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Original poster

Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

189 replies

Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:01

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:37

Father is out working and son is at youth club so thank you very much but don't state things you don't know.

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 19/06/2025 21:37

Yes apologise for swearing, take her with you to the supermarket and without making a big deal if it let her pick out new pants and her choice washing liquid. A mesh bag to keep her stuff separate is a good idea. Let her put whatever sanpro etc she needs in the trolley too.

Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:35

Yes, we have full time. I don't think it's the privacy or embarrassed of an outsider thing anymore as hubby has said she has always been like this, as a single dad and whilst being with her mother.

We had a situation similar, though not as bad fortunately as found a small pile of wet clothes with maggot larvae on them when she was around 7 or 8. Not sure if it was juice or pee, hubby seems to think she peed herself and left the clothes there.

OP posts:
Bunnie007 · 19/06/2025 21:34

Obviously not ok that she is not respecting her bedroom. But as you obviously really swearing at her is not OK. I think you should give her a genuine apology. Not a ‘sorry but’. Once things have calmed down ie not tonight. Meet with her and her Dad to discuss some rules around putting stuff in the wash. Perhaps it would work if she had set times/days and could put her clothes straight into the washing machine (and be shown how to use it). So if there is any element of embarrassment around anyone seeing soiled items then that solves it. For tonight though, your relationship with her is more important than this and apologising and repairing any upset is going to go a long way.

Fargo79 · 19/06/2025 21:34

Have either of her actual parents taught her any life skills? How to care for herself? How to use the washing machine?

Maybe she absolutely hates her stepmother rifling through her dirty underwear and talking to her about "changing bodies" and she has no way to communicate that. These are things her parents should be doing.

Hedgehogbrown · 19/06/2025 21:32

Also, she was having a nice moment in the bed with you (and presumably her Father) and you started asking her about her dirty knickers? What the hell? You aren't her Mother!

Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:30

Sorry, I don't mean soiled as in had an accident. Just mean like dried up poo on them and skid marks on them.

OP posts:
Hedgehogbrown · 19/06/2025 21:30

Why is this your job, and not your husband's? No way would I want my Dad's girlfriend messing with my dirty underwear. Yes I said girlfriend because there is no difference in status in the eyes of a child forced to live with you.

Cherrysoup · 19/06/2025 21:29

Is she with you full time? I’m afraid I’d be violating her privacy, going in, clearing the bomb site. A friend’s dd had plates under the bed with maggots on them. Can you reinforce the no food upstairs thing?

Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:28

Yes, she is generally quite disorganised. And I recently brought her new underwear around 3 months ago on top of the ones she already had and asked her if she needed more I could get more so it's not a case of them being too small or not enough and we've already had the 'changing bodies and smells/hygiene' talk.

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 19/06/2025 21:28

Are none of you worried about why she is soiling her underwear so often? It's not common for 12 year olds to no be able to control their bladder or bowel movements.

CowboyJoanna · 19/06/2025 21:27

Sounds like she's become lazy. If her things don't go in the basket, they don't get washed. Then if she wakes up without any clean underwear...that's on her.

GloryDias · 19/06/2025 21:27

Could she have started her periods and is embarrassed?

PluckyBamboo · 19/06/2025 21:26

If it's not in the laundry basket, it doesn't get washed. Let her run out of pants.

My son went through a phase of leaving his clothes all over the floor and that was soon sorted when he had nothing left to wear. Incidentally the day he finally tan out of pants and filled up the laundry basket was the day I taught him how to use the washing machine. He's an extremely house trained and house proud adult now!

wizzywig · 19/06/2025 21:22

She sounds like a hoarder. I have never heard of situation with the suitcase.

Tagyoureit · 19/06/2025 21:19

Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:10

I used to take the dirty laundry out myself and tidy up her room, but it literally would be a bomb site the next day. We've made the rule of no food or drinks upstairs about 3 times now, but we slowly drift back into it, trusting her not to make a mess. Once she managed to fill up an empty suitcase in her room from holiday with a stack of empty plates and cups which had gotten moldy once I found them during a deep clean. There used to be sweet and crisp wrappers on the floor and behind her bed and glasses everywhere. And her toys and things just scattered about.

This is disgusting! No way would have that!

stargazer02 · 19/06/2025 21:17

Missed a lot while I was typing my reply! Is she generally quite disorganised? Or do you think this is a rebellion of sorts?

mondaytosunday · 19/06/2025 21:17

Is this the first time you’ve ever shouted/sworn at her? That’s amazing. Of course swearing didn’t help, particularly as she seems to have always had an issue with personal wear, but it’s not that bad.

Does she have her own laundry basket in her room? Or, even better, show her how to work the machine.

stargazer02 · 19/06/2025 21:15

Can you go and apologize?
"I feel a bit exasperated at the laundry situation but I didn't handle it right. Im sorry I swore (looks like you are, from your post!). Now you are 12 I'm wondering if you have any ideas how we can work together to make sure you always have all the clean clothes you need? " (Does her underwear still fit? Prefer a mesh laundry bag for pants and then she can hang them to dry in her own room? Would she like to do her own laundry and pick a detergent she likes the smell of etc.)

12 is such a tricky age (dd2 is 11.5 and I can feel it creeping in!) For laundry she had the choice to use her basket or to wash her own.

Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:15

Sleepover happen in the sitting room. But I have told her, what would friend think if she chooses to let them into her room. Right now we've ripped the carpet out and repainted the room and in the middle of a makeover. Tbh hubby has chosen to postpone this for over a month now! I tell him this is torture, but he wants to teach her a lesson, but this is too much.

OP posts:
TourangaLeila · 19/06/2025 21:14

Um, why do you want people to talk about a 12 year old girl and her soiled underwear?

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2025 21:14

Is there a reason she's hiding her underwear? I'd look into that before I started any punishments for not putting them in the laundry.

Dangermoo · 19/06/2025 21:12

Glitchymn1 · 19/06/2025 21:09

🤣

Show quote history

😆 🤣

Original poster
Humal93 · 19/06/2025 21:12

But now I tell her if it's not in the basket, it's not getting washed so I won't be coming in there to wash anything myself.

OP posts:
Glitchymn1 · 19/06/2025 21:11

It’s nothing she won’t have heard before. It’s pretty disgusting of her- she’s 12! Does she have sleepovers? What happens then?
Tell her to put them in the machine, if she won’t answer you I think she’s being lazy.