Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

You only started talking to day and found out he was married so I’m assuming he told you?

I think you are misreading friendly smiles as something else or he could have just smiled as you kept looking at him and he was being politely awkward.

It is frustrating to carry a relationship but he was 19 when you started so might not have had the experience or initiative to take the lead. If you do want to stay with him then that’s something to talk about.

Men who are single at 28 are single for many different reasons. 28 is not that old.

It’s not actually clear that the OP’s actual boyfriend of four years has done anything more than look at her and smile before he got incorporated into her Marriage and Children plans,

Did he actually do anything apart from look at you and smile?

If a boyfriend has suggested marriage and babies to me at 23, I'd have run a mile!! Your boyfriend isn't ready for marriage, he's barely started life in the adult world. He's already told you that he doesn't see himself marrying until he's 30. So he has given you a very good indication of his plans. You seem to need to map out your life, with timelines and have plans formed for the future. Why the hurry?! I didn't meet my husband until I was 31, married at 33 and our son was born when I was 35! You have plenty of time ahead for marriage and babies. Slow down, stop pressurising your boyfriend to give you a timeline, you will drive him away. If you want marriage and children before you're 30, then you are with the wrong man, because he's not on that same path.

He doesn't sound like he was going out of his way to flirt with you if you have only started talking to him today?!

It sounds like the one not committed is you..

Don’t wait around wasting your youth on someone who probably won’t follow up. A vague idea to do something in several years is pretty common and not a great predictor of whether your boyfriend will actually propose, when it comes to it.

Tell him the truth, that the issue of marriage is far more pressing for you, and that does he want to get married in the next two years? If he’s non committal or says no or says maybe then tell him it’s a deal breaker.

Unlike men, women have a very clear biological clock that means they cannot have babies after a certain age. This often makes women’s decision making around this far more time driven than men.

Do not settle for someone wasting your time. Give yourself to find another relationship where you are both on the same page with the timing of marriage and kids.

And, my husband is 4 years older than me so 32 when we got together and he was certain he wanted marriage and kids. And no, nothing wrong with him!

If you're ready for marriage now and he's not, and it's really important to you right now or on the near future then perhaps this relationship isn't right. He is only 23- that's so young and especially for a man! If it helps, I was engaged at 25 to a terrible older man, split at 27, met my now husband at 28, married 32, first baby 34. I'm 36 now and we are thinking about trying for baby number 2 in the next year. All happened later than I'd anticipated but at 27 You've got plenty of time to meet someone new and settle down/have kids if that's what you want. Best of luck to you 💐

And? I didn’t meet my partner til I was 31. If the pressing issue is having kids thats a separate consideration, but again yours and your boyfriend’s life plans are not aligned.

I agree with you that if you are planning a family, you being 27 and your boyfriend being 24 is a bit of a problem, he might decide to split in 3 or 4 years as it's quite unusual for the girlfriend you had at 19 to be the wife that you end up marrying.
If you really want kids and marriage I think I'd seek out someone who wants to crack on with that, it's all too predicatable that although he's happy now, his life plans might not match yours, sorry I know it's hard, but you do have to be tough if you want to acheive what's best for you.

Christ I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow let alone when I’d want to marry someone. I’d have run away screaming at 23 if someone was pushing marriage, it’s pretty unusual to do it so young these days and many people want their 20s to be about flexibility, finding their niche in life, trying different things. Sounds very reasonable for him to say he doesn’t want to think about it before 30 - what’s wrong with you marrying at 34?

That said, you’re not unreasonable to want a solid plan for marriage and kids, but you’re not going to get it from this guy by the sounds of it. It’s a lot to ask a 23 year old. Perhaps this is just a fundamental incompatibility and it’s time to move on and find someone as timeline-oriented as you?

I’m mid 30s in a wonderful 4 year relationship but I still wouldn’t say I guarantee we’ll be together forever or make such prescriptive timed predictions for my career, life or relationship. Some people just aren’t that way inclined.

Because their most recent relationship didn’t work out?

Same as most people.

I was thinking as I read your posts that the only people I personally know or know of who married in their early 20s were religious (usually Mormon)

I’m lapsed Catholic and mid 40s but even when I was your age, there wasn’t exactly a run on the confetti for early 20s marriages among Catholics where I am (Scotland).

This guy is too young to give you the commitment you need. Even someone in the late 20s may not be looking for marriage. 30 + is more likely to be your batting range.

How old is the co-worker?

Typical timing haha! Ignore the co worker, it’s good they’ve made you have a think but they are not the answer IMO.

For heaven’s sake, OP, get some self-respect. Doesn’t it tell you anything about the mutually disproportionate levels of investment that you asked him out, you organised all the dates, you’re desperate for him to make some kind of extended plan that includes marriage and children, and he — is just not that bothered, other than making it quite clear he doesn’t see himself marrying you any time soon, and that he doesn’t want to map out his future?

You don’t even sound as if you love him as an individual, only that you see your four years with him as some kind of sunk cost. You don’t say you’ll be heartbroken if you break up, only that you’re concerned that you’d have to start all over with someone else and be further from your mapped out goal of marriage and children. And that you were contemplating just switching your attention to someone older who you thought was more likely to be a enable to your timeline suggests you just see your current boyfriend as a man-shaped project on your way to your goal.

End the relationship for everyone’s sake. It’s not working.

If you were from a culture where there was no kissing before marriage I’d understand your point of view. But you are not.

@Lunalara is this the same boyfriend who told someone he was unhappy in the relationship?

You really do seem to be flogging a dead horse.

I don’t understand. Are you interested in this coworker? What is the primal instinct he awoke in you? I’m not sure fantasising about someone else indicates that you are ready for marriage, whether your boyfriend is or not. And a four year relationship isn’t really that long-term, you say it like you’ve been waiting decades ;)

If you are considering other men, you are not ready to get married to your current boyfriend. He’s a baby at 23. If marriage is what you want, move on and find someone on a similar page to you.