AIBU to expect a present for my 8 year old from aunt/uncle?

Similar situation here. My nephew is 16 years older than my DS.

DH and I have always been generous to nephew. We have given him presents, taken him to big sporting events and generally provided him with some really good experiences.

My DS is now 4 and has never received as much as a card for birthdays or Christmas from my brother. He is not short of money so that’s not a factor.

We are no contact with my brother now. My DS doesn’t even know he exists.

So they announced that adult presents weren’t happening anymore, thereby neatly removing any obligation to buy presents while you were childless, while still expecting you to buy presents. And now they’ve decided that children presents aren’t happening either now that their children are grown, thus avoiding buying present again. I’m extremely avoidant of confrontation but I think I’d have to say something to him. It’s just so blatant. I’d probably still keep buying for the nieces and nephews though. As they’re older you’ll be able to forge your own relationship with them apart from your brother.

Hi op this is not about gifts as such it’s his way of saying I’m not bothering with your kids even though you did for his. I’ve had similar issues and it’s annoying when they move the goal post. Just keep it in your head never gift any of his family no matter what the occasion is. He’s been a selfish twat not taken your feelings into consideration after telling you that you must buy for his kids. Next time gifts are mentioned just say it hurt me you didn’t buy for my dc it’s as though you don’t care about them.

This isn't an example of men being dicks imo. Some bad behaviour is gender specific, but being weird about presents isn't IME.

Are you sure its him or has his DW (after 5 DC) decided she no longer has time for his family admin and has handed it back to him to sort out?

Recently had a similar conversation with ex SIL who complained that we hadn't remembered her grandchildrens' birthdays. I defaulted family admin to DH for his side many years ago as he is capable of ordering online and has their addresses and has dates in his calendar as I put them in (with a reminder alarm!) He only has 6 people left on his side to remember birthdays for so not an arduous task!

He's out of order and really should be called out on it. My single sister used to buy for my two, so I spent the equivalent on her.
However since my Mum died, we decided to stop doing presents, for any occasion. I choose to give my GC gifts. I don't love my adult children any less because I'm not buying presents, presents don't equal love. I try to tell people not to buy me stuff, but they do, then seem annoyed that they haven't pressured me into gift giving. Not everyone wants stuff, or the pressure of buying. But he should be at least transferring money. He does have it, choosing to spend it on other things, isn't the same as not being able to afford to do it, which posters mix up on here.

Your brother’s being a bum hole about this - I think you need to spell it out for him. If you want you can dress it up as concern “I just wanted to check that you and SIL are ok financially, as I’ve spent years buying gifts for your 5 kids until they each reached 21, and yet you obviously haven’t been able to buy anything for your niece this year…” very pass agg, but it gives a clear message.

We are lucky to just have 2 same-age cousins for our 2 boys so it’s all very equal and fair, however my bestie (also my kids godmother) has much younger children than my own (they are my godchildren), and so I am determined never to forget their birthdays, and to keep buying for them as they get older even if my friend decides to stop getting a gift /money for my boys once they reach adulthood. I just sent my godson some presents for his birthday next week, and really enjoyed choosing the younger-age toys again now my own children are that bit older and plying with different things ❤️

That’s really crap of them. Harmony is all well and good but this could colour the way I viewed them moving forward.

Op don’t be so accepting of this, because it’s about your kids. He stood up to you and told you what to do regarding his 5 kids and ensured they were treated very well by the family. Shouldn’t you expect the same for your kids?

Wow what a pair of arseholes. They collected gifts for 20years and decided to not do that for your kids. I would take this as a massive issue tbh. It’s really not ok to demand it of you and then turn around when it doesn’t suit them. Both of them - horrible.

Well I used to send my cousins kids present at Christmas- they live abroad - and rarely got a thank you. Then one year around Easter she said ‘oh I know you sent the kids presents but they get so many I can’t remember what they were’. The was when it ended.
Yes it’s a bit mean not reciprocating when it’s now your time, but again this has happened to me, as I had my kids a number of years after most of my friends. Lesson? Don’t get presents for extended family.

Yeah. My XHs family were like this too. Happy to receive for 10 years and then we had a baby. Suddenly there were 'too many children in the family to buy for' and 'this Christmas we'll do a Secret Santa for the children and everyone picks out one name and buys for that child'.

What a CF!
He's been extorting you ...kinda.
Tell him to get f**ked

My sister did the same once her children were grown...she seemed to forget I had spent 18 years lovingly choosing gifts for her kids.
She no longer sends a card either 🙄

Are you sure he “demanded that you buy his kids presents”??

We have said to family, now we have children please don’t feel obligated to buy us and the children presents, just the children is absolutely fine. That wasn’t a demand that people by my kids presents. It was a “demand” that they don’t buy me and DH any. It sounds to me like that’s what your DB meant.

Also a £100k ish salary with 5 kids is fuck all these days. Especially if the kids are all older and at uni, getting driving lessons, needing help with rent/house deposits etc.

No way! He owes you 8 years of gifts for 5 kids … cheeky, tight (your expletive of choice)

Just reply 'Good idea. We'll drop presents from now on.'

I think he’s a miser for doing that . You can’t make him buy them though but I would be reminding him of what he said about gift buying for his kids many years ago . It doesn’t have to come across aggressive from you , but , you obviously have the same sentiment as him because you are hurt about your child not receiving a gift . So tell him the same thing he told you , not because you want to get back at him, but because it’s true . Then wait and see .

It's so easy to demand for yourself but forget to return the favours. I wouldn't be surprised not receiving a gift for your child.
I would be very honest about my disappointment. And not waited 8 years.

I understand that you feel hurt if gift giving and receiving is your love language, but also I don’t think it’s a healthy thought process to say something like “DHs siblings are generous with presents so my children feel loved by other members of the family”, you should be reinforcing to your children that it’s not about gifts, it’s about the quality time and effort. Who shows up to your dance show, who checks up on you if you’re sick, who makes plans to see you. Thats love and family.

YANBU, he's a dickhead. I'd reply and say 'ah great, just cards for nieces and nephews from now on. That will save me a lot of money!'

(I'm passive aggressive tho. You may wish to take the high road)

I think by their third child I would have already started massively dialling back on the costs of their Homer’s let alone the fifth.

Obviously he’s massively unreasonable but you can’t make him want to buy his niece a gift. Anything you say will be held against you so you’re probably better being the bigger person and just filing this one away as a note on your brothers personality.

sorry

edited to add. Do his kids ever buy your daughter a birthday or even an adhoc gift if they’re seeing her tho? If you’re interested in ‘breaking even’ on gifts this could help mentally if they’re seeing did