MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

Not necessarily. My mum was very good at cutting curly hair and she wasn't a hairdresser.

In some countries seat belts in cars before a certain year are actually illegal. Don't know why though. I know you can't have them in vintage cars in New Zealand.

Your feelings are actually perfectly normal and your not the first to feel this way. It's actually an issue that is quite often put into parenting orders. The reality is though your daughter has 2 parents and this is probably the first time this has really hit you hard. Luckily it's just hair and it will grow back. Like other posters have said though. Might pay to have a chat with ex about things like haircuts and ear piercing for the future.

Yeah, I'd be furious. Specifically because it's a haircut. That's a big deal to me.

I need to analyse why - but that won't change the fact that I'd be as upset as you are.

In that case op it's imperative that you explain this to her and him.
It's even worse than I thought

I'm a grandmother and this is awful. I am still aghast at my own Mum putting blonde streaks through my 7 year olds hair when I left her there for the day, way back in the 2000s.

Some grandmother's just forget that it's not their child.

Did it look a bit of a mess Op and that’s why she did it?

Putting the wishes and preferences of his mum before mine has been an issue before and contributed to our break up, is definitely a sore point and is definitely present in my reaction to this situation.

I suspected she is a tricky character and this is not an unusal dynamic and outcome for realtionships.

Likely he was brough up with an overbearing mother that he didnt dare stand up to .... so he subconsciously holds resentment and anger inside which gets projected onto you as he dare not be assertive with her. He can then in his own mind blame you for daring to have feelings and expressing those feelings. When one represses the other expresses. But these types of men throw their wives and partners under the bus all the time instead of dealing with their mother directly as they have unresolved issues and see any expression of emotion or need as risky conflict. Basically he's emotionally a fightened little boy who grew up with a volatile parent and learnt not to rock the boat - but this is unsustainable so he kicks out at you instead.

Keep speaking up, calmly and assertively.

I doubt that to be honest - I bet you make decisions every day, about youe daughter, without consultung him. How could you not?
I also think responses to your OP will be affected by mentioning MIL.

She’s 3 with tangled hair which grows in all directions. It’s possible that they didn’t realise it was a first cut and b) they were having trouble combing it and thought a trim might help. It’s not a big deal and it sounds like it needed a trim anyway. Matted messy baby curls aren’t particularly cute they just look a mess and most children will have had at least a bit of a tidy up by 3

But it’s her 1st haircut. Not her 3rd or 72nd.
It’s a milestone.
My husband and I parent jointly. My husband couldn’t come along to my son’s first haircut but he enjoyed the video I took because it was special for him.
It’s a big deal for most parents and I would expect any Father / Mother / Grandparent to understand that.
It also sets a trend for what may come in the future. What else is OP not going to be involved in?
A phonecall, out of courtesy, before hacking precious baby curls, wouldn’t have been too much to ask imo.

This is the thing, the child has 2 equal parents and one parent was there and have permission. Presumably OP is allowed to make decisions when her exH is not there so it works both ways. I can still see why she’s annoyed but unfortunately that’s just the way it is. Posters saying ‘8 days is so long’ why? She’s with her parent.

Yep - not on. You’re absolutely justified in feeling a bit upset. Her father could have texted you first and asked. We don’t know, but I’d think the MIL suggested this. Whoever’s idea it was, they should have mentioned it first.

My ex did this, but basically cut off almost all of DC’s hair. It was very upsetting. People even commented on it (and not in a ‘doesn’t it look lovely’ way, as it genuinely looked shocking) It was a power play for him. However your ex doesn’t sound quite so horrible, so just explain rather than accuse.

Missing my point entirely! I never said she wasn’t . At 3 she’d love if she’d been shaved bald probably 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sadly part of co-parenting is sometimes accepting the other parent gets a first. In this case your x didnt see it as a big issue and allowed his mum to do so.

I would not mention the incident as a starting point as it may make him defensive. Try something like. I wondered if we could discuss big firsts and how we decide who gets to do them. See if you can get some agreement that way. This will ensure in the future neither of you have a feeling of having lost out.

No, children don't think much about their hair unless they are raised by parents for whom a hairstyle or the way they look is important or exposed to social media or advertising that tells them the way their hair looks is important.

Children don't come into the world understanding that they are expected to look cute/ have haircuts that make them look a certain way. For a child it's just hair — until adults make it into something symbolic and important and start fetishising it.

Perhaps it got really tangled with being in and out of the water.

My daughter has curls and it's a nightmare if she's in pool/sea a lot.

Given it's just a little tidy I don't think it's worth getting upset about. If it had been a full chop that made her look radically different then I could see you'd have missed something.

A first haircut isn't really an event in itself. Mine mostly cried!

OP, I'd say pick your battles. Hair grows back and you may not actually have noticed that it had been cut if he hadn't mentioned it. Does it really matter? You can't be there for all your child's experiences.

Please don't be one of those people who turn minor things into dramas, for your daughter's sake. She seems to have a good relationship with her father and his family: this is incredibly important for her future — lots of research showing the importance of stable, cordial family connections in childhood leading to confidence and stability in later life. Let this go.

A random 90s clip art website, the beacon of knowledge.

It is a big deal

snipits.com/first-haircut-heres-how-to-make-your-childs-first-kid-cut-a-happy-memory/

You live a charmed life if you have enough head space to be so bothered. I don't remember my children's first head cuts, visit to santa, dental check ups etc. You will have a lifetime of firsts. Being separated from DC father will always be difficult. You have at least 40 years of this!

It’s a big milestone and I’d would be very sad if I had miss it. To the people saying you choose to make it a big deal - well, you all must be used to letting others decide what’s important for you. Having said that, potentially she assumed it was not the first haircut so I might be an honest mistake.

@Limehawkmoth hair is part of people’s, even children’s, self perception and identity. Their appearance is defined by it as much as height, colour of eye. People don’t cry when they loose a toenails…they certainly get very distressed if haircuts get wrong o4 god forbid they are affected by hair loss.

It sounds like the child was perfectly delighted with her hair and excited to show it off to her mum.