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Original poster

Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

133 replies

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:29

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 22:48

I guess there is an envy element as well. I was in Catholic circles for a long time, and used to seeing people get marry at 21 after 2 years of dating.

OP posts:
BrendaSmall · 19/06/2025 22:48

If you’re flirting with other men, then you’re certainly shouldn’t be thinking about getting married to your partner!!
you sound very desperate to get married, just because you’ve got a partner it doesn’t mean there’s a rush to be married!!
I do feel for him as you sound like you’re putting a lot of pressure on him!

Subbyhubby · 19/06/2025 22:47

Sorry OP, a little lost here as doing 3 things at once, have you slept with your co worker? Or is it an ‘emotional’ misdemeanour. And does your current partner know/consent to you doing that?

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 22:45

@PeloMom Do you think this is what he means when he said those things? Or is this based on a likelihood based on his age?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 22:43

The coworker thing hasn’t gotten far. We have exchanged gazes and smiled a lot at each other. I wouldn’t want to even consider going with said coworker until I know more about him, but I recognise that by then it will probably have gone too far.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 19/06/2025 22:42

He’s at least 10 years away from having g a solid plan in his head. You should move on if you want someone who knows what they want

Subbyhubby · 19/06/2025 22:40

I think I would tread carefully here. Does you bf know about you and your coworker? If he has consented to you and your coworker it’s very tricky as you want him to marry you but you havnt been entirely honest with him about being faithful. Maybe, and if he doesn’t know, I’m not sure he’d take it well, but maybe try speaking with him first.

Amy73838 · 19/06/2025 22:37

I’d run a mile of I were him. You sound suffocating.

Glitchymn1 · 19/06/2025 22:33

I think you want things he can’t give you regardless of age. I have friends with older men that can’t or don’t want to commit for various reasons. Also female friend who won’t commit- loves being with a man she’s seeing, but doesn’t know what she wants and she’s 51.

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 22:24

I am, but he is not wrong that 23 is too young to get married. I feel like it’s going to be 50/50 what ends up happening with him, as he could easily change his mind at that age. My anxiety immediately pulls me to the fact that he has far more advantages than I do.

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 19/06/2025 22:17

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:35

He says I am being sensationalist to want to plan things through. He says he doesn’t know when he will be ready, and I should prioritise our immediate futures. What should I take from this?

That it's not working and you should end it. Are you taking on board any of these responses?

Burntlemon · 19/06/2025 21:59

I believe there is a maturity gap between men and women of about 3-4 years.

I have sons around 24.
Honestly, they really are not thinking of marriage and I would be completely horrified to hear this.

You are 4-5 years older, plus another few in maturity.

He's not thinking marriage if he has an ounce of sense.

Move on. Start dating a couple of years older than you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/06/2025 21:47

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:02

If me and my partner don’t end up being together, I will be 30 and newly single. That’s where the concern is. I turn 28 quite soon. I don’t need to marry right away or in two years. But I can’t wait until I no longer have kids either. He seems to have it in this mind that it will be easy to have kids when I am 38/39. Can’t convince him otherwise

This does sound like stringing along territory. If he genuinely thinks it would be okay to wait until you are 38 then it would be foolish to waste your fertile years on him. Some people are ready to marry at 23, and after 4 years I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to at least talk about it. Perhaps its aa another poster said, he just doesn’t want to marry you.

MiddleAgedDread · 19/06/2025 21:46

Hmmm, 23 is young, really young for a man but at 27 I can see why you’d be thinking about settling down as a woman. It’s not a big age gap really at certain stages of life until he’s 31 and you’re 35……

ThePoliteLion · 19/06/2025 21:42

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:37

@ThePoliteLion I really want to improve my anxiety, but I am autistic and really struggle with built up stress. Life has been rough on me and I constantly feel as though it never goes my way. I have kept trying to improve my anxiety, but built up stress ends up being too much for me to handle.

I’m sorry to hear about the stress. Maybe counselling to help you reframe things and feel positive about a happier future?

titchy · 19/06/2025 21:40

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:35

He says I am being sensationalist to want to plan things through. He says he doesn’t know when he will be ready, and I should prioritise our immediate futures. What should I take from this?

I don’t know - maybe take him at face value. He is nowhere near ready to settle down or even think about it. And at 23 he shouldn’t be frankly. You want to, he doesn’t. Move on.

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:37

@ThePoliteLion I really want to improve my anxiety, but I am autistic and really struggle with built up stress. Life has been rough on me and I constantly feel as though it never goes my way. I have kept trying to improve my anxiety, but built up stress ends up being too much for me to handle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 21:35

He says I am being sensationalist to want to plan things through. He says he doesn’t know when he will be ready, and I should prioritise our immediate futures. What should I take from this?

OP posts:
ThePoliteLion · 19/06/2025 21:19

OP, I think you need to work on your anxiety. You are still very young. Try to be confident that when you meet the right life partner, you will know. Try to accept that you can’t order up a life partner/father of your children at exactly the time you’d like. It sounds as if you and your current partner want different things and it might be wise to move on. You have plenty of time.

Springadorable · 19/06/2025 21:17

You're on to a lose lose here. You want to get married soon, and have kids. He doesn't. So either you pressure him into getting married and it all goes to shit when the added pressure of kids and resentment kick in, or you stay as you are and he may or may not want kids when you are pushing 35. You want different things, it's time to move on.

Pipsquiggle · 19/06/2025 21:16

dogcatkitten · 19/06/2025 21:06

What's so terrible about getting married at 23, I got married at 22 and my bf was 24, still together too many years ago to think about. They've been together four years if he doesn't know now he never will. Either you or he will find someone new and more exciting and it will be over. I would say move on now if it's not going anywhere after four years.

@dogcatkitten
Nothing wrong getting married young IF you are both certain and both want to.
OP's BF doesn't want to.
Also sounds like you got married a long time ago. TBH I don't really know anyone who got married at that age -usually late 20s or 30s - when they've established their careers and have lived a bit.

Nextdoormat · 19/06/2025 21:15

I don't necessarily agree that at 23 he is too young to CONSIDER marriage and discuss it but he does have a lot of growing up to do, as does any 23 year old.( I have 22,23,31 and 33 year old massive difference in their maturaties).
Also you only need to dip into some of the posts on here to see that children can damage a relationship if it is not rock solid, so from that point of view you need to be cautious.
I understand you biological clock may be ticking, you may not want to wait until your late 30's to have kids, that is also understandable, so maybe you do need to consider finding someone with the same mind set as you.💕

2chocolateoranges · 19/06/2025 21:14

I got married at 23 but would be horrified if my ds was thinking marriage at the same age and would be pretty annoyed if his girlfriend was wanting plan ahead to get married when he was that age too.

Hes only 23, at the moment you are both wanting different things in life, therefore your relationship isn’t going to work.

TimeForTeaAndToast · 19/06/2025 21:13

He's just too young for you. I'm surprised he hasn't run for the hills with all this pressure from you about marriage.

BuckChuckets · 19/06/2025 21:09

You're obviously not well suited, why are you still in the relationship when you want different things?

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