Unwanted videographer at my wedding

Speak to your friend! If someone does something that upsets you and you can't tell them that they've upset you, that is not a meaningful or authentic relationship!

I haven’t read the comments but want to say I totally understand your feelings about the situation.

we did have a video and as soon as I watched it that became my memories of the day ( ie someone else’s view of our marriage not my own memories ) which was very sad

I only watched it once

I've said not unreasonable, but only because what she did was quite rude. I think you are being a drama llama over it. Your time to be assertive was at the wedding. You could have asked the maid of honour to deal with it. Now it's happened you'll have to be gracious as you would with any gift you don't like. But if anyone outright asks you if you love the video just say "the truth is we found it intrusive and haven't watched it".

I think that’s the best way to think about this. What a lovely way to say it x

A friend of mine had a similar experience, years ago, but she was glad seven years later that she had that video. There's probably something on that Wedding video that you might be very interested to see in a few years' time.

I haven't read all the posts but I would say try not to be too upset about it. Your friend will have meant well and it's not the end of the world.
If you don't want to watch it don't watch it but I would throw it away as you might feel different decades down the line and be grateful you have it

1. The videographer was intrusive only because you allowed him to be. I'm sure there were many people "skittering around" in your eyeline throughtout the day, but you chose to focus on the videographer.
2. If you didn't want him there you could have dismissed him, or sent a best man/maid of honour/parent to do so.
3. Yes, you will be glad you have this film in 10/20/30… years' time (assuming you are still married).
4. In your own words, you told your friend you "weren't having" a videographer, not that you didn't want one. Huge difference. She tried to do a nice thing for you based on the enjoyment she got out of her own wedding video. Your friend is a thoughtful person, not a dick.
5. There's an important concept in life called "go with the flow" that would have been wise to apply to your wedding situation.

Full disclosure- this was a long time ago and the marriage lasted only five years- but a similar thing happened to me. I’d taken time to record a nice selection of classical music that would suit the historic venue, with the agreement of HTB. The CD was ‘lost’ by the best man at some point on wedding morning- when the groom, best man and video man were all drinking pints in the hotel bar.
So, silence as we walked in.. the video man then proceeded to hijack the wedding on behalf of the groom. He ‘interviewed’ mostly the groom’s friends, ignored my friends, then dubbed 100% banging northern soul onto the wedding video.
We were sent copies of this thing- I watched it once in some discomfort and then drawered it, for years. Years later I watched it prior to binning it, when clearing out. I consider that the overall ‘hijacking’ of the character of our wedding by one person pretty much echoed how the relationship went! Or was a precursor for it. I have every sympathy for you. But as long as it is all ok with you and husband, that is the main thing. You may need to discuss and vent.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. what I would say, however, is I really didn’t want a videographer at my wedding either - I am not comfortable in front of a camera either - I had a photographer who ignored my wishes and that did p me off! However. One friend did video my walking down the aisle and afterwards it made me wish that I did have a videographer. Especially as one of my guests has since passed. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it now. My advice to you would be to let it go. She meant well. She misread the situation. Keep the happy memories of your day and shake off anything else. Put it in to perspective x

Hi

I totally get where you’re coming from.

I am a videographer and I don’t like being filmed.

We had a videographer at our wedding and she were lucky that she didn’t get in the way too much.

As the previous comment said. Put in a drawer and write it off the entire experience. It sounds like you had a wonderful day and as best you can try to focus those happier moments. I know it’s hard.

We will most likely never watch our video for decades. It’s not really that important to us now …What is important.. is that…It’s a record of the day for our children and theirs hopefully one day. It’s a record of your family history.

My Grandmother, my father in law and other relatives and fiends have passed. It’s the only video footage I have of most of them and it’s a nice record for our family.

Your friends were trying to do their best and it was a bad call, but good will come of it… down the road .. especially for your family in the future.

In Ireland our Irish film institute actively sought copies of weddings, funerals and birthday parties from all over the country for the past 100 years.

Look after yourself

Your friend didn't just cross a line she stomped all over it.Thats a serious overstepping a boundary
I'd be inclined to tell her.

It's a bit crap that she didn't ask you first. But I think she was only trying to do something nice.
In a few years time, if you ever decide to have kids, I think they would one day like to watch the video, as my children did.

My OH is a wedding videographer and has been for many years.

I find this whole situation very strange, any professional videographer would not even entertain the idea without speaking to the bride and groom first. For a start they need to know all the timings and details of the day, even down to who to film and who not to (trust me there's more than one family member or bridesmaid who won't make the cut), the rules the venue or church may have and so much more. Several meetings happen between my OH and his couples ahead of a wedding.

Not to mention a decent videographer costs thousands.

I would quite simply tell the videographer that they do not have your permission to film and therefore anything that was captured was against your wishes and cannot be used. It's unlikely they will mind as they have been paid regardless.

If they've already edited the video, and if they are good at what they do, maybe watch it when/if you feel comfortable.

My husband and I are the same. We hate having photos taken and we definitely didn't a video. However, a friend of my parents decided to video the event after we'd expressly told them not to. You can see my husband to be standing at the top of the aisle mouthing expletives.
I watched it once and now remember the humiliating speech my father made. If I hadn't watched it, I might not have remembered it. My husband refused to watch it. That was 25 years ago. I still hate that my wishes were ignored.
She couldn't have been a very good friend.

It is not great at all. I would have hated it, and I really don't get this creeping obsession with photographing and recording every second of events in our lives. Realistically all you need from a wedding is a few formal snaps of you and the guests. That is all you and anybody else will ever look at after the first few weeks. However your friend, and those she got to join in, really thought they were doing something lovely for you. I am guessing, given that you have just got married, that you are in your 20s or early 30s. Take this as an early hurdle and learning experience. In life you can let events control you, or you can control events, at least how you react to them. If you dwell on how hurt you are and how it 'destroyed' your wedding there will be toxic ramifications rolling out from it for years to come, much worse and more unpleasant than having somebody in your bobbing in your eyeline. Or you can make the huge mental and emotional effort (and I am not underestimating how infuriating this would have been) to tell yourself another story about it. A laughable misunderstanding which you took in good part, perhaps in years to come you even may be able to have this chat with your friend. You can get it out of your system by writing it down (perhaps you have already done this here) then use phrases to yourself like 'My friends! what are they like! Oh well, it was a lovely day' etc etc.

You can disagree with her without telling her she's being ridiculous

OP posted in AIBU, presumably because they wanted other people's opinions on whether or not they are being unreasonable.

Have you tried asking someone with an Apple Mac? Pages is a lot more flexible about formats than Word is.

When new formats are introduced there are usually ways to convert old formats, one just has to ‘keep up’ converting anything important.

There are but a) you need to remember to keep doing it rather than chuck the USB in a box and forget about it for 20 years and b) I'm not sure it will be so easy with digital formats.

I have word documents from about 10 years ago that I'd like to read but my current software won't let me. I think I'd have to find someone who hasn't updated their software in that time. At least with a printed photo you'll always be able to access it even if the quality deteriorates.

How and when were you informed and by who that it was your friend(s) who had arranged for this and how did you react then?

Cant help but think your friend was pitying you in thinking that you couldn’t afford it and has openly disrespected you both by instigating this behind your back (could she be secretly jealous of your happiness?) as can’t see why she would think it was a good idea to take over like that if she wasn’t underhandedly trying to hurt you.

I want the laugh reaction back. When video cameras weighed six tons, it did used to be a thing because it was so expensive....and yes viewing parties...and no I didn't have it at my wedding (I predate video) and no I never went to a viewing party

We got invited to one of those parties and made our excuses, the people who did go said it was excruciatingly boring, they were expecting food and drinks and a party and a few select bits of the video but instead were sat down in front of the TV for an hour watching the event we’d all attended a few weeks before 🤣

yeah and remember the shit friend who ruined it for you....won't that be lovely?

oh that's easy "If you do this I will kill you" should fix it

actually there is stuff the OP can do. They can get the videographer's contact details from the friend and require him to delete the footage. They can talk to the friend saying that they know that the friend meant well but its honestly not something that the OP wants or wants to be in existence. they can cover it if they wish to by making the "its not you, its me" speech....but yeah the damaged day cannot be recalled and remade undamaged. I suspect that the friendship too might have run its course. It does occur to me to wonder how much of a 'friend" this friend is or how much of Queen Bee she is....not simply because of the massively overreaching gift but because she was able to get so many other people to chip in on it.