Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

Same here I must’ve been about five when my mum taught me.
My husband actually had to speak to his ex about it, and she openly admitted doing it! We were both like, “What?!” That’s why I’m starting to wonder if this might be a similar situation.

I’m always amazed how many girls want to grow up so quickly shopping at Sephora, acting like adults but still miss the basics. Things like personal hygiene, washing their face properly…

And just because they spray a whole bottle of perfume on themselves doesn’t mean they’re clean
😬

I don’t understand the drama. Surely, at some point she will discover she has no clean underwear to wear. Then the problem will be solved. She will put it all out, and then you just do it n your usual schedule, which means she wears dirty underwear for a few days meanwhile, and that’s on her. That’s what happened with mine and at some point the penny dropped if they didn’t put washing out they had to wear dirty undies/clothes and this was their own fault. Then habits start to change.

Why cause all this fuss and demand to know whether undies have been worn to school🙄.

Oh my gosh! 😮
I’m old, in my 60s & I honestly don’t remember how old I was when I was wiping my own bum but it was school age - 5, at least - so that I managed at school and away from home.
I imagine that must’ve been quite awkward for your stepdaughter.
Her mother did her no favours.

And you got the worst of it. I’m very sorry.

My eldest was shocking at that age. Just disgusting. Not with soiled pants etc, but leaving dirty clothes, rubish in her room - told her mice were running around her room.She had her own ensuite too - which was horrid.
By 17 she was the cleanest kid i've known - on her own as i gave up. She moved out last year and is very tidy now too. Just to give you hope past this stage!

Not in the basket = not washed, it's not that hard.
I always say - I ain't your housekeeper !! I happily do chores, washing etc, but I'm not picking up from the floor.

Sounds like she has to learn hard way, but also, is she living with you 100% ? I'm asking as we got part time living with us and we also had an issue with soiled underwear when she was about 7/8. Turned out, her mother was still wiping her bum !!! So when she was at ours or at school she was not doing it properly or at all 🥲

Please will you quote people when you're replying.

People are giving you a lot of advise.
My mum never once apologised to me. She even punched me in the face once when she thought I was late - I wasn’t, it was her mistake.
Don’t violate her privacy? Is that a joke? She has no right to privacy in YOUR house, unless maybe she’s in the bathroom.
My mum started us out young folding the clean clothes out of the dryer - as I got older, it became a fun time to share gossip and to catch up with Mum. The clothes would be done in no time.
The clothes in the bedroom - my Nana used to say how it was so much easier just to hang your clothes up after you wore them. No, Nana, it’s really so much easier just to toss them aside.
i think it’s teen-itis.
My mum died when she was 96 - laundry and teenage drama were not the things we spoke about at the end.
I wish you and your stepdaughter a long and happy life together. ❤️

Missing the point a bit but how do you not find dirty clothes long enough for them to have maggot larvae on ffs? And a suitcase full of mouldy pots?

Why would you spoil a nice family moment together by bringing up a matter that is embarrassing and shaming, in front of her father too ?
Why has she had no bedroom carpet for a month as a punishment?
There is something going on here!

I wouldn't worry. If she won't listen to you and show a bit of respect, perhaps shock tactics is what is needed. On a seperate note though, has she been to the docs about the soiling? She may need checking out. Best of luck 💐

By 12 she should know how to clean herself after the toilet. It’s neglectful that you both are aware that she cannot clean herself and you haven’t taught her to do it properly. This is the issue, not you having said the f word to her.

I wanted to offer a different perspective on this and I’m not saying this is what’s happening at all but thought it may be helpful.

I would often stash dirty underwear around my room at this age. I didn’t know how to wipe properly and I don’t recall ever being taught, although I’m sure I must have been at some point. On top of this, I was always constipated & would regularly go weeks without passing stool. I would then be scared to ‘go’ as it was always really painful, bit of a never ending cycle.

When I started having periods at 12, id often use bunched up loo roll because I didn’t have sanitary towels. Had I have asked my DM I’m sure she would have bought some but i always felt very embarrassed. I’d wait for DM to leave the house so I could hand wash & hair dry all my underwear quickly.

I also didn’t know that you had to physically wash or use soap in the bath so up until about 14 would just sit in a bath of warm water which probably didn’t help.

I’d have loved for my DM to show me how to use the machine in either a ‘no pressure, here if you need it’ kind of way or asked me to wash my own clothes on a rota. I remember feeling really ashamed. I’m neurotypical afaik fwiw, just had no understanding of basic hygiene.

This - screams adhd which I have and forever had a messy room when younger

I think you need to sit her down for one uncomfortable, but kind conversation. Let her know that she needs to ensure she is keeping her body clean, and is wiping properly after using the toilet, and showering daily. If she doesn't want anyone else to handle her worn underwear, she needs to either put them straight into the washing machine herself, or into a net bag in the wash bin. I think having her own wash bin in her room is a good idea, perhaps you could get into the routine of ensuring she has put any dirty clothes from the day into it just before she brushes her teeth at night.

I know she'll be mortified to be having the conversation, but you can tell her that if she does as she's asked, you won't need to have it again, but if it continues, we're going to have to keep talking about dirty knickers and wiping your bum every day!

I’d be thinking about chronic constipation too if she regularly has skid marks.

And if she hasn’t started her periods she soon will. That’s a whole new area of potential embarrassment and nastiness.
You need a basket of products already available, ready to use, clear unembarrassed demonstrations (you have her full time, so you’re her female reference point, SD or not) and a simple way to dispose of her sanpro. Maybe a good moment to repeat good wiping methods. Wet wipes next to the toilet?

I’d avoid period pants and tampons at the start. Nobody wants TSS from a forgotten tampon.

I’d go down the route of saying
“Sweetheart, I’m just about to do a white/dark/red load. Can you quickly put what needs washing from your bedroom straight into the machine?” and stay nearby until she does. Then show her how the machine works.
Same for dirty plates.
Once she’s clear and in a routine she can do it herself.

I’ve stuck by the - if it isn’t in the wash basket it doesn’t get washed; if it’s still in your room then you can wear it (ie you need to put it in the charity bag when it doesn’t fit anymore etc) it’s working, very slowly, but keep on with the same side - no food in bedroom , no drinks if you can’t bring the cup back down etc. tbf my DH (Step dad) is tighter on this than me, but absolutely rightly so - I am not doing her any favours by letting her off basic stuff)

I wonder if she doesn't know to wipe her bum properly or if she has sphincter issues or tag, piles that prevent proper cleaning. Probably unusual to have piles as you as 7 or even at 12. Forget you loosing your shit today (pun only half intended). Talk about poo and wiping. May be find truly flushable wipes (I wouldn't trust her not to flush the unflushable wws given what you have said about her). Talk to her later that using the f word wasn't right but it was out of frustration. May be get her to gp (for her) to discuss this

Show her how to use the washing machine - she’s old enough (having similar with my 12 yo) so she can do her own if she’s embarrassed.
but, why isn’t her Dad talking to her about this?

Was she having a traumatic childhood at her mums? This sounds much bigger than just being a bit messy dirty?? It’s quite worrying

My thoughts went to much the same place. Continence issue, CSA, history of neglect or abuse. There are red flags here that make me really uncomfortable. Especially that her father thinks this is normal and shrugs it off.

OP, is it possible she has a phobia? Her behaviour sounds abnormal. Kids can be pretty scruffy, but I’d never heard of filling a suitcase with unwashed crockery or hiding clothes from being washed.

I knew of someone with a phobia about washing. Apparently she would iron unwashed clothes to make them seem fresher, and wipe used dishes with a towel. She was never seen washing her hands.

I would speak to her GP, or contact a children’s charity to ask for advice. Good luck: this is a nasty situation for you, but she is clearly in distress.

At 12 she is old enough to be sorting and washing her underwear.

and if she is soiling, get her some fairy soap so she can cold wash by hand before putting them in the washing machine with other bc others.

alternatively. She should be doing a weekly undie hot wash herself.
but really sold undies should be soaked.

you are not unreasonable. The only thing you can definitely change is how you deal with this. She’s not a baby time to teach her to wash her clothes and feel the fall out of not washing them. Make sure she knows it’s not a punishment but part of growing up and being responsible. It also removes the embarrassment for her.

she really REALLY needs to be seeing the GP.

Seriously, you said the F word, you didn't poison her apples or leave her deep in the woods to perish. Everyone will move on.

My first thought was faecal impaction causing overflow; my second concern was that children who have suffered trauma sometimes do this.

Family DDP therapy needed for childhood trauma