Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

This is good advice.

I've posted above about my boredom and how I'm overcoming it, but my circumstances sound different to yours in that DH isn't complacent, likes to do new things, likes to travel, does have a lot to say, and we can sit in a pub all night chatting and laughing until we stagger home tipsy together.

You sound full of life, and your DH doesn't. Building the life you want for you, and seeing if it inspires DH to do the same, is a good shout.

Just start doing the things you want to be doing. See how he reacts / what difference it makes to you and your relationship. He might wake up, to be honest -- and he might not. Stop waiting for your life, just start living it. Then find out whether he wants to partner you in your exciting life. I think it goes that way round. Start building the life you want, then figure out if DH fits in it. If not, you will already be well on your way to the kind of life you want.

Married for 35 years ...

It's interesting, because I ended up going to uni as a mature student when I was 43. I really remember that one of the things which triggered it was sitting across from my husband and thinking 'I don't know who you are any more or who I am for that matter.'

Doing something new, completely selfish, and entirely focused on myself stopped me from feeling as if I was disappearing and we were strangers. I carried on doing things for myself - cold water swimming, fell in love with riding big motorbikes, started chasing creative projects with bragging rights, etc. And we ended up having more to talk about / reconnected / refound the joy in eachother.

Spend some time thinking about what brings you joy. I did this a few years ago and realised there were some things that made me very happy I had not been doing for a long time because they felt like "luxury" items and came at the bottom of the list of things that we needed to be spending time and money on as a family. For me, that was going to shows and gigs. It's less about DH and the spark (sexual) and more about joy in life and spark altogether. Figure out some things you love doing and then just fucking do them. Life will be much better. You will like DH more, too, as a result.

Similar age, similar problem although DH has become an arsehole in his behaviour - so easier to feel hatred.
I think age is relevant, in our 40s we could still find a new relationship, look good and feel good / obviously people find love later than 40s but for me it feels I’m wasting my last sexual years.

This

Yes I completely relate. I'm 41, DH is 43, and we've been together 20 years. Like you, everything is mostly great.

But it's been bumpy the last couple of years. I feel very attention seeking, very sexual and lusting after other men a lot, and craving the excitement of those early days in a relationship. I've shared on other threads that I even recently got into a whole thing where I was sexting with internet strangers and sharing pictures of me in my underwear (I confessed all to DH).

But, factually, the dating world at our age is a pile of shit! That's undisputed. Do I want to live in a rented 2 bed flat in a crap area, paying double for all bills, and finding myself lonely at the weekends, indulging in online dating and going on date after date with a load of guys who would either be 10 years younger than me and therefore immature, or my age and older and come with a load of baggage, which includes an ex wife and 2 kids? No.

So I've invested in getting some excitement back into my marriage. I'm talking sex toys, dressing up, sex in the kitchen, flirty dates, sexting, sending nudes. I've coached DH, bless him, in how to compliment me! I want heartfelt compliments that make me feel desired, when I've gone to the trouble of dressing up for the evening - NOT a generic "you look lovely", which is what he'd say to his mum!

I also suggest you take up an activity that you can feel some excitement for, and feel proud of yourself for. For me, that's been strength training.

Hang in there OP. It's our time of life. 20 years of one relationship, 20 years of the working world. It's fucking boring! Unless you make a concerted effort for it to be less so.

At this stage I'd question why you are still relying on your husband for excitement and meaning in your life?

You can keep chasing through new love and the "spark" but from what I've seen normally that doesn't work, and aside from some lucky exceptions, the older you get the harder the spark is to find as a single person.

Often it is necessary to accept that some things are joys we can't repeat. I'd love the excitement of going to university for the first time again, or a childs Christmas, or my first kiss etc. but it's impossible, I'm past those and lucky to have had them at all.

It's hard when we think we deserve what we want, but just understand that the likelyhood is that ending your marriage won't be followed by dream romances full of sparks. It is much more likely to be filled with disappointing men, and fleeting glimpses of what you dream of.

That's all doom and gloom so bring on the positives - you control your own excitement and passion, not your husband. It probably isn't going to be romantic passion, so find another one. Find something you can get excited about and want to think about when you sleep/wake. A cause, a hobby, a creative endeavor, a business, a new way of living, helping your community etc. Something that will give your life a spark, that isn't dependant on romance and men.

Doing that will give you control over the purpose and meaning of the second half of your life.. and if you can do it with a stable family and a husband who at worst is your best friend... Then that is a lucky life.

I think this is perfectly normal isn’t it? We are not supposed to be swinging from the lampshades until we die? Most of the middle aged couples I know (devoted/spend all their time together) have hung up their sex pants. They do other stuff - travel/friends/gardening etc.

The key is have your own life too. Stuff just for you. And stop serving others. Why oh why do women do it? Especially if they marry educated grown men? They don’t need to be mummied. Neither do kids older than 13.

And perhaps seek HRT. You sound slightly down in the dumps. That might be hormonal.

I also feel this, very strongly. The idea that women should medicate themselves in order to not hurt men's feelings through decsreased sexual interest is stomach churning. Personally I think that the fading of sexual desire as a dominating driver in women's lives can be hugely liberating. But instead of celebrating a new chapter of our lives when we could be living for ourselves for a change, we are fed the narrative that we are "broken" if we are nonplussed about sex.

It sounds like you need to go back to work?

This is a great response OP, couldn't have put it better

These feelings are very valid OP, but quite different from the way you described your marriage in your original post. You can be bored without feeling resentment, or vice versa, or both. What's at the root of your feelings, do you think?

HRT helped me keep my sexual mojo.

How has this happened when you both work?

Your DH doesn’t sound very nice or loveable if he wants you to pick up the household and childcare future.

I sympathise OP this strikes a chord with me too. I think it's something to do with basically being everyone's carer and having nothing that's just you. Or not enough. I want to go on an adventure on my own.
Lots of people here are saying peri which might be the case with me too, but I do think the idea that we all need to be medicated so we can go on serving our families, having sex with our husbands and putting up with everyone's shit feels wrong.

What's wrong with being married to your best friend?

Saying this, it does look you are neglecting your self-care

Do you have a hobby? I'm similar age to you and last year just felt so meh. Everything was fine but felt like all I did was work, ferry DD around to activities, then do some stuff on weekends with DH and DD..

I needed something for me. Something that didn't involve organising other people, coordinating diaries with friends. I just wanted some fun and to think about myself. I started playing padel and it has been fantastic.
It has given me exactly what I needed, it has been fun, friendly, sociable and I am feeling much more satisfied with life at the moment. I don't play any set day but will make sure I get time every week, at least a couple of times.

Think of fun things you can do together.
It takes a bit of effort but it's worth it. A good friend of mine recommended what she called alphabet dates so starting at A she found something they could do beginning with that letter, then every six weeks or so they had a date beginning with the next letter. They took it in turns and tried to find things they wouldn't normally do so Archery, Bowling, Canoeing and so on. Y was a night in a Yurt, M was a mosaic workshop. They had fun, found somethings they enjoyed , and laughed together about things that weren't so great

We've been together over 20 years by the way and still have a spark and great sex, it is possible! But if you never had the spark I think it's hard to get it. If you once had it and it's waned, you just have to work to get it back I think.

Peri meno as others have said. Started hrt and go my vroom back

It might be peri menopause, it might not but also, life can be dull and routine in your forties, especially with youngish children.

And I think of course you feel fed up if everyone's needs come before yours, it would irritate me too. And it's guaranteed to NOT make you feel desirable, interesting, sexy, interested.

I think you should tell your dh how you're feeling and see if you can solve it together. Do you have any overnight childcare for your children? We used to go off to hotels for a night or 2 together and it made such a difference to our marriage, because we got to have proper conversations, dinners where we dressed up and made an effort, sex in the middle of the day on crisp hotel sheets. Room service and wine and all that really helps with romance.

I'm older than you, with grown up children and that's what kept us happy over the bringing up children years. Now the children have left we're still really happy and have a great life, including romantically but we definitely had to work to clear time and space for that in our 40s. Good luck.