldn't be saying the same if OP was the father and it was the child's maternal grandmother who had done the trim.

Sounds like it wasn’t even a hair cut. Her Granny just took a bit off the sides to even it up.

Coparenting is hard. Don’t make things unnecessarily contentious by making a fuss over something like this. He’s her Daddy and can make such a minor decision as allowing Granny to cut a little bit off the sides of her hair without needing clearance. It’s actually very lovely of them to arrange video calls with you during their holiday. Many coparents would love such a wonderful relationship with their ex and his parents.

It’s both an issue and a non issue.
Non-issue as the child won’t be bothered and it will grow back.
Issue as MIL didn’t check if you minded, you like her long hair and you wanted to decide when she has her first haircut.
Now you know about this, you’re prepared with what to say prior to future visits.

@DangleDonkeyIt is not ideal and id also be annoyed, what I would do is have a friendly chat with him when he is back & say that any 1st things like this id like to be discussed first and same from you. I wouldn't be too harsh as to keep the peace.

Take her to a child salon (if one near you) they do a 1st cut experience and usually a nice child friendly environment! Like others said I wouldn't count this one as a proper haircut.

Sorry have just seen he is your ex-DH. Same advice though, if not even more need to accept certain things you cannot control when the other parent is solo parenting.

You're not unreasonable to be upset about missing a first in your child's life but you are being unreasonable to be in any way annoyed with ex and his mum. He is her parent too so can make decisions about her hair. If this hadn't happened would you have discussed cutting her hair with him when the moment eventually happened?

YANBU to feel upset about this. I think most would and it happened to my Dsis with her MIL and it still gets brought up (but now only when we are reminiscing and having a laugh about all the crazy stuff her mil did, not in a sad or cross way).

However, I think you should make your peace with it. Talk to DH when he gets back and explain how you felt and that in future should similar circumstances come up you would like to be consulted. Tell yourself, it was just a home-trim and First Haircut in the salon is still pending. Your DD is hopefully having a lovely bonding experience with DHs family. Consider that if you are missing her this may be causing you to emotionally overreact a bit?

OP hasn’t said anything about Dad not being involved with the haircut. Only that it happened during Dads time parenting his child. Therefore presumably Dad gave the Ok for his mum to cut the child’s hair.

This happened to me! My daughter was 1 and MIL was having her for us for a couple of hours. She cut it and when I asked what she'd done with the hair she said that she just let it blow away in the wind. I suspect that she kept it.
Both my ex and his mum were really abusive towards me however, on this occasion I did speak up.
Solidarity because I'm still upset about it and my daughter is 11!

@DaisyChain505 tell that's to ops ex mum who has made the descion for them all by perhaps feeling she owns her son

A good co parenting relationship is hugely important - so I’d let it go.

Agree with this point - but do not let it go. Discuss your feelings and ask for this to be discussed. I suspect he told you over the FT because he knew you wouldnt be happy and it was easier for him than F2F later. I also suspect the MIL just got stuck probably telling him what she was doing rather than asking him.

You dont need to have a big snotty screaming rage with them - but an assertive calm expression of preference for prior discussion will be better for the future.

Op also openly admitted that her child’s hair was a wild tangled mess. This isn’t caring for her curls properly and if it hadn’t been cut and maintained it could have lead to big matted lumps meaning even more hair needed cutting out.

and you saying it’s simply not up to anyone else to decide if it needs cutting….that child has two parents meaning there are two decision makers. Mothers don’t own their children, they are not possessions that they lend out to the fathers.

First thing I’d have asked, did they save the ‘baby’ hair for you? I’d have been livid otherwise!

Absolutely this, would you have called him and gone together or invited him over for all the firsts that are going to happen?

I get why you’re miffed. But he didn’t deliberately do it. His mother quite probably didn’t know she’d never had a hair cut before and didn’t think it was a big deal either. A good co parenting relationship is hugely important - so I’d let it go.

She also didn't scalp her.

OP, I get why you’re upset now, in the moment, but don’t make a big thing out of this. Co-parenting is difficult, you have a long road ahead and you need to pick your battles. Maybe a little word that you’d have liked to have been consulted but nothing more.

I know that all these “firsts” seem big now but trust me, you don’t remember them as they get older. I have teenagers and I honestly can’t remember my kids first hair cut, their first steps, not even my DS2’s first word. I’m now in the stage of remembering the first time they came home plastered! Hopefully, I’ll forget that too soon!