Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

I think it's lovely that the kids are happy to come to your house, but every day is too much - and although on Mumsnet it's considered to be perfectly ok and normal to never invite other kids over, I think it's very rude. Kids don't care if houses are small or untidy... And for your DD to not be invited back EVER is poor behavior from other parents.

I loved having my DS's friends over (although it wasn't every day) ...but I think boys tend to scream less than girls, I wouldn't have put up with screaming.

You're very generous. I can honestly say that as much as I love my son (who is 14), I wouldn't want 5-10 of his mates coming over 2-3 times a week after school!! I wouldn't want 1-2 friends coming over that many times per week either! At most 1-2 friends, once a week, and they wouldn't be staying until 9 pm either! You are providing snacks and a meal for all these children 2-3 times per week! No other parent is going to do the same, why would they when their child is being fed by you 2-3 times per week! Personally, I'd cut this down considerably, and send them home for their evening meal! What about homework? My son is 14 (Year 9) and has homework every night. When are these children doing theirs?!!

I know it’s a pain, but you should also feel honoured! You have a fantastic relationship with all of those girls!! They obviously see you as a cool / lovely mum! Plus, at least you know where she is & who she’s with. I hope our house is the hang out when they’re teens! It would be great if the other parents could contribute to snacks & takeaways though.

op I was very much like you and held the vast majority of sleep overs and friends over at my house. I even threw a Christmas Eve party for 12 friends one year. The one time my eldest daughter went on a sleep over she was sexually assaulted by a friend of the family and it’s affected her entire life. Needless to say , For the rest of my children sleepovers where at my house or direct family members like my sisters only. At least you know your daughter and her friends are safe and you get the kudos of being the coolest mum. Just stop ordering Take away and put a limit on the cost of junk food instead of letting them run crazy through your cupboards. A few goodfellas pizzas, a few sharing bags of crisps and a tub of ice cream is plenty. Farmfoods do amazing deals on that sort of stuff and out wouldn’t cost you more than £6-10 for 4-6 kids. Alternatively, send them home with a note saying that next week is their turn to bring pizza/hot dogs/crisps to lighten the load.

If it doesn't bother you having your daughter's friends round, let it go. My house was the hangout for my son's friends and they always remembered that, considered it a safe, second home and had lots of fun. I wouldn't have done it any differently. He did go to their houses occasionally but they always ended up back at ours. One virtually moved in during school holidays.

As long as you get some time to yourselves, some privacy and a few ground rules, it's a good thing and your daughter will appreciate that.

I came from a very inhospitable home, was isolated and would have loved an 'open house' as a child.

my friends as a teenager came to my house most evenings
a neighbour allocated a shed to her teen's friends.

i think you will just have to embrace it,
accommodate them,
dont spend so much on takeaways though!

We have had groups of teens round for sleepovers etc but our house at that point was three generations at home, so it was more difficult as we had my mum to consider also and less space than some people had, and when she was 13 DD just really liked being round at one particular friend's house, and it was also near the school so an obvious choice for hanging out.

I did speak to the other mum though who sermed to like having DD round and say her daughter was also welcome to ours any time.

At 13 parents barely speak to each other and the dc do the organising. I’d be expecting my dd to do the thanking. We’re not the “hang out” house. I’m happy to be but we’re further out than others. At primary play dates tend to be alternating but secondary they hang where’s convenient.

But not usual. My DS was in year 11 in 2020. Never been in any Whatsapp groups. Considering he went to a different primary to to most ( 2 from his primary went to that second ary) and had been taking himself to and from school for 5 years at that point the ere was no Whatsapp groups.

My DDs were in school long before Whatsapp groups were a thing.

I think you should embrace being that house. It's a place where they feel and are safe.
What you could do is talk to your daughter about them all tidying up after themselves before they leave.

And we did have a WhatsApp group for my eldest’s form at secondary school. But that was because of Covid times and school closures. So it was good to keep in touch with everyone. I still keep in touch with a few parents from that group as their dc are very good friends with my dc and we are now all looking at universities.

@Katiecarrot the reason they aren't inviting your DD round is that you are providing it all for them. Either cut back the number of times, or carry on.

There are likely to be one or two in the group where the domestic situation possibly puts them in a tricky situation (eg one parent on shift work, means day time sleeping) to host routinely, but fundamentally you are making it too easy.

Formalise it a bit either with fewer hangouts, asking the girls to bring snacks etc for sleepovers, or set some boundaries such as "not this month for a sleepover because we have xxxx on at home... if they want to host the sleepover I am really happy to take you there DD".

I do think it is lovely having open house, and I too try to do this. But I recognise it is me that drives it. Plus, when I find it gets a bit too much I just try to rein it in for a bit.

Oh and to add... I always go out to say hello to the parents. I do it to make sure their child is picked up ok, especially if I don't know the parents well.

I have teen dc and I am happy for our house to be a place where the friends come over/ stay etc.

I think it is wise to be the parent who knows who the friends are and sees what they get up to.

That said, I would knock the take aways on the head. If they are hungry, they can have toast etc. I always have lots of bread, cereal and milk in the house.

Can you cut both the hanging around and sleepover sessions down? It’s not fair when you’re paying for all the food.

The bonus of course is that you know where your DD is! But if it’s getting too much and others don’t reciprocate it’s fine to say once a week max.

I've never heard of a Whatsapp group for secondary school parents I suppose if kids had moved up from same primary to secondary with friends might be some as a hangover from primary school

@Katiecarrot You sound lovely. For the first half of this thread, I assumed you were a single person, as you seemed to be entirely in charge of opening up your house, but I realise now you are part of a couple, and I imagine your partner is similarly enthusiastic about welcoming your DD's friends into your home -wonderful. What you've got going for your daughters is really special, they will be so grateful in years to come for the openness and generosity you have modelled and instilled in them. I always imagined my house to be like yours and for this to be a key part of my parenting, but my tw/eens' dad has developed social anxiety over the years and is very particular about 'having people over', adults or children. It is a big source of sadness and regret for me and a large contributing factor to why I'm trying to facilitate a separation.

At some point I might go out and say hi to the other parent and check they are OK with their child coming round and if its a bit much, offer to send them home earlier? Or restrict it more? I wonder if they feel a bit like it's too much but they aren't sure how to put boundaries in for no real reason. If someone provided open house for my child I'm not sure I'd always be grateful to be honest. Not saying you are doing anything wrong and that parent shouldn't be deciding on their own boundaries though but I can imagine feeling like this.

We used to be that house. I loved that my sons brought their friends over, it was good to get to know them and most of the time it was fun having them around.
I grew up in a house where friends weren’t made to feel welcome and I spent a lot of time at a friends house whose mum was so hospitable, I loved going there.
i wanted to be that sort of mum.

We sort of have this...we can't reciprocate play dates very often, DH and I both work from home, and DS1 has a 5 year old brother who is often tantrummy and over tired in the evenings.

I try to even it out by offering play dates on my non working day or on Saturday afternoons.

But they are not even getting out of their cars or texting to thank you. That is just common courtesy and it doesn't cost anything.

I have always had numbers of parents who hosted my secondary school children. It was/is a prerequisite of them going I am afraid. I need to know who they are, where they live, phone number. The kids get the number from their friends.I did relax it a bit at sixth form but by then I typically had most of their numbers anyway!

I am very liberal but this is a prerequisite and I have never budged on this one.

@Katiecarrot You are an amazing mum! Sorry, no real advice, but I really admire your generosity and kind spirit.

If you want other parents to reciprocate, you needed to have clearly got them to agree to doing so BEFORE you had the children round. Setting up something you expect to be reciprocated without making that clear is unkind.

You are VERY generous to have these children back, but there are lots of reasons why other parents might not be able to:

• At 13, children may be going back to empty houses while parents are still at work, and so can't be responsible for a group of children.
• They may be being taxi service/carer to younger children so again not be in the house most of the time.
• They may be managing multiple children with multiple needs
• They may be caring for elderly parents, or disabled siblings
• They may be working at home, so again need to know that the children in their care will entertain themselves quietly.
• Money may be very tight - it's again very generous of you to feed and even buy takeaways for the kids, but some families will be strictly budgeting for the food for their kids, there won't be any money for take-aways, or even for making food stretch for more people.

What you do is lovely, but suggesting other people are somehow rude for not being able to do what you do is not on. Unless a parent has asked you to look after their kid, and then refuses to pay you or reciprocate, complaining about others not providing for you to do it, or doing the same is NOT ok.