Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pension - I have none and I’m a little unsettled by DHs response!

441 replies

EllyRoff · 20/06/2025 07:54

So last night I got to thinking about pensions and realised I don’t have one! I’m no longer working (I make a small amount of money through art which DH has always been supportive with). I did have an NHS pension when I was working but DH convinced me to come out of it due to the high payments. There was barely anything in it anyway so I received the contributions back. Since then I’ve made very little contribution in national insurance etc.

DH has always said I’ll be fine in retirement as we have his good pension - but last night I thought “what if he died? Does the pension automatically come to me?” Turns out that no - it doesn’t. It goes to a named beneficiary.

So this morning I asked DH if I was named on his pension - he said “don’t worry, you’d get a state pension” !!! I said “what, £60 a week? I have none pension! Am I named on yours?” He said “why don’t you start a little savings account?”

So I’m not named on yours then?? He said “of course you are, I mean - I’ll check but I’m sure you are”. I’m very unnerved by his response - firstly his lack of concern!! Secondly his reluctance to confirm that I’m named on it. He says he’ll check today.

AIBU here? You’d think he’d want me to be ok in his death surely? Especially since it was him that convinced me to give up my own pension. He is 10 years older than me so not massively unreasonable to consider he might die before me.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
elfies · 20/06/2025 12:54

Can anyone else remember being urged to pay 'Married womens contributions' and told 'you'll allways get your pension through your husbands contributions'

Ivy888 · 20/06/2025 12:53

Sorry op, you need to take financial responsibility. It’s a bit naive to have always followed your husbands “advice” without doing your own research. Of course pension payments are costly, but surely you knew when you stopped paying (on your husband’s “advice”) it meant you wouldn’t have that pension? You can’t have something if you don’t pay into it. Also, you shouldn’t rely on being named on your husband’s pension. What happens if you get divorced next year? You are basically putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. Fwiw it doesn’t sound like your husband cares, which is not a very redeeming characteristic, but ultimately you need to make better financial decisions.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 20/06/2025 12:52

First thing to do is to check your state
pension to see what you will be entitled to, you may be able to pay class 2 voluntary national insurance contributions it’s about £3.50 a week. https://www.gov.uk/self-employed-national-insurance-rates

Self-employed National Insurance rates

National Insurance contributions if you're self-employed - rates and exceptions.

https://www.gov.uk/self-employed-national-insurance-rates

Holluschickie · 20/06/2025 12:47

Are you named on his pension or not? Check asap.

Justaminit · 20/06/2025 12:44

LakieLady · 20/06/2025 09:09

Pension credit is only around £3pw less than full state pension now: £227-odd v £230-odd.

It's one of the reasons pensioners were so pissed off when the WFA was restricted to pension credit claimants. It mean that pensioners who had never worked got more from the state than those who'd worked all their lives.

Show quote history

Pension credit is a 'top up' . Means tested and dependent on income , partners income, health, caring responsibilities and savings and capital. It's not a set weekly amount.

missindependant3 · 20/06/2025 12:43

Never depend on a bloke! If you haven’t paid for 30 years into your NI you won’t get a state pension. I live my financial life like I’m independent - my father taught me early never rely on men!!!! (Been married 19 been together 25!)

pelargoniums · 20/06/2025 12:42

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/06/2025 08:06

Tbh the fact that he thought you should come out of the NHS pension scheme is a red flag that his decisions aren’t rooted in financial good sense. Why on earth did you agree to that?

Yes! It’s worryingly passive of the OP to be all, “DH suggested it so I did it!” If he told you to jump off a cliff, would you?

Do the art as a hobby around a full-time job like everyone else does.

Fr1tter5 · 20/06/2025 12:41

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/06/2025 12:37

@Fr1tter5

Only 22% of autistic people are in employment. Autism brings with it a huge amount of financial difficulties.
You can say it’s not a free pass all you like but it won’t make the challenges disappear.

Of course it brings challenges and financial difficulties. But what are you suggesting is the solution? For all autistic women to rely on their husbands for financial support without any input or oversight?

If that stat about 22% of autistic people being in employment is right presumably that's men and women? But autistic men don't tend to opt out of the workforce in large numbers and hand over all oversight of their financial wellbeing to their wives.

Let's be clear, this is an issue affecting women: they choose, for one of a variety of possible reasons, some sensible and some less so, to opt out of working and they assume that their husband will take care of the finances by default until they wake up and realise it's too late.

I'm not saying everyone needs to work their whole lives but it's worrying that so many people sleepwalk into these situations without being probably informed of what's involved and assume that their husband or male partner will take care of this. Women and girls need to be far better educated around the risks associated with this.

Autism presents differently in men and women.

Bedknobsandhoovers · 20/06/2025 12:40

I'm sure the named beneficiary detail can be sorted?

My DS has named his partner on her teacher's pension's details - they aren't married.

For a teacher's pension a married partner doesn't need to be named - unless it's changed. but the survivor only gets half(?)

Can you pay back missing years into your NHS pension - of by getting contributions back did it close it?

You can pay into state pension funds - I did as I retired from teaching early and so missed those years. Its fairly cheap, I only have to life a couple of years and I'm in profit.

Your boat might, sadly, have sailed - but for others considering having a pensions holiday, closing it as its costly - don't. Just don't.

My DS and her late husband did this. Overspending, drink, going out, gambling meant they were always short of cash - and so they pulled out of her pension. (You could back then - you can't now.)

Fast forward. He gets ill, sadly dies. She'd like to retire. Little pension means she's not in a good position to do so.

Hope you can get it all sorted.

CantHoldMeDown · 20/06/2025 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/06/2025 12:37

@Fr1tter5

Only 22% of autistic people are in employment. Autism brings with it a huge amount of financial difficulties.
You can say it’s not a free pass all you like but it won’t make the challenges disappear.

Of course it brings challenges and financial difficulties. But what are you suggesting is the solution? For all autistic women to rely on their husbands for financial support without any input or oversight?

If that stat about 22% of autistic people being in employment is right presumably that's men and women? But autistic men don't tend to opt out of the workforce in large numbers and hand over all oversight of their financial wellbeing to their wives.

Let's be clear, this is an issue affecting women: they choose, for one of a variety of possible reasons, some sensible and some less so, to opt out of working and they assume that their husband will take care of the finances by default until they wake up and realise it's too late.

I'm not saying everyone needs to work their whole lives but it's worrying that so many people sleepwalk into these situations without being probably informed of what's involved and assume that their husband or male partner will take care of this. Women and girls need to be far better educated around the risks associated with this.

Noodledog · 20/06/2025 12:35

Leo800 · 20/06/2025 10:53

That’s peanuts to live on though. Most people would need/want more than that.

Show quote history

And it probably become lower, if not stopped all together in the future.

Harrysmummy246 · 20/06/2025 12:33

yabu to assume it's down to him to make sure you're ok at this fairly late stage in the opportunity to deal with it

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/06/2025 12:29

Yogabearmous · 20/06/2025 07:56

You should never rely on anyone else financially. Can you get a job now ? If you haven’t paid full national insurance you won’t get a full state pension either. You are in a very vulnerable position here.

Exactly. It's very very frustrating the amount of women who keep giving their financial independence up for men.

@EllyRoff he convinced you to give up your pension contributions etc but hey you didn't have access to his or proof/confirmation that your this beneficiary etc, you gave it all up based on "his word".

In addition to obviously making sure you are added to his pension and other investments as his beneficiary and making sure he writes a will naming you, you need to confirm how much state pension you actually qualify for and if there are any gaps so you can work with him to make the NI payments for the gap to maximize your state pension. And you need to get back to work and prioritize building your own savings and pension from now.

This is a lesson for others, you can be a great wife and mother without giving up your financial security and being so dependent on a man.

Fr1tter5 · 20/06/2025 12:28

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/06/2025 12:23

@Fr1tter5

Of course it is and very much ADHD related too ( the two are often intertwined).

It may well be autism/ADHD related but its not a free pass to just wash your hands of it and hope your husband comes through.

I'm rubbish with financial planning and find it both stressful and boring which is a lethal combination. I can think of few things which stress me out more than thinking about money. Which is why I hire a financial adviser when I need to. I'm not married but there's no way on earth I would just cross my fingers and hope my husband had it all covered.

Well as we all know if you’ve met one autistic person….

Only 22% of autistic people are in employment. Autism brings with it a huge amount of financial difficulties.

You can say it’s not a free pass all you like but it won’t make the challenges disappear.

blueshoes · 20/06/2025 12:24

WayneH · 20/06/2025 12:13

The only happy way is to die as soon as possible, and no more concerns about pension.

The other way, if OP's dh does not immediately put her as a beneficiary on his pension or add a widow's pension, is to divorce him. This will divide his assets up front (without waiting for him to die) and will deprive him of OP to care for him.

As he is 10 years' older, he is likely to need care from OP at some point rather than the other way round.

OP should clarify how old she is.

P1g1nspaceacorns · 20/06/2025 12:23

If you are not working
Each person can pay up to a maximum of £2880 into a SIPP per year
You will receive the 20% tax rebate on top free.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/06/2025 12:23

@Fr1tter5

Of course it is and very much ADHD related too ( the two are often intertwined).

It may well be autism/ADHD related but its not a free pass to just wash your hands of it and hope your husband comes through.

I'm rubbish with financial planning and find it both stressful and boring which is a lethal combination. I can think of few things which stress me out more than thinking about money. Which is why I hire a financial adviser when I need to. I'm not married but there's no way on earth I would just cross my fingers and hope my husband had it all covered.

FamBae · 20/06/2025 12:22

Hi Op, I just want to say, please don't be put off by the you should have done this, that and the other brigade, I'm sure you've already told yourself that. There is some very helpful advice on here if you can keep ploughing through. 💐

P1g1nspaceacorns · 20/06/2025 12:21

Suggest that you check this too

State retirement age is currently 66 but going up to 68, 68 depending on your current age

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Check your State Pension forecast

Find out how much State Pension you could get (your forecast), when you could get it and how you could increase it

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Fr1tter5 · 20/06/2025 12:20

Applesonthelawn · 20/06/2025 12:06

With respect, a lack of focus on financials does not necessarily sound like it is autism related, although I get that the anxiety may be. I am also autistic.

No woman ever should assume her husband has all the financial planning sorted. Never.

Make sure you are named as the beneficiary and make sure he doesn't change it (he can change the beneficiary back again whenever he chooses without telling you).

Of course it is and very much ADHD related too ( the two are often intertwined).

WayneH · 20/06/2025 12:13

The only happy way is to die as soon as possible, and no more concerns about pension.

Applesonthelawn · 20/06/2025 12:06

With respect, a lack of focus on financials does not necessarily sound like it is autism related, although I get that the anxiety may be. I am also autistic.

No woman ever should assume her husband has all the financial planning sorted. Never.

Make sure you are named as the beneficiary and make sure he doesn't change it (he can change the beneficiary back again whenever he chooses without telling you).