Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

Well u bin half of them and then after 4/5 days when she learns she has no clean underwear she will have to put them in the basket. New house rules no washing unless in the basket that includes school uniforms if u go in dirty clothes its on you

Dreadful why?

The OP swore at her through frustration at this dirty job she’s somehow been left to do.

Privacy can’t be expected to fully be respected when someone isn’t just messy, they’re dirty and are causing potential issues for others in the home.

“Supporting her to be more independent” at this age usually involves days out alone, public transport alone, managing a personal budget. Not this.

They need to be going in hard and fast before this becomes even more of an issue.

All of this 👆

Sounds like a much bigger issue going on here. Did she live full time with her dad after the split? This might have been when it started, she was probably too embarrassed to say anything and unless he addressed it with her what does he expect.
Has he had a chat with her about it? Is he leaving it to you because it makes him uncomfortable? If that's the case then that might explain the behaviour in the first place.

This. My DD (11) is not much better though thank goodness they are not soiled often any more.
Both DCs wash their clothes every weekend and with DD I or DH supervise picking up her clothes off the floor or behind the bed most nights before bed.

I came on here thinking it was a silence of the lambs thread, I'm so disappointed

@Humal93 have you tried just giving her a laundry basket in her room?

I was similar at her age (now going through ASD/ADHD diagnosis as my dc are diagnosed).

Once a week just ask her to to put her washing straight in the machine, maybe teach her to use it, I do this with my DD’s, both have always been pretty unhygienic but neither are embarrassed about it.

Try not to make a huge deal out of it, just get her to help with the washing, she’s old enough to put her clothes in the wash.

I was always embarrassed about my mum washing my dirty underwear, especially once I started my periods….and just before.

This is dreadful advice.

OP, I hope you can apologise for swearing at her and that you and her father can come up with a plan to support her to be more independent and take care of herself. Reading between the lines, her mum doesn't appear to be on the scene much or at all. That's very difficult for any child, but especially when she's at an age where she's going through some big changes. She needs privacy - it's not right that her dad's wife is going through her used underwear - but with that comes responsibility. And she needs compassionate leadership and support to be able to handle the responsibilities and care for herself.

Ouch. I’m really feeling for this kid. She must be mortified. It’s bad enough having to handle mighty body changes and all the bewilderment that comes with it but being shamed on every level Is bang out of order. Sorry (not sorry) to bring up neurodiversity but my autistic DD s room always has been like this, and she struggled with self care all though puberty. Be kind- people saying she should have grown out of this- at 12 she’s still a child.

Maybe she is having her periods but can’t tell her dad to buy her new pants and sanitary towels so she’s having to throw her pants away.

It sounds like there are maybe wider issues at play here, but tbh who likes seeing/handling other people’s dirty undies OR having yours handled by someone else : I didn’t as a teen

OP: how about getting some of those mesh laundry bags and asking her to put them in that, then they go directly into the washer in the bag. This is what we do for guests/if staying with family ourselves for a bit of privacy

I think if a 12yo is soiling and hiding soiled underwear, I'd be wondering what was behind that behaviour. Is there something making her unhappy or stressed? It's unlikely to be just bad behaviour, and she may not clearly know herself why she does it.

Yes, it's exasperating to have to clean up, but swear at her won't help.

Why has your husband never taught her how to wipe her bum? You state he has said she has always been like this? So why did he not nip it in the bud when she was a young child?

This is quite disturbing OP, it's not normal at her age and I'd be really concerned about it and definitely not shouting or swearing at her. It's the sort of thing that I would put down to a child being autistic because it's extremely rare for an NT child to not care about that sort of thing - that or CSA.

That is a child that needs help, not a kid that needs swearing at. Untidy is perfectly normal, leaving soiled knickers around the place really is not.

Tell her father what you've told us, then tell him he's responsible for her laundry from now on. Then forget about it

These posters being given their kids clean washing to wash again deserve some sort of sainthood for not losing their minds.

I think it’s a shame that her female role model is the one doing all the laundry…

That aside, my dd has similar traits - hoarding (bits of crap and rubbish) and being unorganised and a bit slovenly. She has an ADHD diagnosis.

Has she maybe started her periods and doesn't know what to do or how to say,?

I'd be more worried about why a 12 year old girl is soiling her knickers. Without being graphic is it just not wiping properly or incontinence?

Either way I'd be concerned something else was going on?

This is where being a SP is a nightmare.

You’re stuck with shitty underwear in your home, but if you tackle the issue head on, you’re overstepping/making it awkward/doing her bio parents job.

If you do nothing, your house will be crawling (especially with the mouldy food too).

IMO, she isn’t taking appropriate care of herself or her surroundings, so clearly needs an adult to step in and do it for her. Not in a million years would I tolerate shitty underwear and mould. It’s incredibly disrespectful and obviously unhygienic.

1. No food (or drinks?) upstairs. No exceptions. Take food upstairs and there’s a consequence waiting. No weekend fun, devices gone, wifi turned off…whatever it is.
2. Washing in the basket/machine every morning before school. No exceptions. If it’s not done, then it’s no treat/devices/pocket money.
3. If her room is still a bomb site, tell her you/her dad will go in every Sunday evening and anything lying on the floor will be put right into a black bag and taken to the outside bin. Clothes, tech, schoolwork…anything.

I think you & her dad need to be united on this. Tell her you don’t want to do these things but her attitude and behaviour are showing you that she needs help. That might jolt her into taking some responsibility.

Some of it will be the age she’s at, my son is the same age and totally disorganised. His room is a tip, at first I used to say I wasn’t washing clothes that weren’t in his laundry bin, it’s in his room so he has no excuse…. But then he’d bring down 2 weeks worth at once, run out of school clothes etc which I just found more frustrating. I keep telling him about plates and cups in his room, I was pulling my hair out.
My Dad said I always had a ‘floordrobe’ at that age and that he used to find himself washing socks still paired from when he had put a washing pile on my bed to put away and I would chuck it on the floor and then put it back down to be washed…. Apparently at some points he had no crockery in the cupboards as it was in my brothers room congealing.
He reassured me that despite these failings when we were younger we’re nice grown ups and obviously grew out of our slovenly ways 😂 Hearing him laugh about it, and how he said it was sweet revenge for my untidiness made me relook at how I was handling it.
Now everyday I go into his room when he’s not there and literally spend 2 mins picking up the clothes from his floordrobe, I chuck them on a wash and then put them away once done.
Everything else gets left until either his Dad goes on a lecturing spree or it’s even too messy for him to tolerate.
I would just grab her stuff off the floor and chuck it into the wash or get her Dad to if you don’t want to deal with it.

Let her wash her own. Teach her how and set a schedule so she does it weekly. "Have you not worn any underwear to school because I haven't seen any" isn't a simple question - it's massively embarrassing and uncomfortable for a kid of that age who may not even know why it's uncomfortable to answer.

Some posters may have forgotten how it felt when puberty began to kick in and parents were still doing all our laundry. It feels to some like a total denial of privacy.

Seems like there's a whole separate issue about her not keeping her room in good order, so it's odd to focus on the underwear rather than addressing the issue as a whole? On the off-chance that you're not a genuine poster, but some creep getting a kick out of this discussion, should that be the case I hope your own underwear spontaneously combusts.

I hacve a 12yo dd and she leaves underwear (and all her other clothes) all over the floor and I'm always in her room saying "why can't you out your dirty clothes in the bloody laundry basket, I'm not your slave"....Or if she's having a tidy week she will put everything even clean laundry into the laundry basket and then I moan about that too. I think it's pretty normal for a 12yo....they are half little girl half teenager and never quite sure which one they want to be. Plus who's got time to put laundry in the right place when you could be applying cosmetics, spraying impulse all over your hair or scattering Loom bands all over the house.

Wait...maggots got in it
DH just saying she was always like this so it's fine?
Fuck privacy, that place is a bloody pigpen and DH needs to wobble his head and fumigate that room