Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

Yes a lot of my friends have gone through this during peri menopause. On the other hand I've been single by choice for over 10 years and can honestly say it's bloody marvellous. I've raised my daughter and we're still super close but as far as relationships with men go I prefer to live my own life on my own terms and it's totally liberating.

I'd recommend Andrew Marshall's book 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' You need to get a hobby all for yourself that puts the spark back into life for you -try lots of different things. And also read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski. Time to start putting yourself first and getting a little more separation from family life to allow you to miss it and your husband.

I would suggest therapy OP. Some for yourself to explore what you want and where you're at, and then couples therapy for the both of you.

I did the holidays without him and tbh it made it even clearer in my mind! I had a great time with DC, it was such an easy relaxed break.

@Tuggle25you do grow out of people. He know someone like this , exactly the same down to the age and she left. She just said she was fed up and didn’t want to be with him anymore.
Now about 2 years on they have 50/50. He’s met some, she hasn’t as is happier than ever.

Be grateful, your normal is someone else's dream.

'Let me ask you a hard question. Are you really bored with him. Or are you bored with you.'

God, that is SUCH a good question! I was feeling bored senseless a few months back, I wish someone had asked me that question then. Going to keep it in my back pocket for the future 👍

OP, I agree with others that you need to start thinking more about yourself and what you would like to get out of life. Don't underestimate the impact of perimenopause on your physical and mental health - I highly recommend using the Balance app and track your symptoms understand more about what is going on for you. I started HRT at 44 a year ago and it hadn't been a magic wand, but I feel so much better than I did. I recommend it very highly

HOWEVER...... HRT wont do anything to fix relationship issues, or lack of boundaries, or being everyone's doormat or whatever. That's a whole other separate piece of work that needs doing. The feelings you describe are definitely common in your 40s but that doesn't mean you're doomed, or that you just have to put up with them forever

I agree with this.

also, a husband who sat on the sofa burping and farting wouldn’t do it for me. No wonder you don’t want to shag him.

Try Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way to get back in touch with the person buried under all the rubble of looking after everyone else.

Based on your earlier posts, my advice was to focus less on your comfortable-but-predictable marriage and instead look for other ways of creating some excitement and novelty for yourself. But with your latest update, it does sound like your marriage isn't in a great place, OP, and that the problem isn't that you are bored of the predictability, but that your bored of him.

I don't think it's hugely unusual for the woman to be the driving force in "making fun things happen", but it only works when the man is an enthusiastic passenger who is happy to get on board, join the adventure, and bring something to the party themselves.

I think the advice to start doing things for yourself still stands, though. Like a PP said, your DH might surprise you and want to match your energy. But if he's moany and resentful and just wants a quite and undemanding life with regular sex, then you've got some hard choices ahead of you.

Join some clubs, get some fulfilment by doing some things that you enjoy.

I was like this for about 18 months in menopause there were other issues as well but this was a huge part of it. I didn’t HRT and did get my mojo back.

Overall a lot of men are a bit shit and my friends who do online dating well it’s not been that successful especially the ones that are post 40. The only very successful woman who is having a whale of a time is a friend of a friend, she has the kind of looks that rarely exist for us mere mortals.

I don't think your choices are as limited as 'leave your husband' or 'tolerate this forever', OP. There is scope for things to improve.

Lots of couples enter into a sexual rut but it doesn't mean it will always be that way. It is possible that you will feel desire and passion again within your marriage. Lots of couples baulk at counselling with a sex therapist but it can be life changing if there is a willingness there.

Would your husband be receptive to you if you raised that you want more freedom, more equality, more spontaneity etc? What would happen if you said to him 'I'm in crisis and I want to resolve this with you, can we find a path?'

I think you should book yourself a holiday, on your own OP. It will give you time where you can just relax, do things that YOU want to do, think about what you REALLY want, and all without having to spring to attention to see to someone else's needs. If you should find a bit of holiday romance while you're there, you might decide that that was all you needed, and come home happy to settle down again, or it might be enough to tip the scales, and make you decide that wasting your life living with a decision you made when you were 22, would be a mistake.

I know that affairs are frowned upon, and that living alone, and being hard up, can be miserable when you once 'had it all', but equally it can present a challenge, and open your eyes to a new life, that you absolutely love.

Further to the earlier message...

One day I simple decided this was no way to live life.

I had a frank conversation with my husband.

We are both much happier now

Watching with interest as I feel exactly the same. I love DH. He’s still very good looking. But something has gone ..gone.. flat lines is a good description. And I can’t say why’s. I’m 48 so maybe it is a menopause thing

I could have written it myself a few months ago.

I remember listening "Show must go on " by Freddie Mercury on repeat.

Then I realised it's up to me to make changes.

The dating scene is shit, BTW. I have a lot of single friends

You were 22 when you got married. I bet you felt really mature at the time, but looking back you were just a child really, weren't you?!

How much did you experiment and have fun before your marriage? Was marriage the "next step" in a life that seemed to be mapped out in advanced based on family expectations etc?

I ask these questions becuase that's exactly how I also ended up in a long-term marriage that stifled me. I did leave, in my late 30s, and to my amazement caught up on all the living I'd never done when younger.

I didn't have kids in the equation, though. And it all got a bit messy before it all turned great (I'm very happy now, 10 years into my second marriage, and definitely feel I have no more "itches" to "scratch"!). The messy stuff is probably what I learned most from, so I don't consider any of it a "mistake"...

I think Life sort of pokes away at us sometimes, telling us there are things we have yet to experience and grow from. Working out what to do about that can be very difficult, but denying it is really painful too.

How do you think you'll feel in 10, 20, 30 years' time if nothing changes?

I think you're missing the real issue OP, which is that you don't really like your DH any more (for good reason). It sounds like he's quite selfish and disconnected - he's left you to manage everything at home, he's complacent and yet he still expects sex. You don't sound bored, you sound really resentful and I don't think it's surprising.

DH and I have been together 23 years and I still find him incredibly sexy and exciting. A huge reason for that is because he pulls his weight in the house and with the children, he tries really hard to make my life easier, he's kind and respectful and he is just lovely to me. I like him as well as loving him. I can't imagine things ever being better with someone else.

Would you consider suggesting couple's therapy?

The drama in this post makes me feel like you already know what you want, and are trying to build the emotion and story to the point where you feel justified in taking the action that you've already decided on.

best tell your husband and talk to him sooner rather than later

I am someone who likes spontaneity, variety, travelling to new places, sparking with new people, exploring concepts, exploring new places, chasing a bit of an adventure now and again

All of this is achievable in a marriage, but may need to wait til the kids are a bit older. My BIL and SIL go on separate holidays all the time. She is big into adventure sports, he isn't. He likes golf so they take a week apart every Summer. They have separate hobbies but to me seem very together as a couple.

The dating world is total shite OP. As in total fucking shite.

If you jacked your life in you might just be swapping one life you don’t like for another life you don’t like.

If your husband is a good friend, respectful, a good father, solvent etc, then I would stay. At least for now.

Let me ask you a hard question. Are you really bored with him. Or are you bored with you.

What a beautiful post @NJLX2021