Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

Why is she still and leaving skid marks? You seem to think.it is because she is a stroppy madam. I would start by asking myself what is troubling her.
I can imagine quite a few things from the scenario described.

OP, I am the most fastidious person when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness. So much so that my BIL jokes that he would let his children eat off the floor in our house (as long as they ate) 😂

I was sent to my paternal grandparents in early teens for summer and nobody seems to have thought how I am going to cope with periods. It was another country, remote location, no personal money. I had nothing. I did some disgusting things to cope (I will spare you the details), and one day I went to my room and it was all gone and what I needed was there. My grandmother has silently sorted me out and neither of us said a word. 35 years later I am still in awe of how she handled it. So, while your girl may have always been a bit peculiar, there maybe something that she needs graceful support with rather than punishment.

I have step children and my own children living with me. I have had occasions when one of them had 12 cups & glasses in their room, couldn't see the floor for clothes.

1 was actually that lazy (DSS) to go to the bathroom pee'd in a bottle in their room several times, I found them hidden - I went ballistic. This stopped after I called them out. And this was a few years back when he was 16/17 and moved to a downstairs bedroom where no toilet

Another has to be prompted to bring down their plates every couple of days. I have tried to do the no food or drinks upstairs which lasts for a few days then they slowly slip back into the old routine. My DSD used to bin cutlery and crockery when she 'cleaned her room', I used to have to fish it out the bin.

The clothes on the floor is a constant for all of them. I used to just go in and collect the clothing from the floordrobe and wash it then I stopped. I started making them do their own washing when they complained they had no clean clothes

I bought them all a small collapsible wash basket for each bedroom which has semi worked. I now make them do their rooms on a Sunday so I can change the beds.

Can’t understand her dad not finishing decorating her room to “punish “ her seems very over the top and no awareness of his daughters issues she doesn’t have her mum and is living with her dad and step mum, it can’t be easy for her.
I can understand a quick swear in frustration but sounds like there is more going on here perhaps embarrassment perhaps trauma from not having her mum this doesn’t help you left dealing with it but try to acknowledge this might help lessen your frustration and messy teens often grow up to have pristine homes

Apologise, show kindness move on look at home pictures talk to her about the reasons and get her room sorted.

I would just leave it you’re fine. My son stomped up the stairs yesterday DH said don’t stamp your feet and I (brilliantly) added OR MY FOOT WILL STOMP ON YOUR ARSE I got the the bottom of the stairs and me and son had a massive laugh 😆

She's 12 not a baby so no need to apologise. Swearing is just words, Anglo Saxon words but still just words.

Go with me here, pls give her multivitamins and omega 3 to see if this behaviour is linked to micro nutrient deficiency. Some people need more in their diet. I hope it helps.

I would buy her some nice pants. Multi pack as way of apology and reiterate that all she needs to do is put her dirty laundry in basket to wash. She won’t have been comfortable at school without underwear

You obviously haven’t had a soiler. It’s not the same thing at all as a ‘normal’ teen mess/untidiness issue. There’s something behind it that needs gentle care. It’s not as simple as ‘when she runs out she’ll wash them’. She’s embarrassed and in panic mode. She’s not thinking straight, not least because she’s 12 and if her mum isn’t around there has certainly been trauma.

not everything requires bombastic parenting. Some kids are different and need different.

At age 12 She is soiling underwear all the time? Honestly, I'd take her to the doctor to check there are no underlying health issues. And replace the carpet with hard flooring.

I agree that most 12 year olds are capable of learning to put on a wash. If I'm correct that nobody has ever actually taught this girl any life skills and that's a huge part of the reason for her lack of independence, then her dad needs to put that right because it's neglectful. And instead of being shamed, judged and sworn at for the failures of her parents to actually parent her, she needs an apology for having been neglected for so long and then to be taught how to care for herself properly without delay, so she can have some independence and privacy.
I'm honestly so upset and angry for this child. The humiliation she must feel, having her dad's wife shame her and grill her about whether she's worn underwear to school, trying to hide her soiled underwear, being punished by having no carpet in her room. The picture that's been painted of her home life is very troubling.

Please don’t make dad take over, it’s such a sensitive age, that chat with a man would probably be mortifying. you’re doing great, don’t beat yourself up. Apologise and move on. It’s good modelling for kids to see us fuck up and have to sort it out!

one other point - is any of the soiling period related?

Hate to admit it but my DD was a mucky little madam at 12, similar situation with washing and also had to be told again and again and again to get in the shower (where she just got wet and didn’t wash) and to brush her teeth which were sometimes grim.

Eventually she started taking personal hygiene more seriously but she was probably nearly 14, and she still left clothes on the floor until she went off to uni.

She is a very capable adult now whose house looks like a permanent laundry with clean washing drying everywhere.

Ok so mum out of picture and she’s hiding dirty underwear… I get your frustration but this is an issue for kindness and enquiry, not anger and punishment.

I had/have a soiler. Also hid accident pants. Embarrassment. I dig them out and throw /wash them. She has a food intolerance which causes it - could this be relevant? I have gentle chats and remind her there’s no judgement but hygiene means hiding them isn’t good. I also choose the moment carefully so she’ll be as receptive as possible.

Whatever the reason, please be gentle. Because there is a reason. If need be, go in daily and remove. She is at such a sensitive age. And without her mummy. I know it’s frustrating but this will eventually stop. It’s always just a phase.

fwiw my room was disgusting as a child. Not often dirty but sometimes yes. I wish my mum had done more than shut the door on it. I was a terribly sad child and had no pride in my space. There was a reason.

there’s always a reason. You and her dad need to try to find it. It sounds like you’re a lovely caring mum. Just step back and see this is not naughtiness, just a little girl who’s struggling. Good luck.

This
At twelve years of age boys and girls are grown up enough to be able to learn how to load, add detergent to, set the programme and switch on a washing machine.
Get her involved and give her some responsibility rather than the constant asking ‘have you done…….?

I called my son a fucking idiot for something he'd done that was pretty fucking stupid at the time. Also not my finest hour, and I apologised immediately and profusely. He's never let me forget it. He's 14 and it's become a bit of a joke between us. "Ooh, mum, are you getting angry? Are you going to call me a fucking idiot again?" 🙄

I'd apologise for swearing and ask her dad to speak with her about hygiene and putting dirty clothes, dishes or whatever where they belong.

This is such a scattered comment. Are you advocating for mistreatment of children? I can't work out the angle with the "my mum punched me for no reason and never apologised" story.
Of course children are entitled to privacy. That's just treating someone like a human being and affording them basic dignity. I'm glad you at least qualified it with "unless maybe she's in the bathroom" (maybe??!). But it's quite disturbing that you seem to be suggesting their should be no expectation of privacy for a pubescent or prepubescent girl, especially in the context of living with an unrelated person.
A healthy parent/child relationship does not involve physical or verbal abuse, or refusal to apologise when wrong, or invasion of privacy.

What a snide, snarky comment. There is nothing at all to suggest that PP is projecting (do you even know what that means?) or needs counselling FFS. They just disagree with you.

HARSH

Also if you suspect she’s not wearing underwear to school
that needs addressing it’s a safe guarding issue. I’m sorry op but you and your husband are dealing with this in a shitty manner.

Bloody hell just get her dad do go in when she’s not there and pick it up. I can’t believe this is such an issue tbh. Where is your laundry basket? If it’s in a shared area perhaps she’s embarrassed about using it shared. Get her her own basket in her room. All my kids have their own in their rooms. The poor girl, she’s 12, people
telling her to wash her own when it would obvs be beyond her. You need to tackle it straight on and perhaps teach her to wipe herself properly too - was she ever actually taught?

I see a few people have suggested she does her own washing...but if she's not managing to pick them up and put them in the laundry basket,why add more responsibility,when she's not coping with the responsibility she already has ..
She's only 12..that's still very much a child

I’m thinking there is a bigger issue here, is she embarrassed etc? Dad should be tackling this with her, not punishing her for it. As clearly that’s not working. Has she got a laundry basket in her room, maybe she can do her own washing? Whatever her reasons her reaction seems like she is embarrassed. At twelve I think you need to tread carefully.

Probably going against the grain here
But if you think she's not wearing underwear to school ,you need to go in and wash them ,untill she can manage to do it herself.
We have a number of DC with autism in our family ,plus myself,and a lot of what you say is what I have to deal with, with mine .
I just had to pick up the slack more with mine untill they could manage it themselves.
I'd worry it was a safeguarding issue going to secondary school without knickers on ..I don't think school would see it being the child's problem,
It doesn't look good if you know that's what's happening,but your /you and her dad are leaving the issue to her .
For whatever reason,she clearly can't manage what your asking of her ,so help her out a bit untill she's older and can manage ,

Where is this girls Mother?

No she is not related. She is just in a relationship with her Father.