Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

Yes she can, girls always used to be taught to wash their pants, often at night when they bathed. It doesn't take long. It's all about self respect. She's at the right age to be doing that.

This isn't normal. At 7 or 8 you should have been in her room enough to notice this before it grew maggots. Poo marks on her underwear isn't normal at that age either. She should know how to wipe herself properly.

I know she's twelve now and you need to start navigating more privacy. But I don't understand how you and her father were so hands off at 7.

Poor girl something is wrong.

I started asking my similar daughter to just put her own clothes in machine and then you don’t see the soil. I still have to have the odd convo about only 3 pairs of pants in a week’s wash tho

Massive amount of projection going on here.
have you had any counselling, it would be a good idea.

I think I would initially try to deal with it subtly. Mesh wash bags as someone suggested, and/or giving her a dedicated time to use the washing machine and a clothes horse for her room to dry her clothes and underwear so she has that option. Maybe get wipes for the bathroom along with toilet paper. She must be so embarrassed.

It doesn't matter what it "usually involves". Children are individuals and good parents treat them as such. That means meeting their specific needs and adapting to the challenges in front of you. Coaching the child to overcome their own challenges and develop life skills and independence. The fact that OP is frustrated and has been left with the job of parenting is not the child's fault; it's her dad's. It should be her actual parents doing this work.

Your list of instructions to OP was punitive, arbitrary, aggressive and failed to consider the context of the behaviour or address the actual root causes. It's lazy parenting to just dish out punishments without putting in any effort to understand why this child is - to use your own word - not behaving in a "usual" way, nor make efforts to teach them skills and routines with compassion. Not to mention it's expensive and wasteful. Throw tech items and clothing in the bin if they are (shock horror) left on the floor?

Yabu

This is a lovely suggestion as opposed to some unkind inflammatory ones. My thought was to wonder if your DSD is on the spectrum and struggling with puberty and personal hygiene. Many do at this age. There’s got to be a reason for hiding soiled underwear beyond ‘just laziness’.

Yeah my thoughts too.

My sil is exactly the same and has recently been diagnosed with adhd and this is one of the lesser known symptoms of adhd.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/assets/resources/understanding-and-supporting-my-childs-adhd.pdf

This. Lazy dropping of clothes/kicking them to the side to make the room seem clearer when they’ve been asked to tidy their room but can’t be bothered is very common at that age. Hiding soiled knickers isn’t. Neither is having poo stains/skid marks. Really, really not usual by the age of 12.
Doing it repeatedly over time implies that she knows it isn’t right but doesn’t know what to do/isn’t in control of it happening.
Counsellor, GP, would consider both. Someone mention up thread about constipation/overflow issues, stress, other issues with continence. Could be anything but good to rule out things that need treatment.

Could she have ADHD?

To me it just sounds like no one has ever actually shown her things and so she just doesn't know.

Her dad says she was always like this, but did anyone teach her anything different when she was younger? Did he/you teach her how to clean herself up properly so she's not making a mess of her underwear? Has she been shown how to use the washing machine or told she can use it?

The food in bedroom thing is hard to avoid completely though. You either have to be really strict about it or check the room more often so nothing goes mouldy...

OP what is your relationship with her like generally? I would stop all food and drink upstairs immediately but you lead by example so it has to be consistent for all of you.
Does she shower daily? Maybe start there so you know she is cleaning her bum properly in the shower, if wiping after a poo leaves some residue that transfers to her underwear. In our house the kids clean their bedrooms every weekend, without exception. They have the privilege of their own bedrooms but the pay off is that they keep them clean. Show her how to use the washing machine and give her a washing basket.
Good luck, pre teenage and teenage girls can be difficult and it will be testing. She may be embarrassed to talk to you but her father and you need to work out the best approach.

Her father needs to take her to the doctor. Does she have encopresis? I’d be concerned about overflow if the soiling is dry, gritty, hard to clean.

My instinct is that something’s not right. Leaving clothes where they drop is isn’t unusual, but specifically hiding soiled underwear plus throwing a strop when asked to put it in the washing basket feels like something’s wrong. I might be tempted to send her to counsellor to see if they can ask the right questions to find out why.

You would want to have a conversation about this with your father instead, as a pre teen girl? She hasn’t taken up with the Dad and walked in off the street last Tuesday, she’s known this girl half her life. My DSD is a couple of years younger, I’ve been in her life for 8 years, and she would 100% rather talk to me than her Dad about stuff like that simply because I’m a woman and she feels comfier! She and her Dad are very close and get plenty of 1:1 time but she and I are close too and when it comes to facts of life/changing bodies she definitely comes to me over him even just to clarify things she’s heard at school etc.

This child seems to have the hide of a rhino no way will children of this age not have noticed the stink of an unclean butt

Either way she needs her dad to give her excruciating instructions on wiping and putting her clothes in the wash no more pandering I have a 12 year old with sen he puts his clothes in the basket yes sometimes I have to raise my voice but he does it and if he messes about I make him pick you his big brothers socks too for practice (16 year old lazy boy who clears up once a week minimum)

1. Is she soiling her pants because she is constipated /has overflow ? See below, she might need to see GP

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling/

1. Is she specifically hiding/embarrassed about the underwear or is it just part of the general chaos? If it is the underwear, who is close to her to just try and talk kindly about it? You, her dad, a female relative? Could you give her options- eg. to have a little bag in her room to collect them and then put them into wash herself?

Sounds like she has run out of pants and gone to school without any on.

I was terribly untidy child, couldn’t see the floor in my room. Some people need teaching, I would have appreciated it! Probably will be told I was just a dumb child but some people just really struggle with that sort of thing. Leading by example doesn’t cut it sometimes (not that my parents were particularly tidy!).

If it’s skids rather than actual soiling then she’s not wiping properly. Someone didn’t teach her.

IMO you need to apologise and ask that she speaks to you, her dad, another family member or trusted adult about personal hygiene.

While doing up her room put a washing basket in. Teach her to use the washing machine and support her to start looking after her own space and belongings.

I'm wondering that too.

She is related - she has been her step mother for 5 years.

"Just a simple question" 🙄