Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

Do you go out on dates? What do you do that is fun together? Maybe put some energy into this. So many fun things you could plan. Get some nice lingerie or whatever takes you fancy. Put effort in and you’ll get it out and it’s a lot better than splitting up of there isn’t really anything wrong.

People will tell you that you're feeling this way because of perimenopause, OP, and of course it might not be helping. But personally I wouldn't rush to pathologise how you're feeling, which sounds like boredom caused by a lack of stimulation and novelty in your life.

Some people do manage to keep the genuine spark in marriage over the decades, but in my experience, comfortable companionship is the more common outcome and should not be undervalued. It can provide the perfect foundation and backdrop to a new and rewarding era of self fulfilment where you persue new goals. But you have to create excitement for yourself, not blame your relationship for not providing it.

I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else.

That sentence jumped out at me, OP. If everyone else's needs are being put before yours, you need to fix that first.

Honestly OP I think everyone feels like this at some stage or another, including your DH. I don't believe a 'spark' can last for 40 years. I also believe a lifelong commitment goes through peaks and troughs and you just ride out the bad patches and the good come round again. I am similar to you, good lifestyle, happy kids etc and felt extremely guilty for a long time that I wasnt happier. I was meh about everything and often wondered would I really care if Dh ran off. I don't know what changed but I don't feel this way anymore. I've recently turned a corner where I can leave kids home alone and dh and I have started making plans again. We occasionally go for walks or out for dinner and spend time together in an unforced natural way. We talk about places we'd like to go or social things we'd enjoy. I have had lots of nights out and gigs and parties this year, some with DH some without, and I feel my old self emerging slowly. I've started to feel excited about things again, i can lie in at weekends when I want, I can think about hobbies I can pursue. I feel I've emerged from a fog of parenthood after so many years and I find life is OK on the other side.

I’m the same age as you and ended my long term relationship last summer due to feeling more like friends. It was easier for me though as no shared kids and we lived separately. Not much has changed, still see each other twice a week and on very good terms. I’m on HRT as well but it hasn’t made a difference. I do feel sad but also relieved not to have to be sexually active. I did have a very short but intense relationship following our split but ended it as person was very unreliable. I’m really not sure what the answer is or how on earth people keep the spark so long, I suspect many don’t and just settle into a comfortable cosy friendship. My mum left my dad for a few years in her mid 40s and I now suspect peri had a lot to do with it. Neither of them got with anyone else and they did reunite - will have their 50th wedding anniversary next year and both seem v happy so maybe it’s just about “hanging onto your hat” during the mid life phase. Wishing you all the best xx

@Tuggle25

this may be of use?

100% perimenopause I would say. Have a look online at some supplements to support it.

Find a hobby to challenge you and 'find you' again.

Go on a date night with DH. Book them in periodically

Peri was my immediate thought too given your age.

I agree with pp that it could be perimenopause. I'm 43 and feel exactly the same.

How clued up are you on menopause? Sounds like classic perimenopause from what I’ve heard but I kinda have to feel you’re living under a rock if you haven’t already considered it?