8 year old has to stay in to study

My DS often tells friends he can't play for various reasons, usually made up in the spot.

??

Your response is over dramatic and bombastic.

The judgment here started with the OP, who wasn’t content to think negatively about her neighbours, but felt the need to involve everyone here as well. There’s no flexibility in her thinking as she’s the expert on the situation and anyone offering an explanation must be wrong.

OP, if you’re seriously worried about the well-being of the child, do something about it. In real life. Coming here and criticising the parents makes your motive seem disingenuous in comparison.

When DD was little I didn't call having friends round playdates. It was just having a friend come to play, often spontaneously

Well, language constantly evolves. And ‘having a friend come to play’ (which is what it was called when I was a child) is basically what people now call a play date. Calling it something different doesn’t change the premise.
Granted, it seems to be more difficult now for these things to happen spontaneously, but IME that’s because so many families have two full time working parents now and more children are in wrap around care. Therefore these things have to be planned and organised in advance for days off etc.

They probably look at you and think that the way you are raising your daughter is sad.

I live in a culture that would hold that family up as an example of excellent parenting, and look down on you for not providing your child with as much support and help.

Are they right? Or are you right? Will your child be happier? Will theirs get better grades? Who will lead the best life?

You are welcome to have an opinion on the answer to those questions, and it is an interesting debate. But only if the whole judgmental framing of the post, and the "let kids be kids" moral superiority is reduced a bit.

Maybe they dont want your child to keep on knocking?

I didn't know it was such an alien idea for children to call for each other until this thread, or that people found it annoying. I thought this was a universal thing all children did.

Only on mumsnet. There are a disproportionate number of socially awkward people who have a drawbridge instead of a front door, which they won't answer and get offended if someone rings their phone or doorbell.

When DD was little I didn't call having friends round playdates. It was just having a friend come to play, often spontaneously.

Nailed it! Though I'd say the left/right thing is far overpowered by the working/middle class thing.

This made me chuckle 😂

I grew up in the 90s and I'm working class. I never had a single scheduled activity (the only ones I would have been allowed to do were free things like football, and I wasn't interested!) and I've grown up to be a academically successful adult with plenty of hobbies.

I didn't know it was such an alien idea for children to call for each other until this thread, or that people found it annoying. I thought this was a universal thing all children did. The idea of a playdate for an 8 year old is alien to me. When we were children, we'd all knock on the doors of every child going until we found someone who wanted to go to the park!

OP, I think you've rightly intuited that there is an element of class prejudice going on here.

Some posters have assumed that, because you describe an integrated local community, children being allowed some freedom to socialise, etc, you must be working class and therefore ought not dare to criticise the voices of your middle class superiors - if they want to hothouse their child and raise him away from sunlight and the pernicious influence of society, that is there absolute right, if not duty, as High Earners.

They probably think your daughter will be giving him rides on the XL bully, and letting him have a puff on her Raspberry Sour vape........

(Just to be clear, I am satirising - I despise all forms of class prejudice, have no idea what class either OP or the boy's parents are, and am confident it matters not one jot in this instance. But I think this is at the root of a lot of the hate you are getting here.

(Mumsnet can be so great for some things and you find such lovely women,. But the right wing, pro- libertarian threads really depress me.....)

I suppose you don't know what's going on for him at home.

But tbh I'm with you. I truly don't think an 8 year old should have homework every single night. Children absolutely need time to play outside with other children. They learn so many social skills etc through imaginative play.

I think we over schedule children a little nowadays tbh. Kids aren't given enough opportunity to either just play or be bored and create their own fun. I did things like creative writing, or making a 'nature bucket' with my friends to see what animals we could attract, or write animal fact files. I wouldn't have done those things if I'd have been stuck doing homework or in a scheduled activity every single day.

Do you really really mean this? That you think people effectively own their children, and can treat them anyway they like, and you would never do anything to interfere, you wouldn't even disapprove? They could beat them, they could keep them off school to do fruit picking, they could refuse to let them learn to read because they think the written word is dangerous.....

And you would be just fine with all of that?

Why?

I'm also shocked by the idea that you think 8 year olds should never make any decisions. They are people too! Surely we build up decision making in our kids gradually, so that they learn to make good decisions in adulthood - there are plenty of things an 8 year old should have a day in, I think. And how they spend their leisure time is one of them! Not saying that they should have absolutely free choice over a limitless supply of alternatives obviously (and nor is that practical) but I think it's ENTIRELY appropriate, if your 8 year old has a couple of hours free on a Saturday afternoon, to let THEM choose between playing with friends, playing in their room, craft activity with dad or watching a film with mom, say....... That way, they start to learn that choosing one thing can mean missing out on another, that sometimes we are swayed by the wrong considerations etc etc.....

I really do feel there seems to be some kind of widespread cultural shift towards treating children like fragile and completely incapable automata, in some sections of society these days......

You sound weirdly over-invested in someone else’s kid. You can feel sad about it if you so wish, but we can also see your judgy pants.

But there could be all manner of other things going on? It seems unlikely that this child suddenly has the weight of the world on his shoulders simply because he isn't allowed to play with your dd all the time.

As I said above, if you have concerns about his wellbeing, flag them up with the school or social services. Otherwise just accept that different families do things differently.

The impression you give on this thread though is that your DD has knocked multiple times for this boy to come out to play and each time the answer is no.
How do you know they are still friends if he hasn't come round in a while? Maybe that's the hint that these children are no longer fond of each other. The same as the other children in the street. You don't seem to accept that they aren't interested and he must be sad because of this rather than taking into consideration there could be other factors involved.

There was a child who always knocked for my kid. My kid hated him, I wasn't about to enforce he played with him. Take the hint, you are being annoying.

My dc used to say she was sad when she wasn't allowed to eat an entire packet of biscuits or stay up into the early hours of the morning! It doesn't necessarily mean that he is suffering in any way.

And tbh, the OP can't possibly know how the kid is spending his weekends in the house...it might not be as much time on the games console as she thinks.

The boy himself has said he's sad, his demeanor has changed. Tbh, spending the weekends with the games console is probably cos he's knackered & needs the downtime (works for me on my quiet days 😅)

I agree with you @Caerulea
I can't believe the responses on this thread.