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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving plans as a maybe until the last minute.

36 replies

tootitoot · 19/06/2025 18:00

We have a couple of friends who we’ve known a long time but lately whenever we arrange anything they always say we might be able to or maybe we will have to let you know, they do always end up being available but we feel we never know quite what we’re doing with them for example they might say we could probably do Saturday or Sunday and we’ll let you know, which they will last minute.
Last time we’d invited them, they said it should be ok and they’d let us know so when some other friends asked if we’d be home we arranged something with them and then last minute they made a plan and both turned up which was nice but they didn’t know each other and looked a bit awkward but I didn’t want to say no to one couple when we didn’t know what was going on.
Is this how most people are or are they being unreasonable and leaving us as a last resort if nothing better comes up?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 19/06/2025 18:24

Unreliability is for train companies not friendships.

Original poster
tootitoot · 19/06/2025 18:21

Tulipssndturkeys · 19/06/2025 18:16

Couldn’t cope with this level of flakiness.

if I invited you to my bbq this sat - it is a yes or no response required… so I can cater for correct numbers etc…

if they gave me a ‘we’ll see nearer the time’ I would tell them I’d decided not to go ahead and just go my own thing..

it would make new very hesitant to ask them to anything as I couldn’t be going with the uncertainty.

I think it is pretty rude - unless there is a really good reason behind it (one of them going through chemo etc and can never know how you’ll be until the day) where I would be totally understanding.

but general ‘I can’t be arsed to commit until the day’ is just unacceptable and I eiukfn’y put you much effort into maintaining a friendship with people who can’t commit .

Exactly I want to cater if I’m doing a bbq or if we’re having a picnic in the park I want to prepare not just a text at 10am saying what’s the plan for today then?

OP posts:
ForFunGoose · 19/06/2025 18:20

That’s very annoying and I would pull them up on it. If you are making the plan on WhatsApp send a poll yes/no as you need numbers.

MatildaTheCat · 19/06/2025 18:19

I have a friend who used to say, ‘shall we play it by ear?’ to almost every arrangement. The answer soon became, ‘ah no, that doesn’t really work for me. Let me know when you can commit?’

It may feel free and spontaneous to some but it certainly doesn’t to the person being kept on hold.

Goditsmemargaret · 19/06/2025 18:19

"That's cool. Will you be able to let us know by tomorrow in case we want to make other plans?"

Original poster
tootitoot · 19/06/2025 18:17

It does seem like it doesn’t it, but they didn’t used to be like this. We both have children who like to play together when we get together so I don’t want to tell the kids we’re seeing them until we know for sure and they want to know what we’re doing over the weekend and they might say yes Saturday or Sunday we’ll let you know and I don’t want to keep both days free and not know what we’re up to.

OP posts:
40coats · 19/06/2025 18:17

Why are you putting up with this shitty behaviour?
Ask for an answer and make it clear you'd like to be free to make your own plans too.

Tulipssndturkeys · 19/06/2025 18:16

Couldn’t cope with this level of flakiness.

if I invited you to my bbq this sat - it is a yes or no response required… so I can cater for correct numbers etc…

if they gave me a ‘we’ll see nearer the time’ I would tell them I’d decided not to go ahead and just go my own thing..

it would make new very hesitant to ask them to anything as I couldn’t be going with the uncertainty.

I think it is pretty rude - unless there is a really good reason behind it (one of them going through chemo etc and can never know how you’ll be until the day) where I would be totally understanding.

but general ‘I can’t be arsed to commit until the day’ is just unacceptable and I eiukfn’y put you much effort into maintaining a friendship with people who can’t commit .

AudiobookListener · 19/06/2025 18:15

Suffering from a fluctuating chronic illness or have caring responsibilities or being on call at work are all reasonable excuses for this behaviour. But if its not for a reason like that I'd just start saying something like "can you let me know one way or the other by Thursday?"

MascaraGirl · 19/06/2025 18:09

Do they avoid committing in case they get a better offer (I’m sure you’re a very good option OP, but you know what I mean)!

Kosenrufugirl · 19/06/2025 18:05

I think you "maybe " friends are unreasonable