How to Not Feel Left Out

Of course the have a Bond. You need to get over this

jusy acknowledge your feelings, you’re having a normal human reaction. Don’t judge your feelings just acknowledge them and that’s all you can do.

OP has your boyfriend actually confirmed that he wants more children? How old are you and he?

I wonder if you could spin it to "how lucky that one day I'll have a child with such a fantastic father, and what a wonderful bond I can't wait to have it with my child"
Really, it's testament to him and his relationship with her, you should feel left out, that's him making the correct choice, and she never should feel shes anything less than his number 1 priority. So I'd try and see it as a massive compliment to him (and your choice of partner), this is how it sometimes should feel because he is her dad, which is a unique and special thing, and its not right if he includes you in absolutely everything.

It's great you know the feelings are unreasonable. It's hard but he's doing the right thing by his daughter, and he'll do the right thing by your shared baby one day too.

Hmm you’ve got a thread in Baby Names saying you’re expecting? If that’s true I’m sure you’ll understand the parent/child connection soon enough…

His relationship with his daughter is completely separate from you and, as lovely as it is that she seems to like you, I think you need to detach a little bit. Just being aware of the parent/child bond should be enough to understand that the connection they have.

Perhaps it might also be helpful to remember that it’s so important for DSD to have one on one time with her Dad, so it’s not about leaving you out but acting in the child’s best interest.

Plenty of birth mums are jealous of , or don’t understand the bond between their child and his/her dad. It is not an unusual feeling. Well done for being able to recognise and articulate this.
Girls ( I say girls because the child in question is female) can be very possessive of their father and at some point often exclude any other adult. This may ease as she gets older and or you may be more used to it but it can get more so. When you have a child it would not be unusual that either she pushes you out or begins to misbehave or that you find you have overwhelming and exclusive love for your own child. No one on here can anticipate how things will go.
It may be helpful to have some family therapy now and periodically in order for you to continue to be the valued person you obviously are but also for you to develop some self confidence and understanding of your feelings.

You sound like a great step-mum to be! I said you were unreasonable, but only because as you already know, you will likely never have the same bond, with either of them and nor should you. Not that you can’t develop a similar relationship, and it sounds like you’re on track for that. As a step parent, you may often be the one, alongside mums partner, who is inevitably left out when it has to be someone. Your feelings are valid, but a bit futile, they don’t serve any positive purpose. Perhaps in situations like this, you could plan something special for just the two of you, or three (with dad) to do, so you can celebrate her achievements. No one wants to feel guilty because you’re feeling sad, so, as you are, suck it up and make something positive come out of it!

I haven’t read the full thread but I felt like this at times with my now husband and his then 9 year old. I wasn’t jealous of him, I was jealous that my husband had a child, a bond and connection that I didn’t. This was made harder by the fact that he said he didn’t want any more kids.

I loved my SS but found it hard that I wasn’t really part of it. He had a mum and we were more like siblings. Ridiculous, I know.

Anyway, we did live together and I ended up giving an ultimatum that I wanted a child together or I couldn’t be in the relationship and so we did. As is now 22 and has his own place, our daughter is almost 9 now and we are a family. My SS is part of that of course but he’s an adult now and I love their relationship because I’m not jealous. I’ve also been in his life for 13 years so he’s grown up with me. I’m not his mum, I never wanted to be. I love his mum, she’s a good friend and I think that possibly made it harder!

It sounds like it's something you want in your life but also it's as big an adjustment to becoming a step-parent as it is to gaining one for her. I think let yourself know that how you're feeling is normal. As long as you're not feeling any resentment towards her I don't think there's a problem - you can define your relationship with her on your own grounds, and also independently of her dad. Build your own connection.

@Drummend01

"But I do wish I could understand the connection they have"

When you are a parent (which you hope to be, down the line) that's not a question that would even enter your head.

To save yourself anguish, don't be jealous and don't expect him to ever choose you over his daughter (if he's a decent bloke ofc)

I think you sound absolutely lovely and try to see everyone else’s perspective. I think it’s important to acknowledge you probably won’t ever feel exactly the same feelings of connection as her mum and dad. That’s normal! But you are clearly an addition to her life and she likes you and everyone gets on. That’s actually quite rare and really good! Keep doing what you’re doing!

It's nice of him to message you updates but I don't think he should, almost feels pitying lol and I'd feel left out too, plus I'm sure his DD and ex would rather his full attention on them/the event.

In terms of managing your jealousy - what about radical acceptance?

The situation is what it is. Currently you do not have a child. Your boyfriend does. This is what it's like to be in this situation. There are things you won't be part of.

If you can try to accept that there's no way you are always going to be included, it might make it less painful. It's no one's fault, it's just how life is right now.

Honestly don’t think OP comes across as jealous. More like someone who is standing on the periphery looking in instead of being involved.

Most people want to be an integral part of their significant other’s lives if the relationship is serious.

As someone who has the child from previous relationship OP I can totally see where your coming from OP.

My husband had a daughter when we first met. She was 4 back then. They had an amazing bond and seeing their special relationship was part of what made me fall in love with both of them. I loved being a step mum. And I attended lots of events and sometimes I didn't attend. I don't recall feeling "left out" but I know I recognised when they needed "their time" as opposed to "our time" (but this sports day sounds more like a capacity issue). Being welcomed into their lives doesn't mean you automatically are always required to be there, but you need to grow a thicker skin. My own dad (who is a step dad to my sister) took me aside when my husband proposed and said "you know you will never come first. Are you okay with that? ". He didn't mean it unkindly.. he spoke the truth, and I accepted it and I have never once regretted it. You sound like an incredibly caring person who has the capacity to be a great step mum as long as you can feel secure in yourself.

I don’t think you’re necessarily “wrong” for feeling this way.

I think logically, you’ll never understand the bond they have because 1) the mum is still very much around and involved which is good and 2) you aren’t her biological parent. Some will also disagree but a 2 year relationship isn’t that long, so although you get on well with your DP’s daughter, a bond like that can take years to build. You are dad’s girlfriend more than step mum. Living together and time will definitely bring you closer.

From your OP and what you have said about your friends… I think the “feeling left out” feeling isn’t because of your DP’s daughter. I think it’s because you aren’t a parent yourself, so you feel like you don’t “get it” when it comes to your friends or DP.

If you do want children, maybe this is something to discuss with DP when you move in together.

For now if you are really struggling with your mind, talking therapy can really help x

The thread police are out in force I see.

OP it's great that you have such a good relationship with her, and your partner is obviously trying to involve you as much as possible in the sports day.

This feeling of being left out will pass, and soon you'll be fully involved when you move in together. For now, allow yourself to feel a bit sad but then forget about it.

Feelings of being left out will be something of your own that you need to deal with. Probably via therapy. And I’d do it asap before moving in together because this will be worse not better then.

a friend of mine has this same issue of feeling left out. She projects it onto her teen daughters and it’s awful to see. Also mean if members of our group meet individually for a reason not related to her she doesn’t like it either do the tone is sensed…. Totally her stuff but I see how it impacts others.

OP I think it's really normal to have these feelings when you and your partner are at slightly different life stages. You won't get the 'first child' experience with him and it's natural that you have some difficult feelings of being left out about that, even though you're happy to accept that it's just the way things are.

No real advice except to say it's normal, you see this sentiment expressed all the time on MN. I expect it will ease with time. Two years is a well established relationship but still not all that long in the grand scheme of things. You'll all settle into your roles with time.

She's saying they don't have kids together.

Their relationship isn't about you or your feelings. You sound oddly jealous 🤷‍♀️