Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

People saying the plate thing is so abnormal have clearly never patented teenage children. I mean me and my brother used to leave cups, plates on our room etc not hiding it but loads and loads of kids do this. Not to the point of maggots. But they do. This stage of her life or anyone's life is particularly difficult especially in young girls it's a really hard time. Lots of things change. I have a feeling there is much more than meets the eye to why she hides them. And if someone is making comments and asking about it and swearing she's not going to feel like she wants to tell the truth. There could be so many reasons why she does this embarrassment of bleaching or discharge, not knocking how to actually clean herself properly or maintain her hygiene. Bowel problems or IBS. Where she literally has to go to the toilet so quickly. Regularly having loose stools so no matter how much she cleans she is always having marks In them. Trauma, OCD habits and much worse problems. At 12 it's unlikely that a normal child would think oh I'm going to stash my dirty knickers. If that were me I'd be doing anything to make her feel safe and able to open up and eventually you or her dad, saying they are really worried about her because this isn't normal behaviour. But saying it in a way when she feels trusted and safe in conversation.she might feel not judged and tell you why she does it. Just my opinion but likely to be more to it

Yes, this was my thought, too, when I read the OP. My DD1 (16) has always suffered from chronic constipation because of her limited diet and she ends up with soiled knickers. (It is getting better now.) It’s very frustrating, but she does have SEN, so I’ve learned to be less frustrated over the years.

Swearing at your DSD wasn’t helpful, as she wasn’t doing it on purpose. But I really do understand the frustration.

I think a bigger picture is being missed here. Sure a messy room is a pain and pretty typical of girl that age but prior to punishing and teaching a lesson you need to get some guidance on why at 12 she is soiling underwear. Sounds to me like she is just hiding away an embarrassing issue. Bodies change and it can be a challenging time.

Leave all this to her father. Don’t get involved. Let him do her washing. YABU to swear at a 12 year old.

@Humal93 Is that it? Sounds like a very spoilt upbringing if the worst thing that happens to her is that an adult says "fuck" to her.

Just wait until she gets a job and has to work for an employer, things will be said that are a lot worse than "fuck."

I would be very worried about her.Its not normal for a girl of that age to be leaving dry poo / skid marks in her underwear. Most people would be mortified and want to clean up asap. I really hope she is not going to school without underwear on. Sounds like she needs help. Something is not right.

I completely agree with this, There’s obviously something very wrong here, she needs help and compassion I think. I’ve been through faecal impaction with one of mine, it’s easy to assume they’re not constipated because there’s still poo, but poo is still working its way round the sides.
She’s only 12, so young. I can’t imagine how she feels and why she’s doing this. Mine had messy rooms, washing all over etc etc , I gave up on the mess but did do regular washing sweeps. To those saying she should do her own washing, I’m sure they’re capable at 12 but do you really want endless small loads going in, to me the family wash all goes in together. I can imagine finding a wash on with 2 pairs of pants and a top!
All this sounds more extreme than normal teenage untidiness though, please be kind , being asked if she wore underwear to school must’ve been mortifying for her, whatever the reason.
I genuinely think in this situation I would start by quietly collecting her underwear myself and washing it so that she at least has a clean supply. Then gently move on to saying you’ve noticed the poo situation, suggesting it will be fine but might be worth asking the doctor for help- do you have a friendly female doctor or nurse ?
Then kindly but slowly start to tackle the mess etc - I feel a lot is pretty normal teenage behaviour but it’s about finding a balance you’re ok with.
I know you might think I’m just too soft but I’ve brought 3 into adulthood and they’re all perfectly clean and tidy now!
Teenage years can be so hard, I wish I’d been brought up with some compassion. I’m so close to mine .

She’s 12 and is soiling her underwear? Surely that’s a grave concern for one thing. I’d be getting her checked out. Perhaps she’s very embarrassed.

She’s old enough to do her own laundry - perhaps this could be an option?

Maybe take her out for an afternoon, just the two of you. Maybe the cinema and something to eat after.

She might open up to you about how she's feeling, and it will give you the chance to give her a gentle talk on hygiene.

I would imagine she would be bloody mortified if her dad spoke to her about her underwear.

I agree about seeing if she has a medical problem.
And stick to the no food in bedrooms rule; do not reneg.

She is a twelve year old girl so I would also insist on having more privacy in her room. No men or boys should be rummaging through her laundry.

Try out a laundry system in her room. Underwear in a bag (non see through) and whites up one end of her basket and darks and brights, the other end.

Teach your step-daughter to do one small wash load of her own undies each week.

Oh we've all done it! I used to ask and ask my DS and eventually go mental. All I ever wanted for him to have sufficient clean clothes and for me to be able to open the cabinet and have sufficient crockery and silverware to offer a guest a drink or a meal. It's not much isn't it?

One occasion he had a friend over and I only had sufficient pasta bowls for 2 so I told my DS that unless he brought everything down and washed it he would be without dinner. In front of his friend. He got a lot better after that.

This is something that should have been addressed years ago - when it first started happening.

She should have been taken to a GP to rule out faecal impaction or any other biological cause and in the absence of that then she should have been assessed to find out if she’s been SA’d.

It should never have come to this.

She’s 12. She wants and needs things from you all the time. Next time she says “can I have….can you help me with….may I?” you say, “yes, just go and get your laundry and put it in the basket and then I’ll help”. Also, she’s being weirdly resistant to a pretty normal house rule. It’s definitely time to start considering whether this is psychological rather than just poor behaviour.
When asking her for her underwear, could you hand her one of those large zip up net laundry bags to fill? The barrier of the net might make it easier for her and it would make it easier for you to see if you have been given an appropriate amount of laundry.

Ok, have you discussed this with her? The marks? Many parents don’t teach their kids to wipe properly. Easpecially importsnt with girls re front to back rule and discussing risks of UTIs etc.

have that talk first. But ask dad to ask her mum (if around) if she would prefer to have that convo with daughter. I don’t see issue with gentle discussion on these lines form step mum, but best to ask first. don’t ask dad to do it..at 12 that’s almost traumatising 😱 for a pre teen

if it’s more than just not wiping properly, then GP. it could indicate bigger issues.

make it light conversation, talk about when something like thst happened to you (make it up if have to) and that’s why we have underwear (people forget this ) . Also tlak about what happens if she has accidents on her periods. Wash out immedately in cold water, don’t leave, but where she should do this, where to leave till dry and then be able to put in laundry bag. God, my mum had a right go at me about my many accidents with periods, she seemed to lack any knowledge that it’s hot uncommon for some girls who have heavy bleeding or unreliable cycles. When I got to university and met up with my house mate, she had a pail in our bathroom spepcfically for soiled undies to soak overnight- her mum (a sexual health clinic nurse) had always done this and it was a revelation to know it was normal .

undies are there to be washed and stop outer clothes spilling. They’re doing their job. She just needs help in knowing how to deal with rinsing and managing this. Or better wiping. Or GP if she’s having issue defecating

BUT, it is still not acceptable to let her les e dirty clothes in room festering. It doesn’t let her off thst hook.

This is where my mind went, too.

"...or it gets the hose again."

I think your SD needs help.

It’s ultimately on her parental figures to ensure her environment is clean when she cannot or will not keep it so herself. She is acting in a way that outside what is considered typical for her age. I think you should attempt to get her some support. Is she disorganised in other ways? Is she an anxious child?

This.

Agree this with dad upfront though. Say she’ll not learn that clean washing doesn’t magically appear from her floor into drawers and on hangers, until she has a go at work involved and you want him to back you to the hilt.

Then one more warning…dear x, as much as we love you we do not like your lack of consideration for the jobs thst need to be done in house. At 12 you are now old enough to use a washing machine, drier or hang clothes out. And yes, even iron. I will continue to do your washing, with rest of familes, if it’s bought downstairs on first time asked, or left in proper laundry basket without prompting continuously. But if you leave it lying around, there it stays until YOU do something about it and wash it yourself. This weekend I’m going to show you how to wash your own clothes, use machine and then we’ll start on showing you how to iron over next few weeks. It’s then your decision on how you want to manage cleaning of your clothes.

same goes with all other crap in her room. If there’s any. You do not move it out . At 12 she’d needs to be tidying her own room weekly and cleaning fortnightly contingent on her receding pocket money/allowance.

kids can operate way more complex things than washers, like phones and game box, these days from a very young age. A washing machine is simple. Driers need a bit more safety awareness, but ifvyou keep it lint free if you have one it’ll not be issue. And she perfectly capable of understanding that key safety point re driers.

I know you think it’ll be slightly more expensive for her to do her own laundry in separate load , but it’s a small price worth paying for rows stopping. Yep, she’ll learn the hard way by running out of pants of school tops..but you’ll also have given her valuable life skills in knowing how to do washing, and can keep it up by occasionally asking her to put a load on, hang washing out etc

by 14 my grandmother was in domestic service. SOLEY the only house maid. Not unusual in 1930s. Solely in charge of washing, ironing, making up fires, cooking etc . By 12 she’d have already had to learn thos3 tasks at home, like most working class girls would have done. Careful supervision needed to start with, but it’s a lot safer now than back then.

by age of 11 I was doing my entire familes ironing on Sunday, that included 4 sets of top and bottom sheets and pillow cases , (flat sheets no duvet covers back then) my dads 7 cotton hankies, cotton vests, cotton y front, cotton shirts ..and my brothers school shirts. Plus mine . And anything else like table cloths, knapkins etc God I hated it, hate ironing still with vengeance. But I was more than capable of doing it safely.

oh, and show her this video too

Ha I did the rat droppings and my daughter just refused to go back in her room and slept on the sofa!

Can u text her? That's how I communicate with my 13 yr old lol. She used to leave her sanitary towels still in her knickers. I joked to her about it and now she doesn't do it anymore.

Does she get pocket money? We got a chore chart from amazon and if stepson doesn't do the items on there then we reduce pocket money. We put on there to do his washing, dust bedroom, hoover room, dishwasher, put bins out (it's got stuff on there for both me and my husband as well). And we don't bother reminding him, just deduct money when things aren't done. He was well miffed when he only recieved £15 instead of his £60 for the month and couldn't pay for his gym or hair cut.
The other option is to put black rice down in your SD room and pretend it's mice dropping and see if that makes her clean her room. I've read parents doing that and it seems to work.
Maybe she has something wrong with her belly or bum to keep leaving skid marks like constipation and then leaking poo in her knickers though so best to sit down and see if everything is OK.
Also I swore at my 17 year old stepson once after he started doing washing up with just cold water, told him to do it again and then now I was going to have to monitor him. He rudely said "well you don't have to stay up I can bloody do it on my own and now I'm going to go to bed late cos of this" (id been asking him for 45 mins to do the washing up) and I said " well clearly you f**king can't otherwise you wouldn't have tried washing up with cold bloody water and now I have to stay up late just to watch to make sure you do it properly!" and no I didn't apologise for swearing at him

Is she embarrassed about her soiled underwear and doesn't want anyone seeing/handling it? Can she have one of those zip mesh laundry bags in her room and put her underwear in that, straight into the washing machine? Do her own laundry?