Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

Glad it's OK now, and you've sorted it out @BarbourAnne All the best, and I hope you and your husband-to-be will be very happy.

I’m glad you got it figured out, @BarbourAnne

I hope your wedding is happy and full of bliss and your reception is full of champagne and happiness.
And I hope your day shows a shows a shocking lack of drama.
Congratulations.
Sending love. ❤️

She is his friend and he wants her at the wedding so I’d invite her. Personally I wouldn’t want them to have a shared grievance against you, it makes you look petty and jealous.

My SIL behaves like this when she's drunk - which she is often. I no longer see my brother because he tries (I think pathetically) to turn a blind eye to or excuse her behaviour. I just can't stand it - it's disturbing to see and im my opinion, humiliates him. So I just don't see either of them. At all.

Tell Hubby to be that she's a vile harpy with wandering hands and that she's categorically not welcome. He'll get over it.

Good for you for having boundaries and a spine when others havent.

I agree with you saying plainly why she isn't invitrd

I can empathise with how you feel, but look, she can feel him up all she likes - he’s marrying you, so she would only be making herself look a desperate fool

Just to add although it’s not the point of this thread that I also don’t believe it is men’s responsibility to call out other men either. Like women are not one homogenous group responsible for the behaviour of each other, men aren’t either. And there may be multiple very good reasons why they don’t “call out” other men’s behaviour either generally or in any particular moment. Why do they have to be the responsible behaviour police, otherwise they become guilty of the same crime? That’s a really weird leap. People are responsible for their own behaviour, it’s not the responsibility of anyone else to monitor or resolve poor behaviour by someone else, unless they are in a position of authority where that is appropriate/required. It should not be a requirement of any individual to take on or resolve society-wide issues. If they want to, that’s great, big pat on the back but many people are struggling to deal with their own immediate, often fundamental, problems, they either have the capability not the bandwidth to solve society’s ills! If you are struggling to put food on the table or with significant caring responsibilities, or a mental health condition or a million other things we have to deal with in modern life, then talking on structural and institutional sexism and misogyny might seem a bit much.

...and why you marrying him op .. honestly walk from so called friend and soon to be ex fiance or husband ..life too short for this..

I’m taking about calling a woman a “pick me”, which is used ime to put women down who act too “masculine”, or who prefer the company of men to women, or who enjoy traditionally masculine sports or to even those who just flirting etc etc etc etc. None of which are problematic behaviours that need “calling out”. And people feeling free to call people out can be a good thing, it can also be an extremely negative thing depending on who’s doing the “calling out” and why. It can lead to oppression and stereotyping and bullying etc so it shouldn’t be accepted by society as if it’s always a positive. I don’t like the “pick me” trope as much as I don’t like the “Karen” one. They are ways to put women down and keep them in their box. And there are ways to complain about behaviour without using them.

I am glad you had a sensible outcome. It certainly sounds like he doesn't approve of her behaviour so hopefully this will have given him (and maybe others) the nudge not to ignore it. Have a happy day!

Good compromise. Well done to sticking to your guns.

Sounds good to me OP. Have a great day.

i imagine both the op and he thought that for the weddings of their first marriages.

look, this wedding isn’t going to be a happy affair no matter what. If it’s not this sex pest issue, it will be something else. Groups of people like this… they’ll be so many petty spats and likely so much soaked in alcohol.

Let her come, don’t let her come, the end result won’t be much different I suspect. Drama, tension, piss up

Surely it’s the biggest day of HIS life as well?

a 1st hand and 2nd hand thrill

😆😅😂😁

I don't necessarily disagree, but context is important!

I'm a former combat sports athlete; when you're training any kind of grappling you'll inevitably end up in all manner of compromising positions. I competed to quite a high level and with there being generally fewer women in the gym, I'd have to train and spar with smaller guys. If you end up stuck with some dude's sweaty butt in your face, sometimes you have to give it a smack or make a comment just to break the ice and get over the awkwardness of it.

That's obviously a million miles away from walking up behind someone and groping them 'just because'.

Yes i wouldn't marry who wanted someone like that as a guest anyway

Would you have her at your wedding then?

A man groping another man in jest is very weird but still a bit different to another woman groping your fella.

She sounds like your typical attention beg.

Is it a physical sport that they're involved in OP? Not to excuse her behavior, but you do tend to find that teammates will be a bit 'hands on' socially with physical sports. Rugby is notorious for it, football and combat sports to a lesser extent too. Obviously her being female adds a different dynamic that will make some people uncomfortable, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that her intentions are nefarious rather than just (God I hate this word) 'banter'.

You do say that when you/your partner took issue with it she appologised and stopped.

I've been involved in a typically male dominated sport for the majority of my life, and you do tend to find that some women feel the need act like 'one of the lads' in order to fit in. And if it's a male dominated sport like you say, it'll naturally attract 'tomboy' types.

You say that there are recent pictures of her with male teammates knocking about. Presumably those men had no issue with her behavior, so you do run the risk of looking like you're singling her out because she's a woman. Or will you not be inviting the men in those pictures either? Would you react in the same way if one if your fella's male teammates groped him?

At the end of the day you're well within your rights not to want her there, but she's also been a friend of your partner's for presumably decades, and marriage is all about compromise. Could there be a situation where your partner tells her that her behavior has made some of the other guests uncomfortable in the past, and asks her to dial it down?

Whilst she does sound like someone you might not want there you do need to decide if you’re someone who won’t say who he can be friends with or someone who will. Your position on it currently isn’t clear. Before issuing a straight veto maybe just check if there’s anyone he doesn’t want there as he could argue he gets the same.

I knew a woman like that, she was an exhibitionist...even talked about how she wanted to give birth in front of an audience. She wasn't joking...she tried to hire a TV crew. She was exhausting human at 25...I can't even imagine what she's like now at 50something...one would hope she'd settled down some, but w/ this update, makes me wonder if we know that same woman....

I agree that her behavior isn't dangerous to men like a man's would be to women, but she is a pest, that's for sure. And no way would I want someone like that at my wedding.

Tell your STBDH once, "I'm not inviting her," and don't say anything else. Are you in charge of the invites? Then don't address one to her. Just firmly, but simply say, "no. I'm not inviting her." No need for drama. A firm, non-emotional 'no' is enough.

You both have to agree to who comes to your wedding. You're not vetoing anyone else, I assume? Maybe add some distant cousin of your STBDH to show you're acting in good faith. Great-uncle Bob's daughter's niece won't make a scene, I'm sure.

I was introduced to a very prestigious group of professionals - I was the outsider, but I was also in a very prestigious position.
When I met them, they were at a pool party and one of the husbands grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap and said “hey beautiful!” He kept me there until I could I pry myself away several minutes later. This man was very drunk.
Of course, the wives looked down their noses at me. I was dressed in street clothes.
The offending man’s wife hated me for the rest of those years we were acquainted with them - all because of her husband’s drunken behaviour.
She refused to attend our wedding, while everyone else attended.
I just wanted you to see the view from someone who was put in a very difficult position and who did nothing inappropriate but was penalized for it.
Those men were Naval pilot officers and I was aide to a senator.
Being inappropriate would have ruined my career, but evidently, not theirs.

She sounds like something out of a Carry On movie