MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

My former MiL not only bottle-fed my first-born whilst I was asleep and trying to breast-feed, she also took him to McDonalds and fed him chips - he was a baby fgs. If she hadn't been my landlord and my boss I'd have just banned her from having anything to do with him. Such a loony, forget coming home with pierced ears, surprised she didn't get his face tattooed. So, in the scheme of things, it could have been worse. Have to say, it was a good job my Mother was 600 miles away or there would have been one heck of a cat-fight. (There are health reasons in our family where we're advised to lay off processed, fried foods btw, which MiL was perfectly aware of).

It's really mean of her to have done it

Assault!! 😂, talk about being overdramatic.

This idea of "firsts" has become over the top. Parents have always been delighted by their child's first words and first steps but these days it seems to apply to everything. The only way I'd be upset about this is if MIL gave my toddler a purple mohican or shaved all their hair off. It's just a trim and her dad was there anyway.

Yes I realise all of that ,(first hand) but the fact still remains a fact.

Would you think 8 days is too long for a mother to be with their child abroad? No you wouldn’t.

Children have two equal parents and this attitude is exactly why so many children end up with absent fathers. Because their Mothers treat them like objects that that own and don’t want to share.

Jesus calm down. You do realise some parents have to battle to keep their children from situations that involve sexual, physical and emotional abuse and you’re trying to paint this first world issue as assault without permission.

Nope not acceptable at all. I always run this kind of thing by my DDs dad, and he quite rightly would do the same. He was against her getting her ears pierced so I respected his stance and when she was older he said it was ok but these are things that just one parent can’t do. You should have been consulted for sure.

My MIL did this when my child was a baby, just one afternoon while looking after them for a few hours. It was also the first lock that had ever been cut and I had plans to keep it, as my mum did with my first lock. A child’s first haircut is special and I would have expected a mother (ie MIL) to understand that. YANBU

Her Father gets a say too, just because you are her mother it doesn't mean everything has to be your way. You say yourself your daughters hair is tangled and you don't do much with it, so why are you moaning, maybe her dad is fed up of seeing his daughters hair a mess. Do you know how sore it is having tangles and knots brushed out of your ? Your poor wee daughter.

I think given one of your last comments OP, you have a somewhat idealist view of co-parenting. I mean that kindly.

Your DD is only a toddler now but as she gets older there will be some decisions that need to be made on the spot or at the very least, without the months of procrastination that you say your ex has a habit of.

I completely understand your annoyance about the haircut, I’d hate it too. But I think that as co-parents, there will inevitably be some times where you can’t enter into negotiations with the other parent, and will need to make your own decision. And same for your ex.

I would suggest thinking about the things that feel really important to you and explicitly saying to him, if any of these XYZ things come up, I’d like us to have a discussion first. That way you don’t have to worry about him not putting himself in your shoes and there can be no misunderstandings like this.

I wouldn't be too bothered unless it was a massive change - but I appreciate people feel differently about this.

The thing is, if it's not a big deal to one person (as maybe it isn't to MIL or your ex) then it can be hard for them to see why it would be to anyone else - it just wouldn't be intuitive. I imagine they'd both appreciate that you wouldn't want DDs hair changed completely without your input, but not necessarily that you would see the first time she gets a trim by a family member to be emotionally important. So I wouldn't make too big a thing of it and I don't think it was a massive over-reach by MIL - who may not even know you've never cut it before, either, to be fair. It sounds like from her point of view or your ex's, she was just doing a small act of care, as it wasn't announced as 'look she's had her first haircut'

Nothing to do with it being first hair cut. Can be considered as assault without permission. I realise other parent was present but even so. Hope she asked your daugter if it was OK.

Maybe he didn't think that his child looking a scraggy unkempt mess is cute.
It's hair. It grows back. It's not like it's an earring or tattoo.

Jeez it's a small trim. You can speak to him when he's back if it bothers you so much. Can I remember my DC's first haircuts? Nope. Think you are overreacting OP.

It would have been good for ex to have asked your view first. But in reality, you two are separated and presumably he has equal parental rights?
It’s one thing keeping you informed out of courtesy and giving you your place, but he doesn’t actually need your permission. And would you have asked for his if the situation were reversed? No. Because you wouldn’t have needed it either. And you each can’t necessarily be there for all the ‘firsts’ either so if this is about you not being part of it, honestly, would you really both have attended the hairdressers together to get her first cut? Is that really what you expected? If the answer to that is genuinely yes then great, you obviously have a good co parenting relationship, or you thought you did and he was unreasonable. He would have been better to have called and said ‘my mums offering to cut DD hair, what do you think?’ and the only reasonable answer from you would have been ‘I’d rather she didn’t. Can we do this together and take her to a hairdressers when she gets home?’ So if you genuinely think you would have taken her together then Yanbu. If not, Yabu.

Would you be saying 8 days is a long time if it was the mum taking the child to see her parents?

Ooooo I’m getting annoyed on your behalf OP!!
No one has the right to do anything like this without your express permission!!!

I would try and grow each of my children’s hair out so they didn’t have a fringe as I find it a pain to maintain, yet without fail on numerous occasions I’d pick my kiddo(s) up from my parents and my mother will have ‘trimmed their fringe’ because it was getting their eyes!!

So not only did it look a mess - because she is not a hairdresser and has no natural skill for cutting hair! - but now the growing out of the hair was gonna take even longer!!

Also, I found out recently my mother once was looking after a friends son and cut his hair because she thought it was too long - his parents were growing it specifically and loved his long hair!! I couldn’t believe it!!!

The entitlement is unreal and so selfish!

@Kweenbeee excellent post.
Op unfortunately your ex is in a classic dynamic with mum.

I think the deeper issue is that OP wasn't included in the decision to cut her little girls hair while with her father. What if Grandma thought she'd look cute with earrings?

I still remember the 1st time my eldest son cut his own hair, big chunk out of the fringe, right before professional photos was scheduled. Now that was annoying.